More Proof of Growth

I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything of true substance here...like I ought to share more of my heart and what's been going on/what God's been doing in my life.

The truth of the matter, though, is that there's just not a whole lot going on. Just plugging away at my life...work, church, friends, family, life.

Last weekend, I sat through 10 hours of a Systematic Theology class (a course that outlines the history and doctrines of my faith....why we believe what we believe, how the people who've come centuries and days before us have wrestled with things like sin, the trinity, creation, etc) - for VLI. When I took a similar course back in college, it was interesting and a whole lot of work (Dr. Wes gave TONS of homework!) but I don't really think that much of it effected me. I was in college mode....retain information for the test but don't really do much more than that (a sad truth and great tragedy of my education....I did really well in school, grade-wise, but didn't retain much more than I needed to for an exam (other than info in my major....I ate that stuff up!)).

ANYWAY, this time, sitting through the course, I really engaged with the content. It was exciting (and at times, challenging) to listen to the explanations and processes that so many people before me have gone through to wrestle with who God really is and what it means to follow Him.

Let's just be honest, most of the time, this sort of stuff makes staring at a blank wall sound like fun! But, not this time. I sat there listening and realizing just how far I've come with my faith and relationship with Jesus. Noticing tangible proof of the growth that's come from the past six years. Realizing that I have such a better grasp - at a heart level, at a mental level, at a spiritual level, at an experiential level - of who Jesus is and how His Kingdom works. By no means do I have it all figured out....by no means. But, I'm so much further than I used to be. I'm no longer simply a parrot of facts about the tenants of my faith....I actually have engaged with them, wrestled through them and have formulated an understanding that's all my own (built on the shoulders of so many who've come before me).

Probably most exciting for me was one key thing that this particular teacher said....basically that our faith must stem from WHO God is (His character and attributes) as opposed to IF/WHAT He is. It was so confirming for me....over the years, I've really come to realize that my particular calling is mainly about proclaiming His character to people, drawing people into really knowing Jesus. And to sit there and have this man say that everything of our faith must stem from an understanding of His Character so was great for me.

Then, just a few minutes later, some classmates were sharing some struggles they're having...questions they have about direction for their future, things they'd like to do and places they'd like to go and how they need to hear from Jesus to know how to proceed. Then, they admitted that their main struggle is really trusting Jesus. And, as I sat there, listening to them and sharing with them, it became apparent to me, once again, how much growth I've experienced. Just how much healing Jesus has brought me. How much Jesus has changed me.

It wasn't very long ago that I remember wrestling with the same sorts of things, the same sorts of questions. Doubting the truth of who Jesus says He is, of who He says He is to me. Wondering if I could really trust Him. Wondering if He really loved me. Wondering if He really cared about me.

It was so refreshing and encouraging to realize that those aren't the questions I wrestle with any longer. And to see how Jesus is using the ways He's healed and grown me to encourge others and point them to Him. (I've also recently started mentoring a girl in my small group who had a similar but very different childhood than I. And, she's just starting to face and walk through healing and restoration. She sought me out. And rather than doubting that I had anything to give to her, I've admitted it and am excited to see what Jesus is going to do in her through our time together.)

It's exciting, though honestly shocking, to get to be a part of it all though and to realize that the growth and healing that I truly thought would never come (because things were so hard and painful and because there seemed to be just SO MUCH to work through) have actually come.

The other thing I've noticed is that I've stopped going from major drama to major drama. Life has definitely leveled out. That's not to say that things are easy or that there'll never be drama in my life again. I'm not that naive. But, as I look back at the past two years specifically, I can see these hugely dramatic and intense things that Jesus was pulling out of me, healing and restoring. I remember friends saying things about how God was really intense with me. And it was true. But, this year, it's not been nearly as dramatic and intense. It's been so much about restoration and normalcy. Living life in a bit more even-keeled manner. About moving forward rather than being so inverted and self-focused. I think, on the one hand, it's because circumstances have changed and evened out. But, much moreso, it's because of the healing that's gone on inside of me and the strong, steady, DEEP foundational healing and truth that's rested in my heart.

Jesus does actually heal. He actually does love. He actually is trustworthy. He actually does know what He's doing, even with me.