(Catch up by reading the back story)
Suddenly, everything changed for me. Through a God-ordained series of events, I was able to reduce my hours at my company and take a temporary, part-time role with one of my freelance clients. That was exciting enough, I thought. But, when I was told in no uncertain terms that I was going to have to go back to the front desk come May or find a new job, my freelance client told me he wanted to hire me permanently (part-time for now, with the intention of full time down the road). And, if that wasn't fabulous enough, my church also told me they wanted to hire me (also part-time now with the possibility of full time later).
So, as of next week, I will be the Director of Communication and Administration for an amazing organization called Peace Catalyst International (PCI) as well as the Circles and Connect Administrator for my amazing church, the Mile High Vineyard (MHV). Each of these organizations holds key aspects of my heart, and I can't explain how truly honored, blessed and privileged I feel to get to play such a vital role at each.
You should check out each website for more info on the organizations themselves...but, basically I'm using my skills in public relations, communication, marketing and administration to help PCI stimulate peacebuilding between individuals and peoples. I get to help "promote multi-dimensional
reconciliation (with God, people, and creation) [in a world rife with conflict]." Then, at MHV, I get to use my skills of administration, leadership, pastoring, planning and implementation to oversee the main community-building engines of our church - helping ensure all new guests feel welcomed, known and connected as well as helping ensure everyone in our church has access to a small group of people with whom to connect, live life, grow and learn. What?? How in the world did I get so blessed???
And, here's where it comes full circle - I can look back at the last 7.5 years and realize that every single second at that company was worth it. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. I had space to heal, grow, learn and risk. And, I observed how (and how not to) lead others, grow an organization, care for people, accomplish tasks, navigate difficult circumstances (both internal and external), monitor and measure growth, and fulfill mission.
With each passing day of my life, I am more and more overwhelmed at just how phenomenal an Orchestrator the Lord is. He weaves seemingly mundane and disparate circumstances together into the most marvelous of tapestries - for each of us. He is so so kind, and I'm just so so thankful.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Looking Back
On the eve of my last day at a job I've held for over seven years and
have both loved and hated, I'm even more introspective than normal. I
find myself looking back, remembering who I was when I accepted the job
back in late 2005 and realizing just now much I've grown up since then.
And, I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude and reminded afresh
what a remarkably kind and gracious Father I have.
At this job, during these seven-plus years, I started in a very low-stress, low-difficulty role...I could do my tasks in my sleep. But, it paid well, provided great benefits, allowed me to interact with people, and mostly, gave me the mental and emotional space to really work through deep, personal things. There are so many days I remember just sitting at that front desk, blogging (!), processing, even chatting on the phone with close friends and family - and getting paid for it...while still fully accomplishing all of my regular tasks. What?! Who gets that lucky and is that fortunate to have that kind of space in their life for such things??
Then, as the recession hit and my company decreased to one-third its original size, I found myself with opportunities to spread my wings a bit, get more involved in the bigger workings of the company, use my skills and actually contribute in meaningful ways. I built great relationships with my co-workers. Loosened up. Had tons of fun. And, learned a lot.
While navigating the recession wasn't easy (every day wondering if I would be laid off), I was ridiculously fortunate to get to keep my job...especially as my position was eliminated in each of our other offices. While others were losing their jobs, I was being entrusted with more and was beginning to be seen for all that I was capable of.
Yet, slowly - amidst the blessings, things changed. Rather than being valued, I was being taken advantage of. I was encouraged to work toward a new position that I desperately wanted - as the company's writer and editor. But, after over two years, I'd gotten no where. I was no closer to stepping into my new position than I had been at the start. I was doing everything being asked of me, continually taking on more and more responsibilities, being assured that each additional task would take me closer to my goal. Yet...the rules kept changing, the carrot kept being dangled...and then kept getting moved. I'd get my hopes up, only to have them dashed and to be told I had to wait or do more or expect less or wait longer. Most recently, I got to taste what it felt like to be in the long-desired role...though bluntly warned that it was a temporary, four-month stint...with the potential for, but no guarantee of, permanency.
By that point (earlier this year), I knew that the likelihood of truly getting to remain in this long-sought-after role was slim at best. Plus, a myriad of other issues and situations (far too mundane to detail here) were transpiring that made my stomach turn at the thought of staying with the company any longer. So I started to think and pray about a change. Yet, I had zero idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I just knew I didn't want to be there anymore.
But, then suddenly....
At this job, during these seven-plus years, I started in a very low-stress, low-difficulty role...I could do my tasks in my sleep. But, it paid well, provided great benefits, allowed me to interact with people, and mostly, gave me the mental and emotional space to really work through deep, personal things. There are so many days I remember just sitting at that front desk, blogging (!), processing, even chatting on the phone with close friends and family - and getting paid for it...while still fully accomplishing all of my regular tasks. What?! Who gets that lucky and is that fortunate to have that kind of space in their life for such things??
Then, as the recession hit and my company decreased to one-third its original size, I found myself with opportunities to spread my wings a bit, get more involved in the bigger workings of the company, use my skills and actually contribute in meaningful ways. I built great relationships with my co-workers. Loosened up. Had tons of fun. And, learned a lot.
While navigating the recession wasn't easy (every day wondering if I would be laid off), I was ridiculously fortunate to get to keep my job...especially as my position was eliminated in each of our other offices. While others were losing their jobs, I was being entrusted with more and was beginning to be seen for all that I was capable of.
Yet, slowly - amidst the blessings, things changed. Rather than being valued, I was being taken advantage of. I was encouraged to work toward a new position that I desperately wanted - as the company's writer and editor. But, after over two years, I'd gotten no where. I was no closer to stepping into my new position than I had been at the start. I was doing everything being asked of me, continually taking on more and more responsibilities, being assured that each additional task would take me closer to my goal. Yet...the rules kept changing, the carrot kept being dangled...and then kept getting moved. I'd get my hopes up, only to have them dashed and to be told I had to wait or do more or expect less or wait longer. Most recently, I got to taste what it felt like to be in the long-desired role...though bluntly warned that it was a temporary, four-month stint...with the potential for, but no guarantee of, permanency.
By that point (earlier this year), I knew that the likelihood of truly getting to remain in this long-sought-after role was slim at best. Plus, a myriad of other issues and situations (far too mundane to detail here) were transpiring that made my stomach turn at the thought of staying with the company any longer. So I started to think and pray about a change. Yet, I had zero idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I just knew I didn't want to be there anymore.
But, then suddenly....
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Realigned
I feel like I have about seven posts running through my mind these days - things God's been up to, things I'm learning, things I'm experiencing, things I've been challenged with, things I'd love to share. But, just as I have a lot to share, there seems to be negatively proportionate amount of time to write about it all.
But, regardless, I'd like to share a bit of a journey I've been on - well, actually, if you've read anything here ever, you've gotten glimpses of it (specifically here, here, here and here). So, I guess, this is just the latest installment. :)
For over two years - really since I first launched my freelance business three years ago now - I've also been working to transition from the Front Office Administrator to the firmwide Writer/Editor at my full-time job. It's been a LONG, exciting, disappointing, confusing journey frought with all sorts of detours and setbacks and carrots dangled in front of me that would move just as I grasped them, etc. In short, it. was. hard.
So, you'd think that when the announcement was made two weeks ago that the Board approved my working exclusively on writing, editing and publishing for the next four months (with the possibility of full time after that, depending on business conditions), I'd be beyond excited. Afterall, it's the first truly significant step in realizing this professional goal.
But, I actually haven't been that excited. At first, I thought it was just because I'd stopped caring about it. Or maybe that I was still unwilling to hope since the rules seemed to have changed so much up until this point that they still might. Maybe I was just self-protecting from future disappointment? Or had just shut off emotionally since it was easier than getting my hopes up for something else that would just end up not moving forward (as I've mentioned previously, there've been lots of disappointments and set-backs...hadn't the last half of the 2012 been all about feeling stuck in every area of my life?!)?
What I've discovered, actually, is that it's not any of those things. I actually am excited and grateful for this new opportunity. There definitely is a certain level of satisfaction in finally realizing a goal I've been working toward for so long. But, it's a measured sort of excitement and gratitude. Basically because this achievement isn't actually the point. This temporary (and maybe eventually permanent) new role isn't the biggest goal of my life. My professional life is NOT where my satisfaction and identity lie.
But, it took me the better part of this last year to remember that. I think as everything (work, life, relationships, ministry, etc.) was feeling so stagnant, I started grasping at anything in front of me that I could make work, that I could change. And, I got my priorities out of whack. I started making THE goal being in this new position...and was truly pissed off every time one of my efforts, sacrifices, or the vast amount of extra responsibilities I took on was not acknowledged or rewarded or didn't take me closer to the "ultimate" goal. Yet, when I first took my job at this company over seven years ago, I purposefully chose a role where professional achievement and advancement weren't the point. A paycheck was....so that I could focus on people and ministry.
But, in the "twilight," I'd gotten lost. And, I needed my journey - just exactly as it's gone this past year - to realize that. What an annoying - but ultimately and definitely fruitful and worthwhile - journey. I'm a different - better, healthier, calmer, freer, wiser - person as a result of this latest leg of my journey.
I've talked for years about wanting to help the broken and less fortunate, to be a foster and adoptive parent, etc. And, in the midst of all the job/role drama and disappointment, God was subtly actually aligning things to allow me to finally move forward in those - ultimately more impactful - things.
Specifically, He's opened my heart up to the vast needs of those involved in human trafficking - specifically domestic trafficking. I'll share more about what that all means in my next post.....
But, regardless, I'd like to share a bit of a journey I've been on - well, actually, if you've read anything here ever, you've gotten glimpses of it (specifically here, here, here and here). So, I guess, this is just the latest installment. :)
For over two years - really since I first launched my freelance business three years ago now - I've also been working to transition from the Front Office Administrator to the firmwide Writer/Editor at my full-time job. It's been a LONG, exciting, disappointing, confusing journey frought with all sorts of detours and setbacks and carrots dangled in front of me that would move just as I grasped them, etc. In short, it. was. hard.
So, you'd think that when the announcement was made two weeks ago that the Board approved my working exclusively on writing, editing and publishing for the next four months (with the possibility of full time after that, depending on business conditions), I'd be beyond excited. Afterall, it's the first truly significant step in realizing this professional goal.
But, I actually haven't been that excited. At first, I thought it was just because I'd stopped caring about it. Or maybe that I was still unwilling to hope since the rules seemed to have changed so much up until this point that they still might. Maybe I was just self-protecting from future disappointment? Or had just shut off emotionally since it was easier than getting my hopes up for something else that would just end up not moving forward (as I've mentioned previously, there've been lots of disappointments and set-backs...hadn't the last half of the 2012 been all about feeling stuck in every area of my life?!)?
What I've discovered, actually, is that it's not any of those things. I actually am excited and grateful for this new opportunity. There definitely is a certain level of satisfaction in finally realizing a goal I've been working toward for so long. But, it's a measured sort of excitement and gratitude. Basically because this achievement isn't actually the point. This temporary (and maybe eventually permanent) new role isn't the biggest goal of my life. My professional life is NOT where my satisfaction and identity lie.
But, it took me the better part of this last year to remember that. I think as everything (work, life, relationships, ministry, etc.) was feeling so stagnant, I started grasping at anything in front of me that I could make work, that I could change. And, I got my priorities out of whack. I started making THE goal being in this new position...and was truly pissed off every time one of my efforts, sacrifices, or the vast amount of extra responsibilities I took on was not acknowledged or rewarded or didn't take me closer to the "ultimate" goal. Yet, when I first took my job at this company over seven years ago, I purposefully chose a role where professional achievement and advancement weren't the point. A paycheck was....so that I could focus on people and ministry.
But, in the "twilight," I'd gotten lost. And, I needed my journey - just exactly as it's gone this past year - to realize that. What an annoying - but ultimately and definitely fruitful and worthwhile - journey. I'm a different - better, healthier, calmer, freer, wiser - person as a result of this latest leg of my journey.
I've talked for years about wanting to help the broken and less fortunate, to be a foster and adoptive parent, etc. And, in the midst of all the job/role drama and disappointment, God was subtly actually aligning things to allow me to finally move forward in those - ultimately more impactful - things.
Specifically, He's opened my heart up to the vast needs of those involved in human trafficking - specifically domestic trafficking. I'll share more about what that all means in my next post.....
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Our Choices
"But in this twilight our choices seal our fate."
I'm sure one could come up with many interpretations for this specific lyric...but for me, it really felt like a word of caution and encouragement all wrapped into one. Essentially, my response to this in-between time of my life...when I've struggled and been a little impatient and disappointed...will direct the entire course of my life. I could choose to remain sad and resigned or I could choose to hope.
I'd been little more than simply mindful of the profundity of that thought until last week, when my pastor did a talk on suffering and hope, specifically in light of the awful Jessica Ridgeway tragedy the Denver metro area has been dealing with. While the content of his talk was not necessarily anything I'd never heard before, it just so happened to be the perfect moment for me to hear it again. It was one of those moments when his words went straight to my heart and I'm now forever altered.
Here's the long and short of what struck me from his talk: "Every leader who's ever made a difference in the world faced suffering, setbacks and disappointment in the present...but had their eyes ever on their future Hope and so they never gave up" and "When we face suffering and disappointment, our choice is to continue on with that eternal hope or to despair and resign ourselves to our present circumstances."
As I heard his words, I realized how I've always been an optimistic, hopeful, glass-half-full type of person - that is, until about two months ago...when I gave into resignation and despair...truly beginning to believe that the life I presently live (where everything's circumstantially the same as it has been for the past six years) would be the life I live until the end of my days...never getting to actually realize the dreams in my heart. And, in that moment, everything changed for me. I made the decision to hope. I chose to not give up.
And, while nothing has circumstantially changed in the 10 or so days since I heard that talk and made that decision, I feel like a completely different person. Actually, I feel like myself again. But a better version of myself. The cloud of disappointment, despair and resignation has lifted and what has emerged is a joyful, confident, silly, peaceful, at-rest, hopeful person. The power of my seemingly simple choice to hope has been profound. And, once again, I'm overwhelmed with the kind, patient, faithful love of my Father and overwhelmed with His goodness and dreams for my life that are more vast than my own....
I do think there's a deeply profound truth to that song lyric...how we choose to live and what we choose to believe and set our hope on in the dark, difficult and disappointing times will affect the rest of our lives. I'm sure to have many more dark moments in the course of my life, as I'm sure you are too, but my prayer is that we'll both have the strength, courage and tenacity to continue to set our hope beyond the circumstantial and onto the eternal One.
Grateful.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Blessed Assurance
It'd be nice to say that by the time I share something in this forum, I've already not only processed through that truth or concept but also applied it to my life in such a way that I am forever altered.
It'd be nice.
If it were true.
And, specifically with the concept shared most recently, it's as if once I shared it, I no longer had any idea what in the world I had shared. It's as if the idea of living in that tension between patience and desire, between reality and hope, between gratitude and impatient anticipation, disappeared completely and instead, I became a bitter, disappointed, listless, angry, hopeless person.
It's as if.
Too bad it's not "as if"....
It is.
It'sfunny terribly unfortunate devastating how easy it is to lose sight of truth and thus become the worst version of yourself...someone who has forgotten all of the grace and freedom and promise and space afforded to you and instead, so quickly and easily digresses back to the person you were years ago, to the person who lived in fear and doubt and insecurity and hopelessness and a willingness to settle.
Yet.
Yet, there's then the grace and kindness of a Father who so patiently waits while you throw your tantrums (even when a 33-yr old's tantrum literally matches a 3-yr old's or 13-yr old's), who quietly listens to your accusations and frustrations hurled right at Him, and who gently gives you the opportunities to wrestle and question...and relent, finally seeing the truth...but a truth made so much more true by the wrestling than it ever could have been from merely the thinking and processing.
That's the Father I am privileged and humbled to call my own.
For the past six weeks, I've (kind of) pretended I was doing fine...only to have allowed the seeds of bitterness and entitlement to root and grow in my heart...and every time there was a seeming setback to my dreams (and there were surprisingly more than one in such a short amount of time), instead of seeing it as an opportunity to learn and grow and grasp more of who the Lord is and what He's ultimately up to in and through my life, I'd chosen to see it as further proof that I still wasn't good enough...or worse yet, He was holding out on me just to be vindictive.
How arrogant. How misguided. How stupid. How utterly and completely false.
Yet truly, He took all of my arrogance and anger and entitlement and bitterness in stride, patiently waiting until I'd stop for five seconds and realize just how good He is being to me; how truly not getting the thing(s) I think I want right now is evidence of His vast love; how willingly I settle (as CS Lewis says) for playing in the mud when a trip to the ocean is offered to me; how a setback is only that - a setback, not a failure and not a "no" - but rather an opportunity to learn and continue on in the same manner; and how above all else, He is the Prize, the End and the Point of my pursuit.
I wish I could pinpoint what triggered the digression. But, I can't. More importantly, I wish I could pinpoint what triggered the turnaround. But, I can't do that either. Except to say that it was somewhere in the wrestling and whining and arguing...because, as is true every time I wrestle with God, I'm once again changed and altered...and see God just a bit more clearly, like Jacob did.
May I ever attain to be in this place:
"Perfect submission, all is at rest;
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."
It'd be nice.
If it were true.
And, specifically with the concept shared most recently, it's as if once I shared it, I no longer had any idea what in the world I had shared. It's as if the idea of living in that tension between patience and desire, between reality and hope, between gratitude and impatient anticipation, disappeared completely and instead, I became a bitter, disappointed, listless, angry, hopeless person.
It's as if.
Too bad it's not "as if"....
It is.
It's
Yet.
Yet, there's then the grace and kindness of a Father who so patiently waits while you throw your tantrums (even when a 33-yr old's tantrum literally matches a 3-yr old's or 13-yr old's), who quietly listens to your accusations and frustrations hurled right at Him, and who gently gives you the opportunities to wrestle and question...and relent, finally seeing the truth...but a truth made so much more true by the wrestling than it ever could have been from merely the thinking and processing.
That's the Father I am privileged and humbled to call my own.
For the past six weeks, I've (kind of) pretended I was doing fine...only to have allowed the seeds of bitterness and entitlement to root and grow in my heart...and every time there was a seeming setback to my dreams (and there were surprisingly more than one in such a short amount of time), instead of seeing it as an opportunity to learn and grow and grasp more of who the Lord is and what He's ultimately up to in and through my life, I'd chosen to see it as further proof that I still wasn't good enough...or worse yet, He was holding out on me just to be vindictive.
How arrogant. How misguided. How stupid. How utterly and completely false.
Yet truly, He took all of my arrogance and anger and entitlement and bitterness in stride, patiently waiting until I'd stop for five seconds and realize just how good He is being to me; how truly not getting the thing(s) I think I want right now is evidence of His vast love; how willingly I settle (as CS Lewis says) for playing in the mud when a trip to the ocean is offered to me; how a setback is only that - a setback, not a failure and not a "no" - but rather an opportunity to learn and continue on in the same manner; and how above all else, He is the Prize, the End and the Point of my pursuit.
I wish I could pinpoint what triggered the digression. But, I can't. More importantly, I wish I could pinpoint what triggered the turnaround. But, I can't do that either. Except to say that it was somewhere in the wrestling and whining and arguing...because, as is true every time I wrestle with God, I'm once again changed and altered...and see God just a bit more clearly, like Jacob did.
May I ever attain to be in this place:
"Perfect submission, all is at rest;
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love."
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Living in the Tension
For whatever reason, I've found myself saying the following quite often these past few weeks: "Everything's the same but nothing's the same." Meaning - at the basest level, for the past six-ish years I've had the same job, lived in the same house, gone to the same church, driven the same car, and had the same relationship status but yet have experienced such a depth of healing and freedom that I am no where near the same person I was six years ago.
Everything's the same but nothing's the same.
Also, I've been in situations that have caused me - sometimes viscerally - to remember what I was like and what life was like "back then," to marvel at the depth of brokenness I lived with and the profound and undeserved grace that has been mine since, to look at where I came from and be arrested by the vast beauty that is my life now. And yet these same situations (and others) have caused me to struggle. To watch so many friends and acquaintances "move on with their lives" - get married, have children, advance in ministry, move, progress professionally, step into dreams long held, etc. etc. etc. while I still haven't experienced most of those things.
Everything's the same but nothing's the same.
It's interesting because I know the right answers. At the end of the day, what I know to be true...what I rest in (in the good moments) and cling to (in the hard moments)...are the realities that:
There are moments of despair. There are moments of futilely trying to take matters into my own hands. There are moments of deep joy. There are moments of profound disappointment. There are moments of overpowering grace. There are moments of tear-inducing, life-altering gratitude.
But, really - thankfully, gratefully and definitely frustratingly - there's nothing else I can do but wait, hope and trust.
And so I live in the tension.
Everything's the same but nothing's the same.
Also, I've been in situations that have caused me - sometimes viscerally - to remember what I was like and what life was like "back then," to marvel at the depth of brokenness I lived with and the profound and undeserved grace that has been mine since, to look at where I came from and be arrested by the vast beauty that is my life now. And yet these same situations (and others) have caused me to struggle. To watch so many friends and acquaintances "move on with their lives" - get married, have children, advance in ministry, move, progress professionally, step into dreams long held, etc. etc. etc. while I still haven't experienced most of those things.
Everything's the same but nothing's the same.
It's interesting because I know the right answers. At the end of the day, what I know to be true...what I rest in (in the good moments) and cling to (in the hard moments)...are the realities that:
- God is good.
- He loves me.
- He has the perfect plan for me.
- He knows my heart, my dreams and my desires even more clearly than I do.
- The healing and freedom I have experienced are far more valuable than any circumstantial change ever could be.
- Others may have the circumstantial things I long for but not yet the healing and freedom I do.
- He is the perfect Orchestrator of my life, and, ultimately, I want things to turn out the way He has planned, rather than my meager and sub par expectations.
There are moments of despair. There are moments of futilely trying to take matters into my own hands. There are moments of deep joy. There are moments of profound disappointment. There are moments of overpowering grace. There are moments of tear-inducing, life-altering gratitude.
But, really - thankfully, gratefully and definitely frustratingly - there's nothing else I can do but wait, hope and trust.
And so I live in the tension.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Pushing Through
When I last wrote, I was basking in the wonder, freedom, joy and redemption of relinquishing control, showing my weaknesses and still feeling safe.
In the weeks since that post, I've been anything but basking in freedom and joy. Instead, I've been an emotional mess...albeit almost entirely internally and not letting many people know just how bad/hard it's been. (Man, that description I gave about being a "7" on the Enneagram was more accurate than I care to admit. NAILED.)
Why an emotional mess? Well, basically because I had tasted what it was like to feel so free and secure with the people around me...and now I am afraid of losing it. So, I teeter between old coping mechanisms (of shutting down, pulling back, holding back, being distant, caring for others and pretending everything's fine - essentially of controlling the situations and relationships around me so I can't be hurt) and trying to push through the fear, be honest and risk by staying open emotionally and showing my need/weaknesses.
Add to that having two very dear friends move away in the past few months. Two people who dared to push through all of my walls and supposed "strength" long (we're talking years) before I even realized how closed off I was. And, while I'm still good friends with both of them (I think I've spoken to one of them nearly every single day since she moved), it's still different not having them here in the "every day" of my life.
And, finally, let's not forget to include a very challenging work environment where something I've been working toward for nearly two years seems further away than ever before. The people I thought were advocates for helping me transition into a new position have failed me. I feel like they've been dangling a carrot in front of me for 18 months, and every time I get close to grasping it, the rules change. I feel unseen, unappreciated, unvalued and taken advantage of...honestly, just plain disappointed and devastated. I dared to risk trusting them to help me achieve this dream and it feels like they haven't made me a priority. And, instead, that they've actually helped advance other people in the company while leaving me behind. While I know the truth that people do care about me and that I can trust others...this work situation has only tried to drive home the opposite....
I find my heart and mind at war with the competing thoughts of "See, no one ever comes through for you...it's not safe to trust or depend on anyone else. Everyone will disappoint or abandon you. If you want to make something happen, you've got to do it yourself. It's not worth the risk to do otherwise." and "This is just a work situation. This isn't indicative of your value, your worth or reality. People don't always fail you; they are trust-worthy. Keep risking. Keep daring to hope. Stay open and soft. You can trust your friends...even if this work situation is disappointing and frustrating."
The other day, I was explaining all this to one of the friends who moved, and he said two things: "It's really awesome that you're that self aware...that you know what's going on and why you're acting/feeling/reacting how you are." and "Wow, sometimes ignorance is bliss, isn't it? I mean, this is good stuff you're working through...but life sure is easier and less emotional when you're not aware."
Isn't that the truth? It's both great and really hard all at once. I've worked hard for years to be this self aware...and yet, I still have so far to go...and the journey is scary and painful at many points. But, I'm trying and choosing to push past the fear and disappointment to stay open, to risk, to trust, to be free, to not always be in control, and to allow others in. I have to believe that even if it's painful and risky, it's so much more worth it, so much more life-giving, so much freer to live that way.
I tasted that freedom and joy a few weeks ago...and believe that what I tasted was more than momentary...that it is the enduring and delectable feast that awaits me....
In the weeks since that post, I've been anything but basking in freedom and joy. Instead, I've been an emotional mess...albeit almost entirely internally and not letting many people know just how bad/hard it's been. (Man, that description I gave about being a "7" on the Enneagram was more accurate than I care to admit. NAILED.)
Why an emotional mess? Well, basically because I had tasted what it was like to feel so free and secure with the people around me...and now I am afraid of losing it. So, I teeter between old coping mechanisms (of shutting down, pulling back, holding back, being distant, caring for others and pretending everything's fine - essentially of controlling the situations and relationships around me so I can't be hurt) and trying to push through the fear, be honest and risk by staying open emotionally and showing my need/weaknesses.
Add to that having two very dear friends move away in the past few months. Two people who dared to push through all of my walls and supposed "strength" long (we're talking years) before I even realized how closed off I was. And, while I'm still good friends with both of them (I think I've spoken to one of them nearly every single day since she moved), it's still different not having them here in the "every day" of my life.
And, finally, let's not forget to include a very challenging work environment where something I've been working toward for nearly two years seems further away than ever before. The people I thought were advocates for helping me transition into a new position have failed me. I feel like they've been dangling a carrot in front of me for 18 months, and every time I get close to grasping it, the rules change. I feel unseen, unappreciated, unvalued and taken advantage of...honestly, just plain disappointed and devastated. I dared to risk trusting them to help me achieve this dream and it feels like they haven't made me a priority. And, instead, that they've actually helped advance other people in the company while leaving me behind. While I know the truth that people do care about me and that I can trust others...this work situation has only tried to drive home the opposite....
I find my heart and mind at war with the competing thoughts of "See, no one ever comes through for you...it's not safe to trust or depend on anyone else. Everyone will disappoint or abandon you. If you want to make something happen, you've got to do it yourself. It's not worth the risk to do otherwise." and "This is just a work situation. This isn't indicative of your value, your worth or reality. People don't always fail you; they are trust-worthy. Keep risking. Keep daring to hope. Stay open and soft. You can trust your friends...even if this work situation is disappointing and frustrating."
The other day, I was explaining all this to one of the friends who moved, and he said two things: "It's really awesome that you're that self aware...that you know what's going on and why you're acting/feeling/reacting how you are." and "Wow, sometimes ignorance is bliss, isn't it? I mean, this is good stuff you're working through...but life sure is easier and less emotional when you're not aware."
Isn't that the truth? It's both great and really hard all at once. I've worked hard for years to be this self aware...and yet, I still have so far to go...and the journey is scary and painful at many points. But, I'm trying and choosing to push past the fear and disappointment to stay open, to risk, to trust, to be free, to not always be in control, and to allow others in. I have to believe that even if it's painful and risky, it's so much more worth it, so much more life-giving, so much freer to live that way.
I tasted that freedom and joy a few weeks ago...and believe that what I tasted was more than momentary...that it is the enduring and delectable feast that awaits me....
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