That's how I feel...like I'm a completely new person.
Even though they were nearly three months ago, my most-recent posts adequately give the backdrop for what this latest season of my life has been about - receiving deeper healing and freedom in knowing that I'm lovable and enjoyed.
After the near purse theft a few months ago, the next step into freedom was a life-changing statement by my pastor -
J: "I know that you're a emotional person...so whenever I have to confront you on something, I pray like crazy that the Lord will give me the right words to say so you hear my heart and that you can receive it how I intend it."
N: (internally) "awesome....why am I so emotional? I have to learn how to not be so damn emotional."
J: "You're probably thinking something like how you don't like that you're emotional and that I'm aware of it or something....you probably hate that I just said that. But, really, Natalie, I don't care how you feel about what I said. It's who you are and that's okay."
NAILED.
It took me about four hours to think through and hear what he actually said (which is a monumental thing in and of itself...because in the past, I never would have gotten past what I thought I heard rather than what he really said)...he didn't say "You're too emotional and need to have a tougher skin."
Instead, he said, "This is who you are. I accept you as you are. I adapt how I interact with you to meet you as you are."
There was no indictment on my behavior or personality. Instead, it was a cherishing, a protecting, a tender care for me.
A simple statement...yet it completely revolutionized things for me. Instead of feeling isolated and/or that I needed to change who I was to be acceptable, I realized that he (and the other members of our leadership team at church) really are for me and that who I am - as I am - is okay. That conversation made me feel safe, known, loved, cherished...celebrated even....
...a further crack into the protective walls I've put up around my heart....
And...there's more to come....
Friday, June 19, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
How a Near-Robbery Showed Me God's Love
(Yes, three posts in one day. Don't get used to it! ;) It may be another few months before there's another post!)
On Monday, I walked away from my desk at work for a minute. Literally ONE MINUTE. When I came back, there was a client in front of my desk and a strange man I'd never seen before behind my desk. I was a bit disoriented with the scene...but helped the client and asked the man behind my desk what he was doing there. With a shrug as if to say "I'm not sure," he responded, "Applying for a job...?"
I wasn't buying it...but he came around to the front of my desk as I sat down. I stalled him from just walking out of the office by giving him our typical application spiel. I took in his description as I leaned over, nonchalantly, under my desk to pick up my large bag I take to work It was lighter than usual, so I looked inside - my purse was GONE!
I knew he had something to do with it missing and he knew I was onto him....so, he began to run out the door. I ran right behind him, screaming very loudly (all my years of vocal training has finally paid-off....I can project my voice very loudly!), "Give it back, give me my purse back now! STOP!!!"
I chased him down the stairs and up the street. But, once we got to the street, he ran much faster than me...I was quickly losing him. But, I was still chasing him and screaming.
Then, all of the sudden, I saw a co-worker run past me. Then another. Then another. And, then another. And, in a mix of fury, relief, frustration and anxiety, I collapsed in tears in the street - leaning up against a parked car. And, then a fifth co-worker was running past me, saw me and brought me over to the sidewalk. A sixth one (one of the owners of my company) met us on the sidewalk, put his arms around me, let me cry/shake/hyperventilate and walked me back to our building, encouraging me that the guys would catch the thief and get my purse back.
The guys did come back - with the thief's backpack - with us all thinking that my purse was in there. Still crying/hyperventilating, I tore open the backpack, only to find a ballcap, a box of frozen Hot Pockets (we think he stole them from our freezer), a small brown paper bag, and bolt cutters. No purse.
I immediately got on my computer to try to cancel my credit cards and bank account. All I could think is that in addition to my wallet, this thief now had my address, my phone and my keys (to my house and car). While I was frantically on the computer, another coworker said, "Is this your purse?"
It turns out it was - with my wallet and everything else still in there! The would-be thief didn't get my purse! We think that the client must have come in about 30 seconds after the thief and stunted the thief's attempt - so the thief just threw my purse to the corner. :)
Now, based on what I've said so far and the title I used for this, I bet you think that simply because my purse wasn't stolen, I'm more aware of God's love for me. But, that's not the case. While I'm extremely relieved that all of that drama and panic turned out to be for nothing, that's not what illustrated God's love for/to me.
Instead, the fact that four co-workers simply heard my screams and, without a second thought, chased after the would-be thief, with no regard for their own safety, did it. I'm in awe that they were willing to fight for and defend me. That's mostly why I collapsed in the street - in relief that I wasn't alone having to chase down this guy...but that four people I know only from work and don't spend much if any time with outside of the office, went to bat so quickly and readily for me. Then, the other two guys who comforted me and allowed me to feel weak, vulnerable, scared and upset - that was amazing too.
I feel like it all goes in line with what the Lord's been showing me and trying to teach to me - that I am loved, loveable, cared for, seen and not alone. That I'm allowed to be weak and show others that I need them. That when I'm willing to let my guard down and show people that I need them, I won't be neglected or ostrasized...but embraced with open arms.
Even later that day, I found myself apologizing to all six of those guys - for screaming and making a scene for what turned out to be nothing. And, all six of them told me I had done exactly the right thing and there was nothing to apologize for. Also, I found myself unable to adequately express my thanks to all six of them - a mere "thank you" felt so inconsequential. Their brave, strong, kind acts did something profound in me.
Maybe I'm, finally, beginning to tap into feeling and embracing what it means to be loved....because I know that what they did is so meager in comparison to the Lord's and to my close family and friend's love for me.....
On Monday, I walked away from my desk at work for a minute. Literally ONE MINUTE. When I came back, there was a client in front of my desk and a strange man I'd never seen before behind my desk. I was a bit disoriented with the scene...but helped the client and asked the man behind my desk what he was doing there. With a shrug as if to say "I'm not sure," he responded, "Applying for a job...?"
I wasn't buying it...but he came around to the front of my desk as I sat down. I stalled him from just walking out of the office by giving him our typical application spiel. I took in his description as I leaned over, nonchalantly, under my desk to pick up my large bag I take to work It was lighter than usual, so I looked inside - my purse was GONE!
I knew he had something to do with it missing and he knew I was onto him....so, he began to run out the door. I ran right behind him, screaming very loudly (all my years of vocal training has finally paid-off....I can project my voice very loudly!), "Give it back, give me my purse back now! STOP!!!"
I chased him down the stairs and up the street. But, once we got to the street, he ran much faster than me...I was quickly losing him. But, I was still chasing him and screaming.
Then, all of the sudden, I saw a co-worker run past me. Then another. Then another. And, then another. And, in a mix of fury, relief, frustration and anxiety, I collapsed in tears in the street - leaning up against a parked car. And, then a fifth co-worker was running past me, saw me and brought me over to the sidewalk. A sixth one (one of the owners of my company) met us on the sidewalk, put his arms around me, let me cry/shake/hyperventilate and walked me back to our building, encouraging me that the guys would catch the thief and get my purse back.
The guys did come back - with the thief's backpack - with us all thinking that my purse was in there. Still crying/hyperventilating, I tore open the backpack, only to find a ballcap, a box of frozen Hot Pockets (we think he stole them from our freezer), a small brown paper bag, and bolt cutters. No purse.
I immediately got on my computer to try to cancel my credit cards and bank account. All I could think is that in addition to my wallet, this thief now had my address, my phone and my keys (to my house and car). While I was frantically on the computer, another coworker said, "Is this your purse?"
It turns out it was - with my wallet and everything else still in there! The would-be thief didn't get my purse! We think that the client must have come in about 30 seconds after the thief and stunted the thief's attempt - so the thief just threw my purse to the corner. :)
Now, based on what I've said so far and the title I used for this, I bet you think that simply because my purse wasn't stolen, I'm more aware of God's love for me. But, that's not the case. While I'm extremely relieved that all of that drama and panic turned out to be for nothing, that's not what illustrated God's love for/to me.
Instead, the fact that four co-workers simply heard my screams and, without a second thought, chased after the would-be thief, with no regard for their own safety, did it. I'm in awe that they were willing to fight for and defend me. That's mostly why I collapsed in the street - in relief that I wasn't alone having to chase down this guy...but that four people I know only from work and don't spend much if any time with outside of the office, went to bat so quickly and readily for me. Then, the other two guys who comforted me and allowed me to feel weak, vulnerable, scared and upset - that was amazing too.
I feel like it all goes in line with what the Lord's been showing me and trying to teach to me - that I am loved, loveable, cared for, seen and not alone. That I'm allowed to be weak and show others that I need them. That when I'm willing to let my guard down and show people that I need them, I won't be neglected or ostrasized...but embraced with open arms.
Even later that day, I found myself apologizing to all six of those guys - for screaming and making a scene for what turned out to be nothing. And, all six of them told me I had done exactly the right thing and there was nothing to apologize for. Also, I found myself unable to adequately express my thanks to all six of them - a mere "thank you" felt so inconsequential. Their brave, strong, kind acts did something profound in me.
Maybe I'm, finally, beginning to tap into feeling and embracing what it means to be loved....because I know that what they did is so meager in comparison to the Lord's and to my close family and friend's love for me.....
A (Continued) Work In-Progress, Part 2
Last weekend, I went to a small intentional/discipleship group (iGroup) with a few girls from my church. I went for a functional reason - one of the girls in the group oversees a ministry that I will soon be overseeing and I wanted to be a part of the transition. But, it ended up that the Lord had so much more in-store for me.
I need to give a bit more context for it to make sense:
As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been working through my mother/lonliness issues again. Recently, I summed up everything I was feeling in a joural entry, telling the Lord that "I believe that You and others love me...but I can't feel or embrace it. Somewhere, there's a disconnect. Please heal whatever the disconnect is and help me to feel, know and embrace the love you and others have for me."
In the moment, He worked profoundly in me through Psalm 31. (Read it here for yourself - specifically verses 2, 7-12, 14-17, 19-24 - to understand what I was feeling and the hope the Lord offered me.)
Then, at iGroup the other night, we were talking about and praying through the different personal issues/anxieties that we feel keep us from really being able to think about the world and offer hope, the One true HOPE, Jesus, to the world. I mentioned the whole "knowing but not being able to embrace being loved" thing and the girls prayed for me. There's no good way for me to explain the experience...other than it was profound. I felt really safe being as raw and broken as I was and was able to embrace the love being offered to me from the girls as well as from the Lord. While we were praying, I felt like the Lord spoke to me - revealing a lie I'd chosen to believe as a small child, that "I wasn't worth being loved." I confessed the lie outloud and prayed through it. And, honestly, while I know I'm not out of the woods yet, I feel like the prayer and freedom I experienced on Sunday night was huge, vital and a significant step in gaining greater healing and freedom.
I need to give a bit more context for it to make sense:
As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been working through my mother/lonliness issues again. Recently, I summed up everything I was feeling in a joural entry, telling the Lord that "I believe that You and others love me...but I can't feel or embrace it. Somewhere, there's a disconnect. Please heal whatever the disconnect is and help me to feel, know and embrace the love you and others have for me."
In the moment, He worked profoundly in me through Psalm 31. (Read it here for yourself - specifically verses 2, 7-12, 14-17, 19-24 - to understand what I was feeling and the hope the Lord offered me.)
Then, at iGroup the other night, we were talking about and praying through the different personal issues/anxieties that we feel keep us from really being able to think about the world and offer hope, the One true HOPE, Jesus, to the world. I mentioned the whole "knowing but not being able to embrace being loved" thing and the girls prayed for me. There's no good way for me to explain the experience...other than it was profound. I felt really safe being as raw and broken as I was and was able to embrace the love being offered to me from the girls as well as from the Lord. While we were praying, I felt like the Lord spoke to me - revealing a lie I'd chosen to believe as a small child, that "I wasn't worth being loved." I confessed the lie outloud and prayed through it. And, honestly, while I know I'm not out of the woods yet, I feel like the prayer and freedom I experienced on Sunday night was huge, vital and a significant step in gaining greater healing and freedom.
A (Continued) Work In-Progress
It's been forever and I'm not quite sure where to start! Blame the lack of postings on busyness, laziness or maybe maybe just some reclusiveness. I've been processing a lot and I feel like I'm in the midst of, once more, delving into the depths of my heart and allowing the Lord to free and heal me - at a familiar, though much deeper, place.
For about the last six months, I've been carrying this intense feeling of lonliness - more real than I think I've ever felt before - even though I have a million people in my life. At a leadership retreat in January, my pastor asked each of us which of the following was easiest and which of the following was the most difficult:
For about the last six months, I've been carrying this intense feeling of lonliness - more real than I think I've ever felt before - even though I have a million people in my life. At a leadership retreat in January, my pastor asked each of us which of the following was easiest and which of the following was the most difficult:
- Messiness with God
- Messiness with spouse and close friends
- Messiness with the people who lead me
- Messiness with the people I lead
- (Giving space for the) messiness of those I lead
(Messiness here is defined as someone in-process, being raw, emotional, weak, vulnerable, etc.)For nearly everyone else in the room, one of their easiest ones was #2: "Messiness with spouse or close friends." But, not for me.
Apart from the obvious inability for me to be messy with a spouse I have yet to meet, the reality that I really am closed off from my close friends hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm MUCH more comfortable messy with God, the people I lead or with those not very close to me. But, for some reason, the closer one is to me, the harder it is for me to be weak or broken around them. It's almost as if I'm afraid that I'll be rejected if I show them just how screwed up I really am.
I'm smart enough to have started putting things together and realized that my fear of being weak or messy around my closest friends and the overwhelming lonliness I've been feeling were linked. And, as I thought and prayed through it more, I realized that, once again, these things are results of growing up with a mentally (and now, completely physically) unavailable mother.
The realization was on one-hand a relief - to realize that I'm not just relationally unavailable and closed-off because I've decided to be or am some cold-hearted, closed-off moron...that there really is a reason I struggle with these things. Specifically, I realized that the reason I was afraid to be close to the people closest to me is for fear of rejection and abandonment - yes, because of my mother (that's where the wound began)...but more recently because, of the few people I had risked being messy and vulnerable with in the past few years, three of them are no longer in my life and have chosen to not have me in their lives. Although I can understand that they're also broken, etc and that some friendships just don't endure, it hurts - still, year(s) later - more than I would like to admit. It feels like abandonment; it feels like once they saw the real me, it wasn't good enough or scared them away.
But, honestly, more than the relief I felt for understanding why I was feeling and struggling the way I was, I was irritated and infuriated. I feel like I've been here so many times; like I've faced these issues, worked through them and experienced freedom and genuine life-change so many times. Yet, here I am again...as if no progress has been made, as if I've not done any work for the past 12 long years.
That's how it feels. And, yet, I know it's different this time. I know I'm different. I know progress has been made. As I processed a lot of this with my pastor, he said tons of encouraging and enlightening things. But, the thing that was the most impactful was: "Natalie, your weakest relationships now are far healthier than your best relationships were just a few years ago. There's been tons of growth and progress. Now, you're just going deeper (again)."
So, for the past few months, I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation - acknowledging and accepting how I feel in a certain moment or how a situation makes me feel. Then, I counteract what I'm feeling with the truth I know about something or someone. I've been praying a lot and learning to allow myself the honest freedom to be in process, to be broken, to feel what I'm feeling without rationalizing it away and I've been letting those closest to me honestly into the process, the brokeness and the feelings with me - without trying to package it up for or justify it to them. It's been hard...I'm not going to lie. But, it's also been liberating and freeing. And, I'm seeing a bit more progress every day....
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Hmmm.....
"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets thei dea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
~ Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005, Pastor & former President of the SouthernBaptist Convention
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thankful Thursday, Take 58
Thanking God this week for:
- A chance to go up to Estes Park for just one evening of the four-day long National Vineyard Worship Leaders Retreat
- The chance to reconnect with some old friends at the retreat
- The chance to make new friends with others at the retreat - one of the girls even stayed at my house for a few days before and after
- Continuing my reign as shuffleboard champion
- The chance to take four friends/worship folks from my church up there with me
- Snowshoeing last Sunday with Jennie, Tif and Robyn
- My job
- The council planning retreat this weekend
- The amazingly gorgeous 65-70+ degree weather this week
- History being made with the inauguration of our first black president
- The opportunities before us
- The Lord's profound love for me
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Thankful Thursday, Take 57
Thanking God this week for:
- Perspective and realignment
- A fun holiday party at work this past weekend (and 8+ hrs of paid overtime to plan it, decorate it, set it up, clean up, etc)
- Some down time
- Hearing the Lord's voice clearly again
- Feeling like myself (joyful and not heavy-hearted and hopeless) for the first time in a few months
- A great, illuminating lunch with Becca
- A time to repent of my own actions with the entire S situation - how my fear of seeming discontent or unfaithful to the Lord by saying I long to be in a relationship with someone contributed to my getting so close to S and, in a sense, making him dependant on me without my having any intention of dating him. Wow...the heart is deceiptfully wicked....
- A FABULOUS meeting about our downtown church hub plant and all the Lord was speaking
- A spectacular small group meeting last night - proof that lots of prayer and a little preparation does a lot more than a lot of preparation and just a little prayer. He does the work and gets the credit...not me.
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