On the Other Side

My last post talked about how my return from Italy really helped to show me how much I matter to people here in Denver. It was super redemptive, super encouraging and super freeing.

Yet, today, less than a week later, I feel 180 degrees different. I'm not sure what my issue is, what my problem is and why I'm feeling as alone, insecure, unseen, uncared for and unwanted as I've ever felt.

Maybe it's just the normal flow of life and emotions. Maybe I'm a super needy person who just needs to be told every second of my life how wonderful I am. Wow...I hope that's not true....

But something odd is going on.

For our Sunday evening services at church, we're in the midst of a series called "One Thing" where a different person shares each week on his/her "one thing" of most importance or on his/her heart. And, last night, my friend Nicole shared on friendship.

She did really well - talking about how true friendship reflects truth, refines us and redeems us. It was great. But, even as I was driving home last night, I felt things being dialed up in me.

I think I'm beginning to realize a few new things about me:

1. I'm opposite from most others. While I am not about to say that I'm the most unselfish, giving person on the planet, I find that I actually do think of others far more than I think of myself....to my detriment.

I hold back from speaking truth - when it's something I need or some way that I've been hurt by another - simply because I don't want to inconvenience them and I don't want to be/appear selfish or that all I do is think about myself and my needs, etc.

Plus, I'm very committed to my friends. Willing to drop everything quickly for a friend in need, always willing to help someone move, to go out of my way if at all possible for whatever someone else may need, etc. Even while I was in Italy, everywhere I went, I was thinking about what friends would enjoy each random souvenir or trinket that I saw. And, honestly, other than a pair of fake designer sunglasses and lots of pictures, every other souvenir that I came home with was for someone else.

I find that I actually get frustrated and hurt when people don't ask me to help them with something or when I'm unable to help someone. A great friend of mine moved into a new house while I was in Italy and while I wasn't about to cancel my trip, I was really very upset and sad that I couldn't be there to help her and her husband. (And, even more upset when, upon my return, I heard that many other people bailed on them at the last minute...so they had very few people to help them.)

2. I have high, probably unfair, expectations of others. I find that I tend to think that all others are like me. That they're always thinking of other people, completely committed to those around them, etc.

But, I'm finding that it's not true more than it is true.

I'm not perfect. God knows I'm not. I am selfish. I am obnoxious. And, I do have some people in my life whose words and actions really line up and who are really great, true friends.

But, I think maybe part of the reason I'm in the funk I'm in is because I'm seeing a discrepancy between what true friends are supposed to be (as highlighted at last night's service) and what I experience with most people. Maybe it's that last week so many people mentioned how great it was to have me back in town but other than their words, I'm not seeing or hearing anything further from them. Maybe it's that I do have unfair expectations of those around me....or maybe I have the right expectations but people don't know how to live them out.

And, now I'm at an impass....do I actually mention to others (who say we're close friends) that I feel like they're failing me? Or is that selfish? Is that thinking of myself more than of them and what's going on in their lives right now? How do I balance actually caring for others in healthy ways but not denying my own needs, hurts, pain and desires?

Jesus, show me the ways that I actually fail as a friend - even when I think I'm a pretty good one - so that I don't hurt others the way I feel hurt and overlooked by some or so that I don't say one thing but do another.