Thursday, August 2, 2007

I'm tired and I'm ranting....

I'm tired.

So I'm grumpy.

And, I have that feeling I always had in college at the end of the semeseter when everything was due: pressure in my chest and the desire to just run from all of it, ignore it and not really care how I do combined with a ridiculous sense of responsibility and a desire to be a perfectionist...to prove that I can actually do it (whatever "it" happens to be) really well.

I have a VLI midterm tonight. One for which I've barely studied and one for which the format has changed (read: gotten harder) since the last quarter.

This quarter didn't start out well for me - considering I missed the first two lectures (of Church History...our weekly class) because I was in Italy and considering that I didn't know until the night of the third lecture whether I was going to do VLI this quarter anyhow.

Then, we've had technology problems....DVD players not working at the church, etc. So, we ended up having to listen to the third lecture on our own. Then, one of the intenstive lectures (systematic theology) skipped out on an entire section of the DVD...so one more we had to listen to on our own.

So, in the midst of my already-chaotic life, I had to find time to catch up on two weeks' worth of reading, three and a half lectures (at two hours each) and then study. And, the format's gotten harder because the classes are now really being offered as college credit for some seminaries (Asbury Seminary being the main one). That's great in the long run (not that I think that I'm going to ever pursue a graduate degree...).

As I shared in a previous post, I actually really like the content of these classes...but it's just a lot to take in in a short amount of time (which I don't have a lot of anyway). And, with the new format, we actually have to interact with the content and reading a lot more and form our own (supported) opinions. Like I said, really great in the long run. But, right now it's all just super irritating....I'm NOT prepared for this test at all. And, when I start to feel like this, I get the aforementioned pressure in my chest and sense of overwhelming to the point where I decide that I just don't care.

But obviously I do care...or I'd not be irritated and venting here.

Let's just add one more thing - I've been studying late at night (since I've had council meetings and harvest festival meetings and all) so I'm absolutely exhausted. Then grumpy at work. Then absent-minded at work. It's a beautiful cycle.

And, another thing: I've got a TON of stuff to do for church in the next few weeks....there are so many exciting, exciting things happening and we're shifting into lots of exciting stuff...but of course, that means a lot of work. Right now. So that we're ready for the "launch" in September. And, I'm tired.

Plus (this is the last thing, I swear), I'm going to Chicago for work in two weeks and since I'll probably have limited, if any, internet access (or time to even look at a computer) I have to get everything done before I leave. And, I want (lots of) time to spend with my dear, dear, dear friend Jennie before she leaves for (at least) an entire year in those two weeks too.

I'd cancel my trip if I could....but I can't. Yet, the one exciting piece of being in Chicago is that I'm going to get to go back to Fort Wayne and visit with some equally dear friends that I've not seen in more than three years. That's going to be wonderful. And, even last night at the Council meeting, while I was getting prayer for my anxiety about all of this, the Lord spoke so sweetly that this upcoming trip will be a blessing for me...that He has something special for me while I'm there.

And, that's super exciting.

But, that's only if I can get through the next two weeks alive and/or without having a heart attack. Or if I can get some sleep.

Okay...this rant is officially over.

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