All Over the Place

It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I've been all over the place mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And, I haven't even been capable of really articulating what's been going on - thus very few posts. All I know is that I haven't felt like myself, thought like myself or even acted like myself.

Today's the first day that I can say this with any modicum of confidence: I really believe that Jesus is doing something substantial, monumental and super important...even though at times I've definitely felt like I'm just going crazy (literally, one night last week, I got in my car and burst into tears - for no then conscious reason (and it WASN'T hormones!) - and said out loud, "I have no idea what's wrong with me...I must be going crazy").

I can't even tell you what it is He's doing....'cuz I actually have no idea what the end result will be. But, I'm sure it's going to be good. I'm sure that much of the stuff I've been saying - about my crazy schedule, my busyness, tiredness, constant striving and beginnings of understanding my motivations for things all play a part...but I think that whatever He's doing is much broader than that.

What I can say with certainty is that it's always in times like these that I forget WHO God is. I forget His character - His love, His kindness, His goodness, His good intentions, His truth, His mercy, His forgiveness, His purposes, His grace, His plans. And, I forget how He sees me and how I have known Him and seen Him. It all gets fuzzy. It all gets skewed. It all seems so flimsy...when it's the true subtance of life.

So, for the past few days, He's really been reminding me of who He is....and honestly, that's been annoying at times because I've had lots of questions that I've wanted Him to answer. But, instead, once again - as I've said numerous times during many other trying times in my life - He been answering with truer, more important and more relevant answers...reminding me of who He is and how much He loves me.

And, I know that the other answers will come, just when they're supposed to and not a minute sooner. I've been fighting Him, fighting against something I knew that I'd inevitably lose to and I've finally surrendered...because I've finally remembered that He really is trustworthy, He really is loving, He really does care about my heart, He really does pursue me and He really has my best intentions at heart....and I'm back to being simply His little girl, deeply loved and wrapped up in His arms. It probably sounds a little silly or gooey....but, it's true. Nothing else really matters...it ALL pales in comparison to knowing His love.

I do have to say, though - I feel like I'm always having these DRAMATIC issues in my life....always struggling with these HUGE things. And, either I'm just a super emotional, dramatic person who makes a big deal out of very little or I'm a really honest person with whom Jesus is able to do a lot of big, deep things. I often feel like I'm the former....but I'm hoping I'm actually the latter.....