Ever since I made this blog public, I've found how much less I actually say from my heart. There are fewer details and less of my heart processed here for the world to share than there used to be. Maybe I'm gun-shy because of a previous blog and sharing gone awry.
But, there's lot's going on. I've alluded to a lot of it but never really touched on the specifics. It's no secret that I've been overwhelmed with life....I'm simply trying to do too much and not taking care of myself spiritually or physically. And, though I've said it before, this time something's really going to change. The overwhelming that I've been feeling these last few weeks is not healthy, is not just seasonal or momentary and is not just mental. It's reality. If anyone saw my calendar - all I'm trying to do and thinking I have to do - you'd think I was crazy. Maybe I have been. But no more.
My pastor, Jay, gave a sermon a few weeks back about having margins in our lives and honestly, the entire rest of the room could have been gone...he could have been just speaking to me and it would have been fine. It was SO PERFECT. (You can download it off of our iTunes podcast.)
So, I'm in the midst of figuring out just what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing....how to really put margins in my life and not live to the extremes, to the limits of everything.
Here's the list of everything in my life right now:
-VLI (about 20 hrs per week)
-Work (with commute time, about 50 hrs per week)
-Participating on the worship team
-Overseeing the worship ministry and the worship ministry coordinators
-Overseeing the women's ministry the women's minstry coordinator
-Overseeing/coordinating the sound/audio-visual ministry until we find someone else to run it...then, simply overseeing that person/ministry area
-Coordinating the entire church council (aka elder board) - scheduling, deadlines, all other administrative tasks
-Joining the counseling ministry (to counsel others)
-Participating in small group
-Mentoring a girl in my small group
-working out
-relaxing
-keeping up with friends and family who aren't in Denver
-having fun
-spending time with Jesus
-spending time with friends
-enjoying other hobbies, etc
-taking care of my house
-space for a potential relationship to grow (IF/WHEN one comes about...right now there's absolutely no room for one even if someone was to be delivered to my doorstep)
See...there's a lot.
And, while I've already realized that this is completely not a sustainable way to live, I'm trying to figure out just what I need to/want to be doing and what things can go, I've been re-evaluating my calling/purpose in life (that I've felt God gave to me years ago) versus my gifting/talents versus common sense and am starting to formulate a plan (this is all in relation to the ways that I serve at church...SO that I can actually have room for the other, non-ministry, more "life" sorts of things listed above) .
About seven years ago, I made a personal life's mission statement that said something to the effect of being involved in worship, discipleship and administration.
Then, about three years ago, I realized that my real calling was to tell others about Jesus and His character - through worship and discipleship/counseling.
Then, just a few months ago, it was the discipleship/counseling thing that was driven home. You can read about that here.
So....when I look at all I'm involved in through the lens of those things, it seems that the admininstrative stuff shouldn't be part of the picture any longer - especially if, in addition to its not being a obvious part of my calling for the past few years, it feels more like a burden than a joy to do admin stuff outside of work (since I do admin stuff all day every day there).
So, I think that means the entire Council piece is out...no longer overseeing worship, sound or women's ministry and no longer coordinating the Council itself. Seems like the things I should be pressing into are participating on the worship team (since it's a joy to me and since singing/playing on a particular Sunday doesn't really take much out of me...but really energizes me), joining the counseling ministry, mentoring my friend C and completing VLI (since there are only three quarters left, since I'm learning so much about how to lead/pastor people and since for the next three quarters, I'll be getting mentored by our assistant pastor on counseling).
Still seems like a lot....and yet, not really that much and obviously far less than I'm doing right now. Plus, eliminating the weight of responsibility it is to oversee three ministry areas of the church and to coordinate the entire council will do wonders for my life. Wonders.
The next step is to share and process this out with Jay. To get his perspective. His advice. His thoughts. I've been processing it out with lots of people who are the closest to me - my parents, my sister, my closest friends Jennie and Ini, my friend/former mentor Carin - and they all seem to agree with the conclusion I've come to. I'm praying that my pastor does too.
I want to talk to him because (a) he's my pastor and I'm submitted to him, (b) I want to make sure that I've not overlooked or mis-processed any of this stuff and (c) I trust his insight and perspective.
I shared all the struggles and stress I was feeling with Jay about a month ago, so he knows what's going on. Then, he said that he wanted me to take some time to reconnect with Jesus and that once that happened, we'd come back to the other questions about what I can eliminate from my life, etc. He said that he thought about 90% would disappear once I reconnected with Jesus...but that if any/all of the stress and issues remained, he'd gladly relieve me of everything on my plate if necessary.
It's interesting, because on the one hand, I truly trust him and his perspective and I know that he cares about ME...not just the things I do. So, I know he's FOR ME. But, on the other hand, I'm scared that he's going to dismiss everything I've processed thus far and tell me that while the process is correct, my conclusions are incorrect. But, it's not that I'm afraid of HIM....I think I'm more afraid that my conclusions ARE incorrect.
I know that time will tell - or more importantly, God will tell. I know that. During a recent Sunday sermon, my assistant pastor Steve shared from Mark 1: 35-39 and I really felt like God was speaking to me through the sermon. Here's what I got out of it (as written in my journal):
"It was Mark 1:38 - how Jesus spent time with the Father. Then, He (Jesus) was being pressed by the people in that town to do certain things. And He said, 'Let's go to another town - that's what I was sent to do.' After spending time with the Father, Jesus knew what He was supposed to be about. And as 'good' or 'meritable' as the requests the people had for Him were, as legitimate as they were, they weren't the right things for Him at that time. He wasn't swayed but knew what He was to be about.
I just so feel like the sermon - and that bit of insight from that Scripture - was so key for me and a specific, timely answer to the questions that have been rolling around in my head for the last few days. The question I was weighing this morning was 'How can I justify to everyone that I shouldn't be on the council anymore?' And, I feel like I got my answer. Sort of.
It was a specific answer but not the specific answer. Meaning, I will be able to justify my decisions because I'll have spent time with Jesus and be certain that He will have spoken direction to me. But that right now, because I'm not quite back in relationship enough with Jesus to really know/trust what I'm hearing, I can't quite make the full decision and justify it at this moment."
That was all ten days ago...and as I've pressed more into Jesus and re-establish an intimate relationship with Him, these answers and conclusions haven't disappeared or changed...they've only strengthened (there are more examples....but I've written way too much here already today).
So....that's where I'm at. That's what's going on. And time will tell what the final result of all this is. We'll see.
When all's said and done, what I really want to be doing is only and everything that Jesus wants me to be doing....I'm just trying to figure out what that is. What's "great" vs "good"? What's what Jesus has for me in this season vs what I think I ought to be doing, feel obligated to do or what others think I ought to be doing? Those are the questions....hopefully the answers will come soon.
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