The church stuff I relayed in the last post was just part of all that's happened in the past 24 hours. Huge things have started to come together at work as well.
At one point in the six or so weeks that I was struggling with so many things, I had decided that I was quitting everything I was doing at my church and that I was going to take a new position at work...one that I was excited about, one that allowed me to do more project work...but one that also allowed me to work very closely with the one person in my office I have no business working that closely to...so needless to say, my motivations for quitting everything at church and taking this new position were skewed in about twelve ways.
But, even though my approach was wrong, some of the underlying issues weren't. While I love my current job, I also am ready for more of a challenge and so believe in what my company's doing that I want to be a more direct contributor to projects than I can by being the front office administrator/receptionist.
During this process, I actually told my boss and the "one person" mentioned above that I was ready to move into that new position if/when it became available the way I wanted it to (there were some specifics that needed to work out in a certain way for me to take the job and those specifics were actually pretty unlikely to happen).
Then, I had my first conversation with Jay where I shared everything I was struggling through - including the work stuff and the guy situation. And, that's when, among lots of other things, he challenged me that I was in no position or mindframe to be making drastic changes (including the potential work position) until I was reconnected with Jesus.
The very next day after that conversation, I was actually offered exactly the job I wanted it (even though it had seemed so unlikey and impossible). I turned it down. I apologized for being so fickle but explained that I was having a bit of personal crisis and needed some time to figure some stuff out before I made major changes. It was truly one of those key moments when I made the right decision while every single part of me didn't want to make the right decision....
That was about four weeks ago...and since then, I've been trying to figure out so much about so many things, including what in the world I wanted to do with my life. And, adding to the stress was that I knew that our company's annual "alignment session" (where everyone makes goals for the upcoming year) was scheduled for yesterday. I felt like I needed to have some answers about my life before I could approach the alignment session and come away from it with any sort of direction.
Well, somewhere along the line in the past few weeks, as I've been really seeking the Lord about how I'd serve at my church, I realized that I'd believed (for nearly my entire life) that ultimately, I was only ever really "supposed to" or called to work at a church or ministry. That I couldn't seek out work or want to succeed in any other type of profession outside of a church or ministry. I don't think that anyone had ever told me that was true...I had just decided and believed it.
And, in just the last week, as I worked through the specifics of how I'd serve at my church, something broke and changed in me...and I finally realized and believed that I don't actually have to ultimately work at a church or a ministry. I've had lots of people tell me that I didn't at different points in my life...but somehow, it wasn't until this week that I finally believed it.
Since that point, I've felt the freedom to explore other jobs...or more specifically, to actually transition to another role at my company (since I really love working there and really believe in what they're about) where I'd be able to use more of my skills and contribute to project work. Of course, I can't work with that "one person" mentioned above....and luckily, they've already filled that position with someone else (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little disappointed though). So, even though I've felt freedom to explore another position, I've also felt a little stuck since there are a limited number of positions at my company for people who are not landscape architects or urban planners.
Also, Thursday afternoon, in preparation for the alignment session, we watched a video series called "Trombone Player Wanted" which is all about playing/working to your strengths (the things that fulfill and empower you rather than simply the things you're good at). And, it was super validating and exciting based on all I'd been processing, telling Jay and realizing about work.
Well...after all that, you're caught up until yesterday. Sorry for all the background but none of what happened yesterday would make sense without all of it.
Yesterday, my boss (and friend) S and I happened to be on the same bus to work. So, we were chit-chatting and I mentioned that I had talked to my pastor and was starting to figure out some stuff about my life (she's been aware of all I've been processing), how inspiring "Trombone Player Wanted" was for me and the whole idea that I'd just realized I'm not destined to have to work at a church...and how, that all gives me vision and excitement to really plug into something new at work.
Then, we walked into the alignment session and went through our day. During the session, there was time to brainstorm goals for the year and two breakout sessions with different mixes of people to give and receive feedback on each other's goals. By the end of the brainstorming and breakout sessions, I had four goals written but I wasn't super passionate about them. And, the feedback I'd recieved from others wasn't all that exciting.
So, at the very end of the day, I asked my boss S to give me some feedback and it was SO GREAT! She looked at the goals I'd written down and said they were really flat...especially in light of our conversation earlier that morning...and asked me if I was excited about them. I sure wasn't...so she helped me formulate them to be things that I could really be passionate about. She kept saying how I'd mentioned that I knew there was a higher purpose to my job than simply answering phones and managing the office and that I needed to encapsulate that into my goals. Then, she somehow figured out a way to do it - to fit my love and passion for people (and ultimately, mentoring and counseling) into my job as the receptionist and office manager. By the time I left, I had real vision and passion for my role...and how to expand it in ways that will give me opportunities to pour into the people I work with (without putting a counselor's couch behind my desk! :) ) and to engage in and contribute to project work in the office. I left the session so jazzed and ready to jump into these new things that minute!
I guess I just gave you a TON of details to simply explain that things are lining up at work as well. I feel like I'm about to enter into a new season professionally...that I have the freedom (both from God and from my employers) to do exactly what I desire to do. And, not only what I desire to do but what's needed and vital for the office I work in.
At one point yesterday, someone mentioned that I was the glue that held the office together...and while it was flattering (I mean, I AM glad that what I do is noticed and appreciated by others), it was meant in reference to the administrative tasks I do and I think that (as cheesy as this is about to sound), I want to be the glue that holds the office together relationally...that not only will I do the administrative tasks I need to but I'd really like to help keep people mentally, psychologically and spiritually held together too....And, it's just crazy that I'm getting the chance to do that.
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