Equating Value

That silly cold turkey situation tapped into more than I realized. Believe it or not, I was upset and in a sort of fog for about three days...I just wasn't myself and I couldn't have explained what was going on. I had no idea.

Sunday morning, I was part of the worship team. I actually led one of the songs. And, let me tell you, I couldn't even connect in worship. I wasn't mad at God. That wasn't it. I just was so out of it...so much in a fog, that I couldn't really engage in worshiping the Lord. I wasn't playing the right chords on the keyboard; I wasn't singing well; I wasn't focused at all.

Since we have two services each Sunday morning now, I don't typically sit in to listen to the sermon for both services. Usually for the first service, the entire worship team goes to Starbucks....but this time, I didn't do it. I hid in a hallway somewhere and just read my Bible and prayed. And, it was a great time with the Lord. But, when we went back on stage to sing the last song to close out the first service, I was still in that fog. It wouldn't lift.

I asked two of the folks on the worship team to pray for me before the second service was set to begin. I asked them to pray that the fog would lift. That's all I said. But, as they prayed, both prayed things about how much the Lord loves me, that I would know that I'm His little girl before all else, that all the lists in my head and the things I need to do for others would just be silenced in my head and that I'd just rest in knowing I'm loved by Jesus.

Such simple and yet profound things to pray. I was totally crying as they were praying for me. And, then at the end, one of them said, "You do know that the Lord's really proud of you, don't you?"

My answer: "Most of the time....."

And, that's when it hit me. That stupid situation with the cold turkey just brought to life a deep wounding in me that the Lord wanted to free me of. That I still somehow equate my value as a person, as a daughter of God, with my performance in life.

So....rather than simply being disappointed that the turkey was cold, I somehow decided that I was a disappointment, that I was a failure. And, that entire weekend, I rehearsed the ways that I felt like a failure...because I "ruined" the work potluck, because I'm still in debt after the Lord's been so faithful and brought such provision, because I'm still attracted to that guy at work when I know that nothing can and will happen between us...the list can go on and on.

For years, my assistant pastor has been telling me that I have "performance bent" and I've gotten so frustrated with him...simply because I have always felt that I worked so hard and have been willing to do so much solely because I enjoy serving and working hard...because I enjoy blessing others and helping out whenever/wherever I can. I never felt like I was doing all those things just to show off and perform. But, recently, as I've been reading Transforming the Inner Man by John Loren and Paula Sanford for my VLI counseling internship, I've realized that it wasn't performing to "show off" but to gain approval. I probably already knew that about myself...but I've been seeing it more clearly lately. And, I really feel like the Lord's trying to free me of that lie. That He is striving to free me from thinking that I don't have value unless I'm really perfect and successful.

And, as silly as it sounds, I think that He used the stupid cold turkey thing to bring some of those lies to a head so that He could free me.

I pray that I will be free of this soon....that I will someday soon live and believe that my value does not lie in how good, successful, faithful, etc I am...but simply because I'm His Child.