Disconcerting freedom...

This was actually written over a week ago....but the hecticness of holiday travel has kept me from being able to refine and post until now....it's still not as refined as I'd like...but I have lots to post in the coming days and I don't want to be bogged down with something from a week ago when there are new things to say.....

It's very fun to finally be finding myself...being silly, being fun, having freedom....but it's also really disconcerting.

Having been a perfectionist for most of my life, having everything in my life clearly deliniated black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, this new place of freedom is a little confusing for me.

I feel like a fish out of water. I can't figure out what's actually just freedom and my learning how to live and what's still not good, wise or healthy. Some of the things I thought were bad aren't. Some of the things I thought were wrong aren't. Some of the things I thought were good aren't.


I'm just lost.


I feel rebellious and sinful. But, when I go to the Lord about these things, I'm not getting convicted or anything.


But, then again, I'm not getting anything.


My emotions are all off. My radar is all off. But, I can see God working through me for others. I can sense His taking care of me. In my quiet time each morning, He's speaking to me through the scriptures I'm reading. But, I still feel like He's super far away. I'm not connecting emotionally.


And, though I know it's not true, what it feels like - based on my performance bent - is that because my formerly distinctly drawn black and white lines are now a little blurry, that I'm in sin and that's why I can't connect emotionally with Jesus. That's why He's not around.


But, I know that's not true. But is sure does feel that way.


It's super disconcerting to be in this place of freedom. I'm less sure of anything than I've ever been before. And, yet, it is nice to be able to be myself, to admit my shortcomings, to not always have to be perfect, to know that I'm loved despite my imperfections and mistakes, to laugh and be silly more than I ever have before....


I don't know...this is good but weird too.