Learning....

Although I love my family dearly and was very excited to see everyone back east, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't concerned at all about going....for some reason, no matter how healthy a family, Christmas brings out weird things in people...and my family is no different. Days before I headed to NYC, the drama was already brewing...and none of it had anything to do with me. Yet, involuntarily, I was informed and involved in what was going on.

So, like I said, I was a little concerned. And, after I felt the emotions associated with all the drama, I decided on a course of action and simply prayed that the Lord would protect me from getting caught up in everything...and moreso, that He would give me eyes to see the pain behind people's actions...and I'd have grace to love everyone for who they are, not necessarily what they say or do....and realize nothing is done maliciously or towards me personally.

And, truly, He did. My trip was fantastic. For the most part, I didn't get dragged into the chaos and drama. I spent lots of time with my sisters, really engaged with my step-sister for maybe the first real time in our history (I feel like I can really call her a sister, rather than a random girl who happens to be in my family), hung out my brothers (who are growing up so fast and into such great men), had really wonderful time with my dad, great conversation with my sister and driving buddy through the hours we were in the car and got to see nearly everyone in my extended family. It really was a great trip.

Until the very last day. I totally got creamed...when my guard was completely down. Things had gone so well for the entire week - I'd escaped any drama and tough conversations the entire time - that I really thought things would be fine for the last six hours of my trip. My sister and I had even talked in the car that morning about how great the trip was and all that we were learning - to both accept and love everyone in our family for who they were...not who we think they should be or what they did/didn't do and to realize how most negative things that transpire in our family aren't directed personally at us....but just as a result of pain in others' lives. But, when I got to the house that morning, I was creamed. And, everything I'd just testified to my sister in the car went out the window....While I didn't get into any arguments with anyone...I was just simply devastated by what happened...so sad and so hurt...and lost sight of the fact that the things that happened weren't personally directed at me...but just the result of others' pain.

And for the past week, those few hours out-weighed all the good that happened during the rest of the entire trip. I was so hurt that bitterness crept in quietly but fully. And, I found my response this time being the same as it had always been in the past....to just decide to pull back from my family even more and write them off. On the one hand, my thinking was "ah, that's just who they are....whatever...don't take it personally...just let it all go" and on the other hand, "that's why I don't interact more than I do with them....I don't need this nonsense..."

But, over the last week, the Lord's really been pressing into me how wrong both of those responses are. That I shouldn't take it personally but shouldn't let it go either....and that I shouldn't write them all off and pull back from them but not go on with them without saying something. So, today, I addressed what happened last week with my family. I've yet to receive a response...but, this is progress for me: to actually even address the issues rather than just "letting it go" (when in reality, the hurt would be harbored in my heart), to actually believe that I and my feelings are important enough to share with someone else when I've been hurt by them, and to be able to honestly address issues with them while at the same time not equating their value and place in my life by what transpired.

This is all such elementary stuff....but big for me, nonetheless. I'm learning.....