I don't know if this story is getting much publicity outside of Denver....but some of you may remember back in early December, the story of a young guy (Matthew Murray) who went on a shooting spree at a Youth With a Mission (YWAM) base in Denver and at New Life Church in Colorado Springs - killing four others before ultimately taking his own life.
Yesterday, the Colorado Springs police department released their 450-page report about the shootings and included in the report was a copy of a letter found on the seat of his car, that he'd apparently written to God.
The letter is simply devastating to me on about a million levels. You can see it here.
He's asking so many questions. He's clearly so confused. So broken. So wounded. In some ways, so wrong. And, in some ways, so right.
He has desperate cries for help - asking Jesus to reveal Himself to him, to answer questions, to interact in a way that Murray can sense.
He has correct assessments of what some Christians are like - hypocritical, confused, judgmental.
He shows anger, desperation....an awareness that something's wrong, at attempt (at least nominally from what we can see) to go to God for Him to help.
Like I said, reading his letter is devastating to me. What happened to this guy to wound him so badly? What happened to cause him to want to wound others so badly and to even kill them? How did he miss - being raised to believe the very things I do about Jesus and running in the very same types of circles (I didn't know him....but know people who knew him....) - the truth of who Jesus is? How did he let others' representation of who Jesus is skew his own knowledge of who Jesus is? And, how did he miss the ways that Jesus was speaking to him...and (I'm sure) answering the very questions he asks in his letter?
And, the last questions it forces me to ask are:
- How can I (at least as far as it depends on me) keep others around me from misunderstanding who Jesus really is?
- How can I be sure that I'm not incorrectly attributing characteristics of the people around me onto God?
It's one more thing - just like yesterdays's post - that causes me to pause, re-assess my own thoughts, actions and words; pray like crazy, cling to Jesus above all; and be careful to (try to) live an honest, humble, transparent life.
It's just feels really heavy - the honor and responsibility we have to represent Jesus and His Kingdom with truth...and how our own personal brokeness can/does skew how we respresent Him. (Not that it ALL depends on us...but He has chosen to use us as his amabassadors.)
Hmmmm.
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