New Day....Same Issue

There are days when I'm completely content and satisfied in my singleness.

There are other days when I'm no where in the ballpark of content.

This week has held many of those days - being no where even near the driveway to the parking lot of the ballpark.

I get so sick of this struggle. So sick of feeling loneliness grip me to the point of physical pain (ironic, isn't it, considering I have more friends and commitments than I can keep up with?). And, often, when I'm like this, I start to think I'm pathetic for feeling this way. And, then, I get irritated with myself. So, loneliness leads to irritation. That's very healthy and productive, don't you think?

I know that it's all normal...that desiring to have a family of my own...to be married....to be loved and known and cherished and pursued and cared for and considered special above all others to just one person...is all normal. And, that's great. But, I'm just sick of having these normal longings that haven't been satisfied yet.

And, I know that Jesus and the community around me can (and should) satisfy these longings until (and even after) there's a man in my life. And, I know that having that man in my life won't actually satisfy these longings to their full measure and that being married won't be easy and will bring along its own fair share of pain, difficulty and struggle. I know all that.

And, I also know that for me, the pain is a little deeper or more prevalent because my mom's not in my life...as lame as that may seem to some....and no, I'm not looking for a guy to fill my "mother needs" but more I just am a little more needy than others may be.

But the longing is here. And, not really going away...even if it occasionally goes a bit below the surface for a while or if I try to ignore or reason it away

All the crazy self-pittying thoughts start to surface: "why am I still alone at nearly 30?" "what's wrong with me that I've only ever had one boyfriend - and that was a disfunctional relationship?" "why do guys show some interest and then completely back off?" "Why do I feel like I'm too much to handle and not enough to please someone all at once?" "Why do people who are so less together than I am get to be in a relationship or married? What's wrong with me?"

In all truth, I'm glad that I don't have a trail of broken relationships behind me. I'm thrilled that I've not given pieces of my heart to numerous guys. The pain from one broken relationship was enough to last a lifetime.... I'm ecstatic that I've had all this time to work on my personal crap before dragging a guy into it all. I like that I'm a strong, accomplished, mature, responsible, emotional, intelligent, needy, complicated, etc....and I don't want to be with a guy who can't handle all of those things about me.

And, Jesus is really kind in the midst of this. He listens to me whine, gripe, cry and question. And, He just loves me. He shows me that He hears me and that, ultimately, I can trust Him with my heart...and that He will bring the right guy at the right time.

Last night as I was struggling so much, I heard a song I'd not heard for a long time...and it spoke directly to where I was at:

I have to believe, That He sees my darkness
I have to believe, He knows my pain
I have to lift up My hands to worship, Worship His name

I have to declare, That He is my refuge
I have to deny, That I am alone
I have to lift up, My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

chorus:
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains, He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall, When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong, When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I have to sing praise, When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains, That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven and made me whole
-Rita Springer "I Have to Believe"

It's all just the same issue....new day.....maybe one day it'll just be a new day....and a different issue....?