Dichotomy

I think I have these posts every once in the while.....but, here we go again....

Two years ago, I was in counseling....and those eight months with Angie did so much for me. Things that now seem so normal and commonplace - in the way I think, live, act, feel - were absolutely LIFE-ALTERING as we worked through them. And, today, as I write this, there are two distinct things she said that are ringing through in my mind right now:

1. It is possible to be exceedingly happy and fulfilled while at the same time sad, discontent and longing.
2. What does it look like for me to recognize that I am fully my own entity...fully alone and my own being - even whilst having a great family and friends? What does it look like for me to recognize that I'm no longer an everyday part of the family I grew up in? And to recognize that I'm not yet a part of the relationship/family I will have one day?

In that vein, there are so many great and exciting things happening in my life right now. Things I'd never have expected to get to be a part of. Church-planting, pastoring, reaching out and building relationships with those who don't know Jesus, mentoring a little girl through Big Brothers Big Sisters, owning my own house (and being able to pay for it without a roommate), having a great job, seeing all sorts of amazing healing in my own life and in the lives of my family....the list could go on and on.

But, for the past few days specifically, I'm finally (yes, finally, two years after she stated and pushed me on point #2 above), realizing how truly I am alone. I have a very, very full life. I am blessed to have a lot of friends. I have a family that loves me. I have a ton of ministry opportunity and authority. I have a God that loves me desperately.

Yet, when it comes down to it, my life is segmented into a lot of pieces and there isn't one person who is involved in/with all the different parts that I am. I live my life alone. Just me and Jesus. I go through most of my life interacting with people, having experiences and carrying ministry situations all by myself. The other day, I had a couple hours with a friend who's equal with me in ministry and it was so nice to just share some of the things I've been carrying with someone...not even painful or hard things...just things. And, even in talking to her, as great as it was, it made me that much more hungry for a spouse - simply in hearing her talk about how she and her spouse have been processing things.

There are all sorts of truth and rationalizations that could be inserted at this point in a post. And, while I'm aware of those and while they exist as the backbone to what I'm writing here, it's still truth that I'm alone. I'm not depressed about it as much as I'm just aware of it.

I need to integrate my life more - bring the friends from various parts of my life into one place. I know that. But, it's also more than that....

I want someone to share life with....not just tell about it.
I want someone to share and carry ministry issues and people with.
I want someone to share the little, silly, everyday, nearly meaningless and mundane with.
I want someone to be captivated by me.
I want someone to pursue me....to pursue the things I'm interested in and about with me.
I want to not be alone anymore.

I know God has a good plan. I don't want to rush His plan. I'm not willing to make things happen on my own...though I could. I know He's said to wait. I know He's said that the right person will find me. I know He's promised me a spouse. I trust Him with all of it. But, today... today...I'm just weary of waiting and of carrying it all myself.

Even spending time with my "little" Angelica last night - it was SO FABULOUS. But, I wish there was someone who was actually interested in the ongoing nuts and bolts of that developing relationship - more than interested....involved.

I am not sure I'm explaining this very well....for once, it's not that I'm just desperate to be in a relationship for relationship's sake. I'm not just lonely. I'm just ready to share my life and carry things with someone....I'm longing for physical person to show enough interest and care for me and my life to be a part of it. I LOVE caring for others, giving out to others, pouring into others, listening to others. I'm just ready for one person to do that for me at a deeper level than I'm currently experiencing.....