The Unimaginable

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It was a Tuesday morning. I woke up late for work and thus resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to drive that day (I typically take the bus to work). I rushed around the house and then ran out the door mere minutes before I was due to be in my office.

To bypass one of the most annoying stoplights on my commute, I took back streets. Bad decision - especially since it was raining. I was stopped at a stop sign, looked both ways, inched out a bit past the intersection, stopped again, looked again and pulled out onto the busy main street.

And that's when it happened. A middle-aged woman (who seemed to be a transient refugee or immigrant) ran out in front of me. Truth be told, I totally didn't see her. It wasn't until after impact that I saw her. I absolutey have no idea where she came from. She had run out in front of my car (which was well past the intersection and the corner) rather than going behind my car (since I was already in active motion when she stepped off the curb) to run across the street - I can only imagine she did this to get out of the rain and across the street as quickly as possible.

There are no words to adequately express the emotions I felt at that moment. I jumped out of the car; in front of me, the lady was laying on the street, moaning and screaming and not responding to my questions and concerns.

Everything then became a blur of activity. I was standing in the rain, in shock, crying, trying to figure out what to do. A firetruck, ambulance and multiple police cars arrived. Witnesses who'd been driving by when it happened stopped and tried to talk to me. Someone held an umbrella over me. Paramedics were asking if I was okay. Witnesses were writing down their phone numbers and telling me they saw the whole thing and it wasn't my fault. And, all I can hear is that poor woman crying and moaning on the ground. Shame, panic, shock, fear, desperation and disblief overwhelmed me.

She was lifted from the ground and taken away in an ambulance. One of the policemen asked me to get into the back of his car (only to get out of the rain while I wrote down my statement) and still, all I could do was cry. Sob really. I sent out a mass text to some close family and friends. Called my boss. And, sat in the police car sobbing...trying to write down my statement.

What's crazy about a moment like that is that you have so much adrenaline pumping through your veins that while you're overcome with so many emotions, you're suddenly also acutely aware of everything. Plagued with anxiety, remorse, shame and fear, I was trying to recreate what had happened for that police report...but was acutely aware that whatever I wrote (and didn't write) and how I wrote it would affect me later. I had to remember everything and write it in a way that accurately described the situation without unwittingly implicating myself for something that (even at that moment) I knew wasn't my fault. And, still, even in the midst of that, I couldn't get the questions out of my head - "How was the lady doing? Was she going to be okay?"

The police officer (whose car I was in) was quite possibly the nicest person I'd ever met - so compassionate, so kind, answering all of my ridiculous questions (I distinctly remember asking at one point if I was going to jail that day or at all), putting up with my non-stop tears. I waited in the back of his car for what felt like an eternity (I had to wait for the traffic investigator to come and assess the scene, ask questions, interview witnesses, etc before they could all decide if I should get a ticket and, if so, for what.). In the end, I did end up getting a ticket for careless driving - one of the witnesses said that the pedestrian had indeed stepped off of the curb before I pulled away.

I was finally able to go - being told that I'd have to go to court in a few weeks to sort out the ticket. (And, having heard that the pedestrian was going to be okay...she was alive, had no life-threatening or even major injuries and they'd probably release her in a few hours.) I left in a daze (with the kind police officer driving behind me until I got home - I'm sure I was such a basket case in the moment that he didn't know if I'd be able to make it the three blocks back to my house). I called into work, called my insurance company, called some family and proceeded to cry for probably the rest of the entire day. It was all so scary, confusing and awful.

I felt such shame (I'm a good driver! I care about people! I just hit a person! These things don't happen to me!). I felt such anger (Why'd she run out in front of me when I'd already pulled away from the intersection?!). I felt such confusion (God, why didn't you protect me?! Why'd You allow this to happen? I'm a good person, I'm an upstanding person. Seriously, I try to be so faithful to You - how could You let this happen?)

Those and many other questions rattled around in my brain for weeks. But, I finally worked it out in my head that it'd be all right - that I'd get out of the ticket (esp since the lady was okay) and it'd all be over.

Little did I know.