Paradox

I'm finding that the more "freed-up" I get in Jesus - the more He heals in me and the more freedom He brings into my life - the more private a person I am becoming. It seems a bit paradoxical, I suppose.

And yet, I think it's that I'm finally becoming more in tune to my emotions and feelings...more aware of them from the depths of me...and as a result, I'm more unwilling to share them with just anyone. It's as if I've uncovered their true worth - my true worth, I guess - and realize just how precious these things are and I'm unwilling to have them tainted by people who don't understand their/my value. It makes me think of that verse about not casting your pearls before swine (though I may be taking it slightly out of context and though I don't think that the people in my life are swine...).

Part of it is that I'm just more at rest...since I feel so grounded in Jesus and know in my guts how He sees and values me, I'm less desperate to share everything with everyone just to get some sort of validation from someone.

Yet, it's not that I'm unwilling to share my heart with people period. I'm not closed off with the entire world...it's just a matter of being more selective with whom I share my heart and inmost feelings and dreams. It feels so different, so much more healthy, so must more peaceful.

But, at the same time, it's an odd place to be...I find that I'm suddenly scared of some of the things that I've been dreaming of for most of my life. Maybe "scared" is the wrong word - it's just that I'm more timid, not so much in a rush and that much more aware of the truth, depth of meaning and reality of the things I've been seeking. They seem that much more precious and intimate...and thus, that much more risky.

My entire life I've longed to be married, to have a family and to prove to myself (though I would have said "prove to the world") that the love and health of relationship I knew was out there was, in fact, out there. Yet, now that I'm at a healthier place in my life than I've ever been and while I can finally receive love in a real and healthy way, I'm that much more cautious of it. Because it's so intimate.

I see it modeled before me in such tangible ways - it's like my eyes have been opened to understand what a relationship and family can really be through so many of the relationships right before my eyes. Relationships that have always been there...I'm seeing through new eyes of understanding. And the reality that the things I've dreamed of are, in fact, possible, brings me both great joy and a sense of overwhemling caution.

Now before some of you start reading into this too much and thinking that I might be on the brink of or in the middle of a new relationship, let me just dispell that one quickly. There's no one in my life nor is there the possibility of anyone in my life. That horizon may be more bleak than it's ever been. But, rather than being dispondant, I'm actually really at peace with it. I'm not so much in a rush or so desperate for a relationship.

And, yet, Jesus is opening my eyes to really see things as they are - the beauty that is relationship as He created and intended it to be. In addition, I no longer have the romanticized notion of what a relationship will be - I'm probably more fully aware of the difficulty of relationship than I've ever let myself acknowledge before...but, I'm also more fully aware of the blessing it is.

I know Jesus is doing something in me through all this...possibly preparing me for my own someday...

It's all just so huge, though...this whole thing...and I'm just chewing on the paradoxes that (a) I'm more emotionally free than I've ever been and yet more cautious and (b) more content than I've ever been in my singleness and yet seeing more of what true love and relationship are. Weird.