Pressurized

A week from tomorrow I'll be flying over the Atlantic Ocean on my way to Italy (I keep thinking I leave Thursday but I actually leave Wednesday....). Can you believe it's come so quickly?!?!!?

Anyway, I'm still super excited and overwhelmed that I actually get to take this trip. But, if I'm honest, right now I'm more stressed and under pressure (of my own making) than I am excited.

Basically, it's financial pressure. This is just a tough month for me - I don't have a roommate to help with my mortgage (thanks be to God that I had some overtime last month so I was actually able to pay the mortgage with no problem this month) and I have no idea when I'll have a roommate (I'm trying to find one but just haven't yet....). And, VLI tuition (for next quarter) is due very soon.

I am getting a bonus from work soon that would actually take care of both of those items - if I didn't have a little thing called my trip to Italy.

So, I'm kicking myself for booking this frivolous (in my mind) trip when I have these expenses - and knew about them well before I booked my flight - even though I knew because I knew because I knew that it was "right" to book the tickets when I did. I have no idea how I'm going to pay the mortgage next month and am weighing whether I should take a quarter off from VLI. I just don't know....

And, I think that if my tickets weren't non-refundable, I'd probably just cancel my trip so that I could use that bonus money for the mortgage and VLI. But, I can't....and I know that I'm going to be okay while I'm IN Italy....all of those things are taken care of....and I fully plan to enjoy my time there and not be scrimping at every turn. BUT, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about what will happen when I get back to the States.

I've been praying about all this but haven't gotten any concrete solutions yet. And, last night, I was meeting with Danielle (the women's ministry coordinator, my pastor's wife and my friend) about women's ministry stuff. Basically, I was supposed to be talking to/counseling her on women's ministry stuff and, while we did talk about that a bit, she ended up counseling me more than I did her.

I shared a bit about the money pressure and how it's taking away my excitement about the trip....and, though she said a lot of great things, two things stuck out: 1) she doesn't see me as a frivolous person so what's wrong with taking a vacation - especially when it's a once in a lifetime opportunity like this is? and 2) why do I find it hard to believe that God would want me to enjoy this trip?

Basically, I left realizing that I have this ridiculous and unhealthy view of being "responsible," of what's "responsible" and what's "frivolous." And, somehow, there's this thing in me that I'm going to be punished somehow for making what could appear as a bad financial decision. That I've been doing so well and getting out of debt and here I am taking a few steps backward.

What is it in me that thinks that it's not okay to go on vacation or to have a good time or that I'm going to be punished or penalized or something? And, why do I always feel like I don't have enough money and that the onus is on me to take care of everything? Why am I feeling anxious about this trip rather than really embracing it for the once-in-a-lifetime gift that it is - to get to see a country that I've desperately wanted to see and to get to spend it with one of my dearest friends on the planet before life takes her to live in another part of the world?