Wow...it's been two weeks since I've written. Has it ever been that long before?
Much to say and then not so much. Am I becoming more withdrawn or just more selective in what I say and to whom? Pick a day and I'd probably have a different answer.
So, last week I went back to East to spend some time on the beach with my family
. Overall, it was really great to see everyone (especially my ADORABLE nephew Damien - pictured here with one of my brothers) and nice to get some down time, and on the beach no less.
It was a little chaotic, though - since we went away with extended family and extended family's extended family. My conservative estimate is that there was somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 people. I'm not joking. And, I'd not met most of them before this weekend. It was fun....but in some ways, not so much what I was expecting.
I think I was looking for a low key, fun opportunity to connect with my parents, brothers, sisters and nephew. No one told me that it'd be low key...but I incorrectly assumed it'd be. But, everyone was going in a million directions and, though there was lots of down time, there wasn't much real connection time.
I left with a great tan and a great feeling of missing out. I watched my brothers (15, 17 and 18 yrs old respectively) run around and I realized that I don't know them. At all. There's no real basis for relationship due to our big age gap, the fact that I've lived away from the East Coast for nearly 10 years now and that I don't get back there for more than 10 days a year. Plus, I'm missing out on my nephew's life - I've only seen him twice since he was born. I have no doubt that I live where I'm supposed to...but it was hard to realize afresh that I'm a small part of a big family. I miss them and being an everyday part of things...and yet, I can firmly and confidently say that I wouldn't be happy on the East Coast.
As much as I miss them, this trip helped me have another fresh realization - I hate the East Coast. It's too intense, loud, overbearing and overwhelming. In the 10 years since I moved away, I've definitely become more laid back, easy-going and slower-paced. Though I'm intense, I'm much calmer than I used to be. And, being back East, around all that fast-paced intensity exhausts and annoys me.
So, I got back to Denver last week, glad to be back and yet feeling a larger hole in myself than I've felt for a while. A huge sense of emptiness and loneliness.
I'm not sure what will fill the hole in me....I don't think having my family here with me in Denver would do the trick. I know that having a spouse wouldn't really do it...not for long, at any rate. It's a gnawing hole that's been gnawing for years...yet I don't think I've been so aware of it before now. I have a million people around me all the time - people who are great friends and with whom I'm living life and doing ministry. Yet, I still feel alone, unknown, uncared for and unseen at my core.
And, that's annoying. I'm sick of saying the same things, feeling the same ways, hurting in the ways that I do, crying myself to sleep and doubting or denying people's words to/about me.
Where does it come from? I know it's just part of the transition of my new role at my church. And, it's also from not having an active mother in my life. I know that's the beginning of this. But, I also know it's lies I've chosen to believe as a result of not having her around. Things I've chosen to believe about myself as a result. And, now, I know that Jesus is bringing up ut all in the level of intensity I feel it so that He can free me of it. So that the effects of this wouldn't be so kovert and pervasive. But, it sucks. Plain and simple. I'm ready for the day that I'm free of this pain.
But I'm also thankful to Jesus that He loves me enough to free me and hopeful for the day that this pain is a distant memory. I'm excited for the day that I get to testify again of God's goodness, kindness, love and mercy in my life.
Much to say and then not so much. Am I becoming more withdrawn or just more selective in what I say and to whom? Pick a day and I'd probably have a different answer.
So, last week I went back to East to spend some time on the beach with my family
. Overall, it was really great to see everyone (especially my ADORABLE nephew Damien - pictured here with one of my brothers) and nice to get some down time, and on the beach no less.
It was a little chaotic, though - since we went away with extended family and extended family's extended family. My conservative estimate is that there was somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 people. I'm not joking. And, I'd not met most of them before this weekend. It was fun....but in some ways, not so much what I was expecting.I think I was looking for a low key, fun opportunity to connect with my parents, brothers, sisters and nephew. No one told me that it'd be low key...but I incorrectly assumed it'd be. But, everyone was going in a million directions and, though there was lots of down time, there wasn't much real connection time.
I left with a great tan and a great feeling of missing out. I watched my brothers (15, 17 and 18 yrs old respectively) run around and I realized that I don't know them. At all. There's no real basis for relationship due to our big age gap, the fact that I've lived away from the East Coast for nearly 10 years now and that I don't get back there for more than 10 days a year. Plus, I'm missing out on my nephew's life - I've only seen him twice since he was born. I have no doubt that I live where I'm supposed to...but it was hard to realize afresh that I'm a small part of a big family. I miss them and being an everyday part of things...and yet, I can firmly and confidently say that I wouldn't be happy on the East Coast.
As much as I miss them, this trip helped me have another fresh realization - I hate the East Coast. It's too intense, loud, overbearing and overwhelming. In the 10 years since I moved away, I've definitely become more laid back, easy-going and slower-paced. Though I'm intense, I'm much calmer than I used to be. And, being back East, around all that fast-paced intensity exhausts and annoys me.
So, I got back to Denver last week, glad to be back and yet feeling a larger hole in myself than I've felt for a while. A huge sense of emptiness and loneliness.
I'm not sure what will fill the hole in me....I don't think having my family here with me in Denver would do the trick. I know that having a spouse wouldn't really do it...not for long, at any rate. It's a gnawing hole that's been gnawing for years...yet I don't think I've been so aware of it before now. I have a million people around me all the time - people who are great friends and with whom I'm living life and doing ministry. Yet, I still feel alone, unknown, uncared for and unseen at my core.
And, that's annoying. I'm sick of saying the same things, feeling the same ways, hurting in the ways that I do, crying myself to sleep and doubting or denying people's words to/about me.
Where does it come from? I know it's just part of the transition of my new role at my church. And, it's also from not having an active mother in my life. I know that's the beginning of this. But, I also know it's lies I've chosen to believe as a result of not having her around. Things I've chosen to believe about myself as a result. And, now, I know that Jesus is bringing up ut all in the level of intensity I feel it so that He can free me of it. So that the effects of this wouldn't be so kovert and pervasive. But, it sucks. Plain and simple. I'm ready for the day that I'm free of this pain.
But I'm also thankful to Jesus that He loves me enough to free me and hopeful for the day that this pain is a distant memory. I'm excited for the day that I get to testify again of God's goodness, kindness, love and mercy in my life.
2 comments:
Where on the East Coast did your travels take you?
Good ol' Wildwood, NJ! :) I remember always thinking/hearing (when we were in High School) that Wildwood was sort of the "white trashy" beach to go to, while Cape May and Long Beach Island were the classy places. So, I wasn't all that thrilled about going. But, much to my surprise, Wildwood's pretty decent now. The whole place is getting redeveloped and stuff. It wasn't too bad...though there was seriously an entire age group missing - ours! There were tons of teens and college kids and then lots of young families...but no one in their mid-late 20's/early 30's. Weird! :)
Hope you're well!
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