Letting Myself Be Human

Yesterday after church, I spent some time catching up with my dear, wonderful Michele. (I'm just so thankful for this woman - another person the Lord's graciously put in my life as a mother figure.) She's WONDERFUL.

As we were talking, I shared some painful things that I've been processing in my heart over the past month or so. She said a lot of fantastic things in regard to that specific situation....but one thing she said lead to something more broad that I haven't been able to ignore since.

It's something I already know about myself....but tend to overlook: that I don't allow myself to be human. I don't give myself permission to feel things that hurt and grieve them. That my logic kicks in and I know what I'm "supposed to be doing" and how I'm "supposed to be responding" so I get frustrated and angry at myself when I can't make my feelings match what I "logically" have grasped.

I did already know that about myself....but I forget it so often.

For instance, with that specific painful scenario, I keep trying to do and think the right things toward my friend and don't allow myself the luxury of grieving what we once had. Even yesterday, I was frustrated with myself that I was emotional when I briefly encountered that person who has misunderstood me so much....because in my head, I've forgiven this person and have total understanding and grace for where he/she's at....and in my warped thinking, if I've forgiven and if I understand...then, I should just be able to move on...to not have any more pain and grief about it.

I know that's not realistic. But, it's how I think. And, what I'm attempting to change in me.

So, yes, yesterday I was very, very sad...and honestly, scared...to encounter, though briefly and at a distance...someone whom I used to be so close to.

I just hate how relationships can change. How every friendship and every/any relationship is such a risk. That there are ones you hope and pray for that never end up working. Others that you'd never expect or look for that are better than you could have ever imagined. There are some that are amazingly perfect for only a season. Others that are awful from the onset.

It's such a risk to love deeply. But, at the same time, it's so rich to be able to love and to be loved that deeply. And, it's worth it to me...even now, even in the midst of grieving the loss of a very close friendship...it's still worth it to me. What's that famous quip...? "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." That's very true.....and even though my situation isn't a lost love or boyfriend....it is still really true for me.

So, even though the pain is real...even though I try to pretend it doesn't exist...it's all worth it. So, I'm going to try to be human and allow myself to grieve deeply since loving deeply is so rich...and you really can't have one without the other.