I've already mentioned that I had my review at work a few weeks ago. And, I've mentioned how I left completely confused and basically thrown for a loop because my reviewers said that I had to pick one area to focus on...that my goals for 2008 were unrealistic.
What I don't think I mentioned is how both of my reviewers said that I needed to come up with a vision for what I want to be doing. And, when my comment back was "I'm just not career-driven," T said "even the counseling thing is something in the right direction - you said if you ever went back to school, it'd be for counseling....just figure out how to make that work here if you want to stay here" and S said "Natalie, I know we've talked about this before - that you really want to be home with kids one day...so what can you do in the meantime?"
Well, T walked out of the room after he made his comment. He had to run to another meeting. But, S and I were able to talk a little longer. And my answer to her home-with-kids comment was, "You're right, I do want to be home with kids someday. But, that's not the only thing I'm about. I love music but realize I'll never be a big pop star, so I have an outlet for my music at church. And, I love mentoring and counseling people...which also, in part, is being fulfilled at church. And, I thought, would be filfilled here too. And, I also realize that there is no man or kids in my life right now...so I need to be about something right now. I do realize that."
She was encouraging as we kept talking...but I left that meeting so frustrated and confused because I felt like I had been told (weeks earlier) that one thing was possible and then, when I put the nuts and bolts of the plan together, I was told it actually wasn't possible. It was disappointing and disconcerting to say the least. And, I felt like I must have no direction and that something was wrong with me because I didn't have any vision for my life.
I've been praying about all this for the past few weeks....including what my church involvement should be. And, a few things have emerged.
First, the Lord reminded me that I DO have a vision for my life (and incidentally, re-reading this post actually gives me some insight into the post I wrote below). But, it's true - it doesn't actually include my current job itself. Vision for my life includes: marriage and kids, yes. But, also, being a foster parent, having a home with extra rooms for people who need to learn life skills and/or get back on their feet, writing/singing music that draw people closer to Jesus, maybe dabbling in real estate/house-flipping, and mentoring/counseling others (moreso a "life coach" than a counselor per se).
But, the reality is that I can't/won't do most of these things until I have a family and/or the capital (for the real estate piece). And neither of those factors is a reality right now.
Then, there's the church involvement thing. I've been learning/realizing some important things about myself that are (healthfully) effecting my involvement at church. I've realized that my role as a council member was meant to be an advisory role....one where I mentor, disciple and advise those leading the ministries...but that I'm not responsible to make things happen. I thought I was doing that...but have realized that I sure wasn't...that I was too involved in the nuts and bolts/day-to-day piece of these ministry areas. And, so, now that I've already backed down from the administrative side of running the entire council and now that I've realized (and living out) that I don't need to be so actively/constantly involved in the ministry areas that I oversee, it's given me the freedom and rest to say "no" to a whole lot more things while at the same time, saying "yes"to the things I really want to be about....people and music. Things overall are calming down and I actually have more time to spend with Jesus and with people and am also able to actually play my guitar and even dabble in (trying to) write some music.
So, it's working out...like it always does. And, I don't feel like I have to pick work over church or church over work. And, that's good. But, my struggle is to figure out how exactly I can really press into work, give it all I've got for this season of my life - without letting it become my life and cause me to lose sight of the bigger dreams and visions I have. I'm having lunch with the COO of my company tomorrow...he's a really great guy and a believer...so I'm hoping he can help me figure some of this stuff out....to help me move forward with stuff that's realistic and fulfilling without my getting bogged down or stuck in something more than I want.
Thanks for praying along with me in all of this. I'll keep you posted.....
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