What do I want to be when I grow up?

I really thought that all the questions about what I should be doing with my life - the work vs church thing - had been answered about a month ago. I shared things things in these two posts: here and here.

But, yesterday, I had my year-end review at work. And, in preparation for the review, I put together the goals I'd come up with at the alignment session last month with action steps on how I would accomplish those goals. I thought it was all put together well and really encapsulated my desire to stay in my current position, to assist in some ways with project work and really get to spend intentional time checking in on and pouring into staff.

During my review, my reviewers both said that as they read my goals and action steps, I seemed to be all over the place....that I needed to choose what I wanted to do and work to get there. One of them even said, "Natalie, you can't be wrestling with these questions at your mid-year reveiw. You have six months to figure this stuff out."Apparently, there wasn't a realistic way to do all the things I wanted to.

And, the truth is, I really have no idea what I want to do. There are some specific things I know I can't do, simply because I don't have the training. But, there are options for me. Yet, I'm hesitant.

I think the bigger problem for me isn't choosing a specific position at work- that's not really that big a deal. The problem is trying to figure out what I really like doing (I've finally really learned that just because I'm good at something, doesn't mean I have to do those things)....and not wanting to overcommit anywhere (I remember how crazy my life was when I worked at my last job....and I'm unwilling to do that again). I value people, simplicity and rest too much to make my life crazy. And, ever since my little breakdown a few months ago, I've been vigilant in building margins and saying no to unnecessary busyness.

If I take on a new position, I'll have more responsibility at work. That's fine - I'm not afraid of responsibility. But, at my job, more responsibility also means more hours at work...maybe not tons...but enough that will necessitate my cutting back from other stuff in my life if I want to remain sain.

And, even if my reviewers this week had said that my plan was completely realistic and possible, I've still already been feeling the desire to cut back more at church. The desire to step off the council hasn't disappeared. At our most-recent council meeting, our pastor asked us if we could all imagine being in the same position in five years...if we had vision to still be holding that role. And, I didn't even have to think about it - my answer was a resounding "NO." I haven't been able to shake the desire to pull back from the leadership side of things and to only spend my time on the worship team and counseling people (when that ministry area kicks off soon....). I've been feeling this way for months and, even though I'm reconnected to Jesus, those feelings haven't disappeared.

But, I feel guilty - am I being ungrateful for the honor and opportunities I've been given? Am I being irresponsible? Rebellious? Choosing the "world" instead of the church?

I really want to be doing only what the Lord wants me to do...and I am just not sure what that is....

This probably doesn't seem that big a deal for all of you reading this....but it is for me, even though I can't figure out why? What's holding me back? What's the big deal here?