Hard For Me

My birthday party was SOOOOO fun! My wonderful friends Ini and Becca threw me the party at a local little "lounge" - it was amazing. And so many people came. I was thoroughly overwhelmed. There were probably about 15 people from work and then maybe another 35-40 from church. It was CRAZY!


We were dancing and laughing and taking pictures and just having a blast all night!


Here are a few pictures:

Becca, Ini and Me

Cheryl and me

Robyn, Me, Heather, Meredith and Chrisy

Scott, Me, Steven and Scott

Like I said, it was wonderful. But, it was really hard for me. In a few ways....

First - my worlds collided...so church friends and work friends all in the same place. It wasn't anything like I expected....SO MUCH better. One of my co-workers said something like "these other people are your 'church' friends? They're SO MUCH FUN! I never would have put 'fun' and 'church people' in the same sentence." And, that made me so happy...that the worlds integrated so well. My friends from church were really so awesome at really talking with the work folks and integrating everyone. I'm so thankful for all these people.

Second - All the people who came really are so special to me. Every single one of them. But, I'm really used to being the person who's throwing the party or taking care of details or celebrating other people....so it was hard for me to be the center of attention. I wanted to just slip by...or sit in a corner somewhere and chat with people. Don't get me wrong - I had an absolute BLAST dancing and partying....but I just wanted to get to spend time with each of the people who came out rather than just being at the center of things all night...I didn't want to ignore any of the people who came...and I really wanted each person to know how much I appreciated and loved their being there. Plus, it was hard to be the one getting served, being sung to, etc etc. I know there are larger "problems" in the world...but this reallly was HARD for me!

Third - This one's tied to the one above....but, I felt so guilty and obligated to the people who threw the party. I don't know how to explain that one....but it's like I couldn't just accept their gift to me. I struggled that they were throwing it, that they were spending money on food, a cake and champagne. Something about not feeling like I was worth all this attention. And, then, later in the night, after the party was totally dying down, everyone who was left wanted to go to a piano bar to finish out the night....but one of the girls throwing the party didn't want to go...and it all got confusing and messy. And, rather than my just saying "you don't have to come....but I think we're all going to" I got all confused and felt like I couldn't leave her. I don't know.....I don't think I'm explaining this one well...but it totally jacked me up and spoiled how I saw the entire party.

That is, until my wise older sister reminded me how hard it is for me to accept being celebrated and how I always feel indebted to others and to make others happy. She reminded me of the day I graduated college - there was some crazy weather in Fort Wayne that day (I think a tornado even touched down in another part of the city) and my family was (justifiably) freaked out by it. But, I felt guilty that there was crazy weather and they were unsettled...GUILTY...and wasn't able to enjoy my own college graduation. It's all so silly...but it was true.

What is it in me that doesn't accept my own value and is (to a fault) always thinking about other people and their issues....even on days when things are supposed to be about me? (Agh...even writing that sentence was hard for me....)