Life is Wonderful

It's happened...I think it happens every time I declare how great things are and how content I am.

Every time I declare those things (and mean them with 100% of me at the time), things end up getting confusing and I'm discontent. Nice. But, I guess it just proves that I'm human and that life is life. It reminds me of Jason Mraz song I love "Life is Wonderful" (you can see a post I wrote about this song as well as it's lyrics here). The basic gyst of the song is that it takes the good and bad, easy and hard to make life go round.

So....it's nothing huge...really in the scheme of things, it's quite little - of which I'm made more and more aware as I interact with family and friends who have much more legitimate and difficult things to work through in their lives right now. But, my struggle goes back to a core issue for me - even if the trigger/surface issue is seemingly minor.

I feel silly even writing about it...but as this blog is such a great place for me to process (regardless of comments I receive/don't receive), here goes: a few weeks ago, I shared about this great new friend that I'd made at work, how much growth and change I've seen in myself through this friendship, and how nice it is to have a friend with no strings attached.

I guess it really was only a matter of time before I realized that, on some level, I am attached to him - not attracted to him...but attached to him. It's like I've really just come to enjoy him in my life - just like the Lord encouraged me to do a few weeks ago (I don't think I actually shared that piece here...). And, I think it is okay to enjoy his friendship....we've had so many good times together already - watching football together, going snow-tubing, hanging out, random conversation, my birthday party, etc.....

But, it's that attachment that scares me. Mainly because as I've grown to enjoy his place in my life, I'm afraid of its changing...which, inevitably, it will at some point.

And, all this started at the party on Saturday night. He was one of the first folks there and one of the last to leave. He was fun, outgoing, attentive, just his normal wonderful self. But, at one point, it was obvious that he was attracted to...or at least interested in....another girl at the party...they talked for a good portion of the night and she ended up driving him home.

And, though it's taken me a few days to figure out why that unsettled me, I've now realized it. It's not that I'm attracted to him or wish that he was interested in me in that way. It's just that - as silly as it sounds - I'm afraid of how our friendship will look and/or change if something does actually happen between them. And, it's actually a deeper, core issue/fear for me: that I'm only good enough until someone better comes along.

For most of my life, I've been "the" whatever until something or someone better comes along - with relationships, friendships, roles, opportunities, etc. I realize that part of that is just the truth of the world....there's always going to be someone better than me at something. But, it's more than that...it's some thing in my core that equates my value to that....that I'm of lesser value as a person if/when someone or something better comes along.

What's been so great about this particular friendship is how he's valued me and how important I feel to him even though it's not for a "relationship" per se. That, as amazing as he is, of all the people in the office, he's chosen to connect with me. I can't explain how special and wonderful that's made me feel in a super platonic way. And, truly, for all I know, nothing will happen between him and this girl and/or even if it does, nothing will change between him and me. I don't know...a lot of this is just my own fear. And, yes, if he's really as great as I think he is, then it won't be weird. But, it's just my fear and weirdness that's rising up.

The irony, of course, is that in my last post, I talked about how hard it is for me to be the center of attention and know that all those people had come to my birthday party to celebrate me. And, I guess, part of it is that I'm just all turned around....but part of it is really, that as hard as it is for me to accept the attention of such a large group of people, I like/need the really, deeper attention of one or two people....I don't need the world to like me, just one or two.

Hmmmm, writing on here today did help me out. Clarified a lot for me....because even last night I was still all confused about all of this...thinking that maybe I did want a relationship with him...or if not with him, with someone. Which also made me equally irritated (not that wanting a relationship would be wrong)....but that in just 48 hours I went from being completely content to completely needy and weird.

Agh....life is wonderful. Truly....it's the bumps, turns, hiccups, highs and lows that make things so great. That make life LIFE.