Something's definitely changed in me. The entire crux of my life...the entire focus and perspective has changed....or maybe, it's that it's gotten more finely-tuned and come into focus better. I don't know how exactly to define it...but it's just different.
My heart is just breaking for people....
Here are some of the situations I've encountered in just the past few weeks:
- A friend of mine shared that she found out her husband's been looking at porn on his computer. When she approached him, his response was "at least I'm being honest with you and not hiding it like all my other friends do with their wives/girlfriends." And, as she was sharing this stuff with me, her response was, "I know I should just be okay with it. I know all guys do it. I just need to get over it."
BUT, it hurts and makes her feel like she's not good enough for him. - Another friend told me that she has been secretly dating a mutual friend for the past month. They didn't tell anyone...and have been sleeping together. When she approached him to basically see where things were headed, his response was "I like you...but I don't know what I want...I'm not ready for a serious relationship.....yet, I don't just want to be f*** buddies either." She's at a point in her life that she'd like to settle down and have something real. He's definitely not there. And, as she shared that with me, she said two other things: that something similar had happened to her last year with another mutual friend of ours and that overall, she just needs to be okay with how it's turned out with each guy....that at least she didn't get more involved or attached....
BUT, she's heart-broken by both situations because she just wants to be loved, cherished and celebrated by someone. - I've met with two different women leaders in our church to mentor them for our leadership development class and, though their stories are vastly different from one another, they're both hurting....having had HORRIBLE things done to each of them by their families/parents when they were kids...and though they're both survivors and both getting through it, my heart just BROKE while I listened to their stories, heard about the effects those stories have had on them through their lives and heard the things they're still struggling with as a result.
I was overwhelmed with how tender Jesus' love is for both of them....and how hard it is for either woman to accept the love He is so freely offering them. - Another woman I've been mentoring for nearly a year is hitting the crisis moment I knew she'd have to hit if she is ever to get through the things in her life. Of all the stories I've shared in this post, hers is the one where the crisis is actually welcome to me. I might be a bit sedistic, but I'm actually glad things have gotten to this point for her...I've actually prayed that they would. But, at the same time, I'm just BROKEN with how truly blind she is to the issues and pain in her life...and how she's allowed that pain to affect the way she interacts with her husband...a man who absolutely adores her and has laid down everything for her. And, I just look at their situation and know that they're...really, she's...at a crossroads. Their choices in how they deal with what's in front of them right now will affect the entire course of their relationship and life. It's major stuff.
But, the real issue is that she has been beaten down in her past and has a warped view of God and of love....and until that's healed, nothing will change. Yet, she's so hard. And, I'm just broken for her...she's like a naive little girl....fragile and naive....trying to be so strong...and ignorantly fighting against the very One who can fix all of this for her.
And, for me, as I heard these stories or have been walking through these issues with each of these women, I haven't gotten angry at the husband or the boyfriend or the parents or the women themselves. I've just been devastatingly sad. It's like I've been able to see beyond their specific situations to see their hearts...to see how desperately Jesus loves them...to see how wounded their hearts have become because of these things. That situations like these have become so NORMAL and ACCEPTED in our culture (every guy struggles with porn and every woman just needs to deal with it, everyone sleeps together before they even know each other, women should totally just give themselves away to guys as soon as possible...that's how you get affection and acceptance...it's what guys "need", it's totally fine and acceptable for a guy to sleep with a woman without offering any sort of commitment or seeing her for the beautiful gift that she is and cherishing that, that more parents are abusive to their kids than are not, that we all need to be strong and have it all together and not admit or share our pain and brokenness, that husbands must fill every need that a woman has when only Jesus can do that, etc etc etc etc).
The fact that all of this is so damn normal in our culture is killing me. I cried all weekend for these situations....for these people whom I love so desperately.... I feel so in over my head....yet, I know that Jesus is sharing only a bit of what He feels for each of these people....and that He carries it for EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH.... I know that I'm actually not responsible for dealing with any of the issues. I'm only responsible to love them to the best of my ability and to point them to Jesus. But, it's just so intense...and I so desperately want them to know the freeing, true, fulfilling, complete love of Jesus to its fullest measure.
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