"Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours..." (Part 1)

"Heal my heart and make it clean,
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity..."
-the bridge of the Hillsongs United song "Hosanna"

When I started praying those words to be true in my life, I don't really think I had any idea what I was signing up for.

It's just been getting so intense lately. He's definitely answering my prayer. I'm starting to see people and their pain through the lens God must see it all...and it's heavy and heart-breaking. And, I'm starting to see people's need for Jesus in such an intense way....and I know many of these people don't even realize how much pain they're really in and how much they really need Him.

I've somehow always had an "in" with people - people have always been willing to share intimate details of their lives with me...to volunteer things without my even really asking (though I'm always open and interested to hear it). But, lately, even that's getting more intense. The things being shared are more personal...or at least more personal from people with whom I'm not really that close.

But, first, setting the backdrop: to begin this weekend, I was carrying some major - though minor - things happening in my family. My dad's back is really bothering him...to the point that he may have to stop working and go out on disability. That's a strange reality for me to face...my dad's Superman...always has been...so facing the reality that he is getting older is a little (or a lot) strange for me. (The blessing behind this is that my stepmother just passed her real estate licence exam...perfect timing if he really won't be able to work anymore). Yet, pair that with the fact that my 10-yr old niece is having some major behavioral issues....ones that until this morning, we weren't sure if they were chemical, emotional or a combination.... she was acting out and trying to harm people (including herself) to the point where my sister had to take her into the doctor. It looks like it'll all be okay and is linked to dietary stuff...but it's still an intense situation.

There's been so much drama/trauma in my family for my entire life that I think I've always been able to take in the details without actually feeling any of the emotions behind what was happening (or at least, I've compartmentalized them to deal with at a later time)...and this is the first time that I've really felt the reality of a situation or felt it without thinking that I had to personally do something to fix it. I've been able to empathize/sympathize with my family members without thinking that I had to get over-involved and/or fix it all myself. Very healthy.

So, that stuff's the backdrop....but, gosh, even as I start to think about what I want to share, I can just feel the heaviness weigh down on my heart. And, the truth is, on the surface, none of these things really are that big a deal. But, something's just switched with me....it's like I'm finally able to see and feel the effects of things on people's hearts...to see things that our culture has discounted as "normal" or "okay" and see it all like Jesus does...to see and feel the real effect this "seemingly normal" things have on people. And, it really does break my heart....