Last week, I had to navigate a tough pastoral issue. It's been happening more and more lately...so I shouldn't be surprised. But what IS surprising is the reason this latest situation was so gut-wrenchingly difficult.
I've been counseling a girl (J) on our worship team. She's a great girl and has overcome quite a difficult past - losing her mother in a car accident when she was only eight, living with an alcoholic father and a step-mother who came and went a bunch of times over the years and then being raped (and blamed for it by her then youth pastor) when she was just 18. She's dealt with some of this stuff...but really, not much of it. We've been talking about some of these issues and I (wisely, I may add) realized that, while I love her and am committed to her, I'm just not the right person to walk through this with her. She needs someone who's actually trained in this stuff...not just someone who loves her and is empathetic.
Before I could approach the situation with her - and suggest that she start seeing a real counselor though I would still be involved in her life, another leader at the church and someone who oversees J more directly than I do (K) had a discussion with J, telling her that she's not allowed to lead worship for our young adult services - effective immediately.
There are a lot of details that would probably make this more understandable to you, my reader....but I can't (and won't) share them. But, the reason this is all so difficult is that K didn't speak with me about it at all until the conversation had already happened. And, the manner in which she approached the situation has actually done more harm than good.
Supposedly K has been mentoring/pastoring J for the past 18 mos. In that time, K should have picked up enough insight into J to know how to speak with her in a way that J would hear her. K's heart is really FOR J....to really love her, walk her though stuff, care for her. K's intent was similar to mine - an acknowledgement of the pain and issues in J's life that need to be addressed. But, that's not at all what she communicated. Instead, the way she communicated was enough to cause J to hear: "I'm sorry but you're a failure, you're personally messed up and you've messed up in these specific areas and now you're not good enough to serve in this ministry area."
What she should have said was, "J, I love you, I know you've got some pain to walk though and I know you're trying. But, here are some areas that I still see as broken...and I think that it may be best for you to take some time off so that you can have the space to work through this stuff without the responsibility of leadership."
And, what makes it that much worse is that I have had to go in and attempt to clean up the situation...but K's words - instead of communicating her love and concern for J - has actually caused some of J's pain and woundings to go even deeper than they already were. AND, not only is J more wounded...but I had to support K and tell J that she's got to take time off of the main worship team too....all while validating J's pain, I had to support K and attempt to explain to J what K really meant.
Gut-wrenching.
There are a million and one things I want to say about all this....a million and one things I could say.
The truth is - K's motives were right. Her message was right. But, her method was dead wrong...doing FAR more harm than good.
When I think of Jesus, He's always been so gentle and kind in His way of dealing with the sin and broken areas of people's lives (the people who are genuinely seeking Him, anyway). And, it's that KINDNESS that leads them to repentance. I know it's been true in my life. I know it to be true in others' as well.
And, in this situation, what absolutely broke me is something J said to me during our conversation: "If K had been able to say what you just said to me, I would have felt loved and cared for...and I would have AGREED and OBEYED her request for me to step back from worship for a while. But instead, I don't trust her or her intentions toward me and I feel like I just got stabbed in the back."
Ouch.
When will we learn to truly love as Jesus loved...to speak truth in grace-filled ways...rather than to kill our own people and contradict the exact stuff we're trying to accomplish?
No comments:
Post a Comment