Trip Home, Part 3

This one's a little more complicated.....

I've briefly mentioned a few times about my totally platonic friend from work who doesn't know the Lord but through whom the Lord has done so much in my life. "S," as we'll call him, really is AMAZING. We've become better and better friends and I desperately love him as a little brother. I have so much faith that one day (even if it's years from now) he's going to come to know Jesus and follow Him passionately.

To make a long (and somewhat boring) story short - we are both from Pennsylvania (grew up only an hour apart from one another) and decided that it'd be fun to spend some time together while we were both back East (especially because I have very few friends left back there). As I don't have a car there, he offered to make the hour + drive to pick me up. He did, we went back to his parents' house, hung out with some of his high school friends (who, as an aside, amaze me since they've been out of school for years and live all over the country...yet are really super close still...talk about community) and he drove me home. It was great fun to put faces to names and stories I'd heard so much about. Yet, I left feeling really good about the fact that I have such a good, solid friend with whom there are no complicating emotional or romantic feelings. Especially since he told me that day that he had started getting a bit more serious about a girl he'd been seeing casually. Brilliant! We're safe....really just friends still.

Then, I got home and had both of my parents sit me down separately to tell me how great they think S is, how he's a "9 on a scale of 10", how they can tell he's totally crazy about me and couldn't take his eyes off of me and how, though they normally wouldn't suggest my dating someone who doesn't know Jesus, they are this time because they've seen how the Lord worked it out with my three sisters...so they thought He would work it out for me and S as well.

AGH!!!!!

I can't really fault them as they just put words to stuff I had been wondering myself. He had become way more intentional and attentive in the past month or so....basically their words just confirmed what I was afraid of...yet, honestly, still sort of wanted to hear. VERY CONFUSING.

That all basically screwed with my head for a few days. I was all over the place. Confused. Excited. Nervous. Scared. Excited. Confused. Hopeful. Fearful. I mean, he really is a great guy....just doesn't know Jesus and that is a non-negotiable for my dating someone. But, what if my parents were right? What if he really would come to know the Lord through our dating? And, what about that girl he was apparently dating now? Was she really just a distraction because he didn't think he was good enough for me like my parents said....?

And, did I really have feelings for him? Was I even attracted to him? I didn't know.

I was literally all over the place.

And, when I went before the Lord and prayed about it, I felt like He said two things to me:

1. "You haven't asked" (as in, "you've never asked me for this to happen" and "you've never admitted that he's the person you want to be with").
   
   Okay...."well, Lord, if he came to know you, then YES, I think he's the one I want to be with."


2. "You don't believe that I can change people"
   
   Okay, "Well, Lord, forgive me for doubting you. And, please prove to me that You can and do change people...that You can and do work in their lives to bring them to You. I'd love it if it were S....I hope it will be one day (not even for romantic reasons but just for his own benefit)....but please just let it be anyone...."

Now....I don't believe that these words from the Lord meant that anything will, should, can or might happen between S and me. I really think He was getting to the deeper heart of issues for me -

1. Desire. I don't often really look at or admit my own desire to be in a relationship (believe it or not). It's as if I think that I'm somehow less faithful or something if I admit that the Lord isn't enough for me...and that I long to have someone in my life. Well, I'm finally admitting it. I'm finally saying it. I'm finally letting myself off the hook. I long to be married...to have someone to live and share life with...
   
2. Change. It's actually (unfortunately) very true...I don't believe people change. Meaning, I've never seen anyone who doesn't know Jesus actually choose to follow Him and allow their lives to be radically changed by Him. I believe it can happen intellectually....but have never experienced it happen around me. And, after three years of working with and loving these people and still not seeing any of them even close to even wanting Jesus, I just have a hard time believing it ever will - and specifically that S ever will...he's so not interested in Jesus. I want it to happen.... I want to see someone, anyone come to know Jesus...to see their lives change, to see them living in the conscious knowledge of the Lord's love, freedom, redemption and goodness. So, I'm finally asking...I'm finally begging...to see it happen in someone's life. Anyone's life. I'm asking for the faith to believe it will happen someday. I'm asking to see it happen.

Okay, great...but where does all that leave me with S?

I've had quite a bit of time to think about it, pray about it, talk with some very trusted friends and feel put back together now and far less confused. Plus, just getting back into my normal day-to-day life has provided some much-needed perspective and normalcy.

The truth is, I really truly don't have feelings for S. He's a great man. But, he's not THE man for me. At least not now. We've had a few in-depth conversations in the few weeks since returning to Colorado just about life in general - nothing even remotely close to something about relationships or whatever - and it's helped show me some of the deeper aspects of who he is. I still adore and appreciate him...but the stark difference between a good man and a good man who is a follower of Jesus is overwhelming. I'm not willing to settle for merely "good." I want "good who follows Jesus wholeheartedly."

So, we're still friends....though I'm pulling back a little. Jennie wisely mentioned that S needs to become less dependant on me. And, it's true. For my good. For his good. And for the good of his new relationship. If he's dating another girl but still emotionally and circumstantially closer and dependant on me, that's no good for anyone. I want the best for him...and that includes respecting and blessing this new relationship....even if he's not aware of the disfuntion and unhealth of how things are working right now. I want them to succeed. And, if the Lord wills it, for both of them to come to know Jesus.