You may remember that I actually used to lead worship in our services and then, in the fall of 2006, I was asked to step away from leading at services (for a refresher, you can read here, here and here) so that I could move into other areas of leadership and oversight.
Initially, being asked to step away three years ago was devastating to me. Rather than being honored that there were larger opportunities for me to step into, I took it all to mean that I wasn't good enough to lead. Eventually, I saw things more clearly and even realized how relieved I was to still play and sing on the band without having to lead the band...and that, in fact, I hadn't really ever enjoyed or felt capable of leading it.
So, for nearly the past three years, I haven't led worship in any capacity. I've overseen the entire ministry and I've played on the band...but I haven't led anything (except for a very occasional small-group worship time). I haven't wanted to. I haven't even thought about it.
That is, until around three months ago.
We were starting a new healing/counseling class (see Gap #2....coming shortly, I promise) and according to the format we were using, we were going to start each class with a time of worship. I was the only one on the team who could play an instrument or sing or, for that matter, even had any worship experience. So, unhesitatingly, I volunteered to lead worship each week. (First noteworthy step - "unhesitatingly.")
And, over the 12-week course, things went really well. My musicianship wasn't perfect...but it wasn't terrible...and really, either way, it didn't matter. The Holy Spirit was there. People were interacting with the Lord. We were worshipping. And, I felt really comfortable and at peace leading. No weirdness. No insecruity. No worry. No anxiety.
About mid-June, I was in church (our worship team has gotten large enough now that I don't have to play on the band every week) and randomly had the following thought go through my mind: "I think I could lead again. I definitely need a few pointers on how to direct the band...but I think I'm ready to lead again."
Then, my friend Billy (amazing worship leader and songwriter whose song, "Oh Lord My Shepherd Be," appears on this album) emailed a few of us to suggest doing a worship leading workshop with some folks before he moved away to grad school. He sent that email about three days after I had that thought about leading again.
This email to him sums up what happened next:
"I think I told you this when you sent out the initial email sharing your idea to do a worship workshop of this sort....that I had been feeling it was time to step into leading worship again...but just needed someone to show me how to lead a band.
Literally three days after my initial thought, your email came. Definitely the Lord. :) Then, came the onslaught of attack then fear (both things I've not struggled with in any regard in a while....and specifically, not with worship at all in YEARS).
First it was the literal feeling of suffocation every time I'd step on stage - and just when I was on the band...not leading yet! - it truly was as if I had suddenly been thrown into having to learn a new language or that there was some physical and mental wall I couldn't scale. Strange. Disorienting. Discouraging. (and had only happened one other time in my entire life...in high school at a vocal competition where I had already taken first place in the first round...there was no need to fear the 2nd round audition).
Anyway, then, Sunday...all morning and specifically right before we started the workshop, I was panicking! Complete irrational fear took over. And, I couldn't get myself out from under it - even after J's sermon (ironically appropriate as it was about fear and getting our security and confidence from the Lord, not others) and prayer during ministry time. It was all these crazy thoughts - ranging from "everyone's going to think the song I choose is lame....they're all into "indy rock" and I'm as classic and vanilla as it comes. I'm going to be ostrasized before I even begin." to "everyone thought I sucked as a leader back in the day and they still think so. I'm completely inadequate and inside they're all thinking 'great, here we go again...why's she doing this when it's clear she can't lead?' " No need to mention how ridiculous all those thoughts were, that only a few people said any of those things back in the day anyway, that it's an entirely different group of people on the band now, that I've gotten a bit better as a musician/guitarist or that I've actually gotten tons of healing and freedom for all my performance-orientation crap.
Anyway, once we got started at the workshop, things just dissipated. All the fear. All the irrational thoughts. And the entire afternoon was so redeeming for me. Everything from hearing small statements of "ooh, I love that song" to how intuitive it felt to attempt to lead once I tried doing it (even though I know I still have LOTS of improving to do...it wasn't nearly as awful and overwhelming as it used to feel) to so many many statements and comments that YOU made that verbalized thoughts and feelings I've had for years but never felt adequate enough (or felt I had a voice) to say."
It really was amazing. And, since then, I've co-led our worship times twice and this Sunday night will be leading the worship time myself. I'm excited and I know this is the direction I'm supposed to be going in. Even though I'm not overseeing the worship ministry anymore...I'm definitely supposed to be leading again.
Gosh, it's nice to be able to actually think about worship again...rather than all the logistical details that go into running a ministry.
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