No More Cycles (hopefully)

Lots has been going on! I'll spare all the gorey details but, suffice it to say that one more time, I've found myself over-committed, worn out and too busy. I've known it....but the point was driven home loud and clear when I had people from every different area of my life say "You're the busiest person I know" all in the span of about 10 days. A girl gets the picture after all of that.... :)

I feel like I've finally some clear-cut, honest, healthy resolution now though. After getting some prayer at church a few weeks ago, I realized how this busyness thing is a cycle for me (I'm sure all of you - if I still have any readers left! - have realized this a long time ago but I just did!)...and this cycle comes from a feeling of obligation to others. The last time the busyness stuff was this bad was two years ago when I nearly quit church and everything to do with Jesus and tried to date a non-believing co-worker (Remember? If not read here and here.)

And, though I'm handling this one much much better than that, some of the same stuff has emerged - basically, at the risk of "inconveniencing others," I say "yes" to everything, even when it's an inconvenience to me...I want to love others and give them the opportunity for whatever they need....but end up killing myself in the process.

So, while I'm not dumb enough to believe that I'll never have to deal with this again I feel like I have some tools to do things differently. The main one feels a little cheesy...but I think it is what I have to do - it's something we encourage our married couples at church to do and I think I'm going to do it with the Lord each week - have a "business/family" meeting to go over my schedule and my budget. I'm hoping that as I stay connected to Jesus in general and then specifically as it pertains to my schedule/priorities and money, I won't revisit this cycle as much!

Plus, even as the Lord's been (seemingly out of nowhere - I'll try to fill in this gap soon) opening the doors for me to be leading worship again, I really feel like I'm not supposed to be overseeing the worship ministry anymore.

There are what seems like a million confirmations about this - not the least of which is a redefining and re-opening of my heart for hurting/broken people. Two years ago after I hit bottom, I walked away from that time with two big things (though for some reason, I never wrote about either one on my blog...WEIRD) : 1) "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and 2) (after watching the movie Amazing Grace) a desperate cry to the Lord to be used to bring healing and freedom to others as Wilberforce had to the slaves in the UK (though not desiring to have anywhere near the same stage or noteriety)...and that's where my pursuit of a "little sister" and my heart for my co-workers were birthed.

So, as I've taken lots of time to re-evaluate stuff in the last few weeks, those two things came back to mind and my heart's been re-opened and re-softened to care for the broken and wounded. And, I feel all this counseling/peer counseling stuff (another thing I will attempt to catch my readers up on - hopefully soon) is exactly what I'm supposed to be giving my time to. I've taken worship as far as I can take it in the five (!) years I've been overseeing it.

I met with my pastor earlier in the week to present all of this to him and he agreed 100%. He was really affirming and complimentary about the job I've done and all....which was super encouraging. I was a little concerned that I'd have to sell him on the idea or that my stepping down from worship would cause someone else to have to do more work. And, he actually even said that (though I didn't) - that he knows I'm probably worried about inconveniencing someone else...but that it's clear the Lord's up to something and so I shouldn't worry about it. It was awesome and so confirming/encouraging.

And, finally, I met with my worship ministry coordinators (the ones I've been working directly with and who actually oversee the nuts and bolts of the worship ministry) a few nights ago to share all of this with them as well. And, it went really well. The Lord's been doing some significant and powerful stuff in their lives as well so I know that my stepping down is actually perfect for them....I think/hope/pray that they actually choose to step up into the position I just left.

And, now, I'm DONE! I'm so excited...and I never thought I'd ever want to be done with worship. But, the idea of not having the responsibility of all the details and bigger picture of worship on my back and of just being able to be a worship leader/band member makes me more excited than I can say!

Last night, I was at a church function and we had a few audio-visual snaffus arise. And, for the first time in FIVE YEARS, I didn't have to respond to it. Someone else was there and it was a stark, though GLORIOUS, moment to realize that those things were someone else's problem now...not mine (directly or indirectly).

I'm SO SO SO VERY EXCITED about all the Lord's allowing me to be a part of with our counseling and prayer ministries at my church. Knowing that the worship ministry is being so well taken care of by others so I can fully let it go and focus on counseling and prayer is absolutely GLORIOUS. :)

The Lord's timing, plan and love for me are astounding, humbling and so fulfilling.