Weak and Tired

I feel weak and tired.

Not long ago, I wouldn't have been able to admit that. I would have only shown my stiff upper lip, my strength, my tenacity, my wisdom...or I would have just been absent from a forum such as this.

But, the truth is, I'm okay with my weakness and my exhaustion. I'm not going to hide it anymore or try to deny its existance. And, I've learned that it's in that place of weakness and exhaustion that true Beauty emerges, that true Trust is established and that true Strength and Deliverance are able to do their work.

My family is a crazy mix of utterly amazing and pathetically dysfunctional. It always has been.... But it's been through this stunning, yet torn, tapestry that God's shown me the richness of His love, His power, His provision, His tender care, His justice, His mercy and His grace. It's through this messy beauty that He's formed my character and my life.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm 100% thankful for the challenges we've had to walk through as a family but I'd also be lying if I said that I wished I were a different person or knew Jesus any less intimately than I do. And, since I firmly believe that only the Lord knows the correct mix of good and bad required to mold me into who He has for me to be and that He does, indeed, work all things for good, I trust Him and all that He's allowed to unfold in my family and life.

That all said, as we continue to face new challenges as a family, I find that I'm increasingly more tired and weak in the process. I don't wish that He'd stop forming me to be more like Him...but I do wish that things would finally be easier in our family. I do wish that the drama and tough situations would end. I do wish for full peace, harmony and restoration.

God's been doing some amazingly restorative and life-alteringly freeing work in my father. It's been a drastic, tough road for him...and yet, he testified just this weekend that he's learned more about the Father and about true Christianity in the last two months than he'd learned in the past 30 years. Worth it? ABSOLUTELY.

Yet, in that same conversation, he mentioned that my stepmother will probably be divorcing him soon. It's not something he wants yet it's not something for which he's void of blame. And still, it's something he's come to terms with.

And, I'm just sad. I'm disappointed. I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm confused.

How could it be so easy to give up on something after nearly 11 years? Especially when - though things have never been easy - there's now more possibility of a healthy marriage (and, thus, a healthy family) than ever before?

There are a million thoughts and a million opinions and a million details I could share...but they're useless. The reality is that this IS what's happening. And, I'm just sad. I'm sad for my dad...this will make his third failed marriage. I'm sad for my younger brothers and sisters who've had the blessing of growing up with two parents at home and now are, in essence, losing that security. I'm sad for my stepmother who's giving up after working hard for so many years. And, I'm sad for me...

I'm just tired of sadness and hardship and broken relationships and feel weak in the face of it all...and I'm wondering when all the hard work will pay off with some peace, harmony, hope and joy.

In the past, a situation like this would have caused crisis in me - immediately planning to swoop in, to get involved, to try to be the voice of reason and keep them from parting....OR....at the very least, figuring out how to rally the family and take the lead in caring for everyone....even to the point of potentially changing my entire life for them, if necessary.

This time, I'm not doing that. I know it's not my responsibility to do anything but pray and love and (when appropriate) extend as much grace and truth as possible. But, it all still sucks and is still really hard. This isn't the way things were meant to be. Yet, this is the way it is.

I do find myself tending to think that I'm alone once again...that my family's falling apart again and so I've got to tough it out on my own again. And, yet, I know that's totally not true. I know that even if some of the dynamic of my family is now changing, my family is still my family. And, more than anything else, I'm not alone. I have AMAZING siblings who are all committed to remaining close no matter what happens with our parents. I have an AWESOME church community/family that isn't affected one bit by my family. And, I have an EVER-PRESENT God who has never and will never forsake me.

I do just wish things would begin to get easier though.