Miscellaneous Observations

This past week, in light of all that's going on with my parents, I've been making a few noteworthy observations.

1. I AM comfortable being weak. I've had no problem sharing what's going on in my family and leaving it just at that - without having to have a solution or perfectly packaged response. THIS IS GROWTH!!!! I've had no problem telling people what's going on, how it's affected me and how I could use their help. Late last week, at the small group I lead, I briefly mentioned all that was going on and asked everyone to pray as they felt led to over the upcoming week. Unexpectedly (because, really I've been doing better with all this than I could have ever expected or have ever done in the past), I started crying. The entire group offered to pray with me on the spot and I totally welcomed it. I didn't shoo anyone off or minimize it. I allowed them - the people I'm leading - into my pain. (And, in addition to how amazing their prayers were, I realized afresh how valuable it is to let those you lead see your pain and weakness....).
   
2. I'm known more than I think I am. Continuing on in regard to my small group's praying for me, I was absolutely blown away -- totally and completely blessed -- by the things they were praying. One person in particular really just prayed some of the most amazing stuff - stuff that proved how well he really knows me. It was a blessing but also somewhat of a surprise that he was that aware of some of the deeper parts and history of the situation and of my heart - things I'd forgotten I'd ever shared with anyone outside of my closest circle of friends. And, being known like that made me feel so safe, so cherished, so seen, so loved, so valued. I needed that reminder.
   
3. I'm not as known as I think I am. Yes, a seeming paradox to the previous point...but it's true. As much as one person's prayers helped me realize how known and seen I am, some of the other prayers made me realize that I'm not as known as I think I am. Don't get me wrong, their prayers were great. But, the comments like "God loves your tears, Natalie...it's okay to cry, even if it's hard for you" or "Thank you so much for sharing" or "Thank you for letting us in" or even "I know this is such a hard thing to go through but God gets us through even the most difficult situations in our lives, we just need to look to Him" made me realize that, for many of the folks in my small group, they only know bits and pieces of my story. Most of them are new to the church and thus weren't around for the multitude of times I've sobbed in church or walked through family and/or personal issues that were way more intense and drastic than these. These people in my small group feel like family and so I forget that they've not been around for very long. Time to start sharing and opening up more!
   
4. I'm not as affected by my family's drama as I used to be. As I said in my last post, in the past something of this nature would have been the death of me. It would have caused all sorts of personal panic - I would have immediately gotten involved in trying to talk some sense into my parents or at the very least, I would have rallied all of my siblings to make sure that everyone was okay. I would have carried everyone else's pain as if it were my own. I would have considered giving up everything in my life to help work everything out for everyone else. I would have had a strange sense of guilt and shame that I wasn't struggling or walking through hard stuff and that my life was going okay.
   
   But, that's not true anymore. I still care deeply. I'm still saddened. I'm still disappointed. I'm still unsure of what the future looks like for our family. But, I'm not getting more involved than I need to. And, I'm not carrying anyone else's pain. The truth of the matter is that, while things will certainly look different in our family once my dad and step mom divorce, my day-to-day life won't change one bit. While it is awful that the people I love are hurting, I'm not really directly affected by any of this...and it's okay that I'm not. I shouldn't (and don't) feel guilty for the way that my life is working right now. I'm not required do to anything more than love, pray and be. This isn't my burden to carry.... THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
   
5. I've got really high expectations for the people I care about the most. Finally, this one's hard to digest (yet good for me). This latest stuff with my family is just highlighting something I've already been trying to work on. I have a tendency to be harder on the people I love, care for and esteem the most than I do on anyone else...and I have an arrogance problem. I have great hopes for people...and thus, just assume that they'll always make the right choices and walk the right roads at the right times ("right" being my idea of the right choices, roads and times, of course... ;) ).
   
   Case in point with my family - I'm saddened that when there's the greatest chance of health, my step mom is giving up on her marriage (while still totally understanding her being worn out and tired after 11 years of a difficult marriage.). And, if I'm thoroughly honest, I'm a tad bit irritated that we're all reaping the penalty of bad decisions by a few. I saw so many of their issues years ago and tried to call them out and offer hope and a solution...but no one listened. And, now, here we are - years later, all reaping the poor benefits of my accurate assessments. (Let's not fail to mention that I have no business parenting my parents...so it's no wonder that they didn't pay any attention to what I said...but that's a whole other issue for another day.)
   
   The truth is I do have a gift of seeing people really clearly, discerning truth and wisdom really well, and typically knowing what the best steps are for people. And, I have a track record of making many right - and difficult - decisions in my own life. HOWEVER, while that's all well and good, I have a tendency to lean too hard into that - just assuming that since I have made hard decisions when necessary and since I can see truth for people so clearly, they a) will also make hard decisions, b) must see truth too and c) are ready to step into what's "right" (no matter how hard it is) when I think they are.
   
   What I tend to so easily forget is that many people don't see things as clearly as I do; that even if they do see it, they're often not willing to pay the price (known pain is often easier than unknown potential freedom and the cost to get there); and, most importantly, that most of the time God's timetable for others and their walk through life is a whole lot different than my timetable is. I also tend to forget that I haven't always made the right decisions, that I haven't always seen truth right away, that I haven't always said yes when I should have...that my own road has a few more twists and turns and detours than God probably intended for me....that I haven't arrived yet, and yet, He's been patient, kind and loving through every delay and mistake. He hasn't ever given up on me or been irritated when I don't "get it" (right away or at all). He's walked with me, extended grace and remained committed to me all along the way. And, He's still walking with me, extending grace and pointing me on the path to be more and more like Him.
   
   So, it's the least I can do for those in my family, don't you think?