Holding Back

I mentioned in a recent post how I went to see my father last week and how redeeming it was. And, truly, it was. But, I found myself - nearly the entire time I was there, being very guarded and reserved. I was hesistant to really share anything that's emotionally near and dear to my heart. I held back from really engaging him where he was at and from expressing how I felt about him or any of the super personal and/or important things God's been doing in my life. And, it REALLY bothered me. I couldn't figure out why I was so withdrawn and afraid to open up. That's not typically me.

As I've been processing my trip and my reaction, I've realized that I still have strong boundaries with him. My dad and I had a very enmeshed, co-dependant relationship as I grew up. But, as I received more and more healing and freedom from my own brokeness, I had to establish really really firm boundaries with him. He didn't quite understand my boundaries and wasn't self aware enough at the time to see that what I was doing was healthy...which made things even harder between us. Combine that with the reality that I had spiritually progressed beyond the man who first pointed me to Jesus (a VERY difficult reality to face as a daughter who idolized her father). And, combine both of those realities with the truth that, more often than not, his words and actions didn't quite measure up. As he made his primary focus trying to please my step-mom (obviously an admirable - and yet in their case, ultimately detrimental - thing), he would admit or commit to something (that would give me hope that he was changing) but wouldn't actually follow through. For all of the things I mentioned about who my father seemed to be (in my most-recent post about my trip to see him), the reason it was such a miracle to witness was because, for many years, he'd been the anti-thesis of those very traits.

Please hear me - I LOVE my father. I'm thankful for how he fought for me and my siblings in so many ways and in so many REALLY hard situations over the years. I'm eternally grateful that he pointed me to Jesus. And, I can credit him with many of the postive aspects of my character. Plus, I know that he's just human, did the best he could in difficult times and has his own pain and wounds to contend with. But, all that said, his actions - intentional and unintentional - had an effect on me. And, as such, I think that I put up what I thought were healthy and necessary boundaries. But, I'm realizing that maybe they've gone too far. Maybe they were too stringent, allowing me to be for more emotionally guarded than I should have been with him.

And, now, as I see his transformation right before my eyes, I long to be open and engage with him. Yet, I'm still tentative. I think I'm just hesistant to believe that the changes I'm witnessing are real or will be long-lasting. It's like I'm testing him or something. Which, I guess, in one regard, is probably wisdom. It is okay to take a wait-and-see approach and allow him to earn my trust back. But, at the same time, I'm so excited to see this amazing miracle of mercy and grace in his life, that I long to be a part of it.

I wonder if finding the balance between openess and boundaries is ever easier or more clear, or if it's always a juggling act...?