Gaping Wide Open

I've been doing this online dating thing for eight months now. I'd say the first five were a pointless, hopeless, disappointing waste of time. I wasn't impressed with any of the guys I was "matched" with...and apparently none of them was impressed with me.

But, there's been a lot more activity these last three. I couldn't tell you what changed, really. Most of my profile content is the same. Many of the pictures are the same. And, yet, there are more guys interacting with me. Which is a nice and good thing...but, it's also all getting old in a different way.

I'm growing and changing and learning how to really just date and be out there, that the person I am in my entirety is actually attractive and desirable to other people. This girl hasn't actually had much "dating" experience up til this point so the experience in the "dating" world is really good for me. If nothing else, it's actually helping me realize a few things about myself (read here for more info).

Most recently, I was corresponding with a British man who lives in Aspen. Though we never met face to face, from his emails, he seemed like a pretty great guy. I was actually really drawn to him and found myself getting connected to him...yet, ultimately I had to vote no and end things because he doesn't love or follow Jesus in the same manner I do and need my future mate to.

And, oh, there are so many thoughts going through my head over this one. But, mainly this:

My experience with the Brit was actually really great - in that, it showed me that a mature, successful, attractive man (as opposed to many of the immature guys who typically show interest in me) could actually interested in ME - attracted to me physically and mentally; interested in knowing me as a person, knowing my story, giving me space to be weak and vulnerable and just "be." There was actually one point when I sort of freaked out and I really heard the Lord say, "Just let him enjoy you, Natalie. I created you to be enjoyed...all of you (mind, heart, body, story, interests, past, sense of humor, etc) to be really seen and enjoyed."

And, I started to let him - even in our brief 10 days of email correspondence. I found myself allowing him to enjoy and see some of the deeper parts of me...and could feel the walls of my heart breaking down a little. It was such a glorious feeling to truly be seen and known and enjoyed as I really am. What's funny, though, is that I really didn't attach these glorious feelings specifically to this man...but was simply basking in what it's like for my heart be a bit more open.

But, even as I could feel my heart opening more and even as I was experiencing being seen and enjoyed, I knew that I couldn't continue down this road with this man...specifically since he doesn't follow Jesus like I do. And, that's actually fine with me. It doesn't matter how much it seems that someone sees and enjoys me if he doesn't also share my heart for Jesus and can't see/share that part of my world as well. If he doesn't, he's actually seeing and enjoying an incomplete picture of who I am...which is ultimately, obviously, counter-productive.

So I sit here 24 hours after breaking it off with this specific man and find my heart gaping wide open....longing to be seen and known and enjoyed and cherished. I don't miss him necessarily...but do miss the attention of someone who actually illustrated (at least in part) what it means to have the attention of a real man and have someone really embrace me as a woman...I do miss the glorious feeling of having so much of my guard down and inviting someone into that place in my life and still feeling safe and secure. And, I miss the opportunity of (at least starting to) offer my femininity and beauty and strength and all I am and have to offer to another person.

I realize I don't need a man in my life necessarily for me to stay in that open place....so I'm trying to figure out how to stay here even without a man presently in my life.

But, boy, this brief taste has caused my longing and hope to only deepen and increase....