Another kind of update

It's been months since I've said anything on here about my relationship status. Forgive the lack of posts regarding my online dating experiences - I've not been holding out on you. There's really been nothing worthwhile to update you on. Apart from the older (15+ years older than me...sorry, that's just a bit too old for me - I want a peer, not a father) men and the guys whose first emails/contact with me simply and only say something like "hey, baby, wow...you're hot." or "hey, baby, I took the day off from work and am building a fire at home today. Want to join me for a footrub? I give great footrubs" (really?!), there  haven't been too many people who've made me think twice.  Apparently, I'm picky. Actually, I'm proudly picky. :)

But, at any rate, there have been a handful who've slipped through my intense scrutiny. And, in the past month, I've actually gone on a couple of first dates.

At 32 years old, I've only gone on two first dates. Two. And, they've been in the last month. (I have dated before...but typically we've been good friends before we started dating. Here, I'm talking about actual or nearly actual strangers.)

Notice, I said "first dates." Which, in this case, implies that there will be no second date with either. Both were supremely pleasant times spent in conversation with an interesting and attractive person. But, ultimately, during both, I and my companion realized that we were not a right fit for the other.

Ah, whatever, chaulk it up to a fun experience and in learning what I like and don't like, right? Yes. All true.

But, these two somewhat arbitrary and potentially pointless encounters have actually really taught me a lot about myself. I was able to carry on conversation (nearly three-hour long dates with each) without much awkwardness. I was comfortable with myself and curious about my companion. I wasn't insecure or full of self-doubt when he mentioned how atheletic he was or how much money he had or how much he traveled or what his family was like or whatever. I actually felt confident. Not questioning if I was good enough or pretty enough or witty enough or thin enough or came from a good enough family or whatever. Truly feeling like I was worth being pursued and enjoyed by him. That I had a right to be in that room, on that date, at that moment.

That that's a huge milestone for me is an understatement. But, it goes further.

I felt confident and comfortable in and of myself period. I didn't feel confident because of the attractive guy I was with...or frankly because an attractive guy chose to spend some time with me and found me at least moderately interesting.

And, I still felt completely confident and comfortable when it was obvious while on those first dates that there wouldn't be second dates with either. For the first time (that I was conscious of anyway), I didn't feel rejected. I didn't feel like something was wrong with me. I didn't feel like I needed to change for him to like me more or choose me. I have become so comfortable with myself that I could honestly acknowledge that I'm not the right fit for either of these guys.

But, moreso, I was able to also acknowledge that they're not the right fit for me either - and that that's okay. I'm not too picky. I don't have to change my desires or interests or attractions to match some man just because he happens to be interested in me or in my desperate pursuit of being loved.

I think the point here is that I'm no longer desperate. I'm not willing to settle in order to feel loved. I am at rest and know I'm seen, known and loved by my Father. And, I know that in His timing, I will be seen and known and loved by a man that I too see, know and love. Our relationship won't be perfect...because neither of us will be perfect. But, it will be good. It will be right. For us.

Maybe not much of an interesting update/post for you. But, for me, this feels like the beginning of something monumental. I'm not sure when this change happened. It was subtle. It was subconscious. I think it's actually something that happened a while ago...but I'm just now aware of it. But, it's just another further evidence of the great, deep work that the Father is doing in me. It's just another evidence of the deep peace and healing He's brought to my soul and my heart.

I'm desperately grateful.