Living in the Tension

For whatever reason, I've found myself saying the following quite often these past few weeks: "Everything's the same but nothing's the same." Meaning - at the basest level, for the past six-ish years I've had the same job, lived in the same house, gone to the same church, driven the same car, and had the same relationship status but yet have experienced such a depth of healing and freedom that I am no where near the same person I was six years ago.

Everything's the same but nothing's the same.

Also, I've been in situations that have caused me - sometimes viscerally - to remember what I was like and what life was like "back then," to marvel at the depth of brokenness I lived with and the profound and undeserved grace that has been mine since, to look at where I came from and be arrested by the vast beauty that is my life now. And yet these same situations (and others) have caused me to struggle. To watch so many friends and acquaintances "move on with their lives" - get married, have children, advance in ministry, move, progress professionally, step into dreams long held, etc. etc. etc. while I still haven't experienced most of those things.

Everything's the same but nothing's the same.

It's interesting because I know the right answers. At the end of the day, what I know to be true...what I rest in (in the good moments) and cling to (in the hard moments)...are the realities that:

• God is good.
• He loves me.
• He has the perfect plan for me.
• He knows my heart, my dreams and my desires even more clearly than I do.
• The healing and freedom I have experienced are far more valuable than any circumstantial change ever could be.
• Others may have the circumstantial things I long for but not yet the healing and freedom I do.
• He is the perfect Orchestrator of my life, and, ultimately, I want things to turn out the way He has planned, rather than my meager and sub par expectations.

Yet, the walking out of these two realities that nothing and everything are the same...when the dreams and desires I hold are only growing more acute with each day and close friends who've also had their own dreams tarry are finally experiencing fulfillment...gets tricky. So tricky. I find myself stuck squarely in the tension of overwhelming gratitude and an impatient anticipation and eagerness.

There are moments of despair. There are moments of futilely trying to take matters into my own hands. There are moments of deep joy. There are moments of profound disappointment. There are moments of overpowering grace. There are moments of tear-inducing, life-altering gratitude.

But, really - thankfully, gratefully and definitely frustratingly - there's nothing else I can do but wait, hope and trust.

And so I live in the tension.