Pushing Through

When I last wrote, I was basking in the wonder, freedom, joy and redemption of relinquishing control, showing my weaknesses and still feeling safe.

In the weeks since that post, I've been anything but basking in freedom and joy. Instead, I've been an emotional mess...albeit almost entirely internally and not letting many people know just how bad/hard it's been. (Man, that description I gave about being a "7" on the Enneagram was more accurate than I care to admit. NAILED.)

Why an emotional mess? Well, basically because I had tasted what it was like to feel so free and secure with the people around me...and now I am afraid of losing it. So, I teeter between old coping mechanisms (of shutting down, pulling back, holding back, being distant, caring for others and pretending everything's fine - essentially of controlling the situations and relationships around me so I can't be hurt) and trying to push through the fear, be honest and risk by staying open emotionally and showing my need/weaknesses.

Add to that having two very dear friends move away in the past few months. Two people who dared to push through all of my walls and supposed "strength" long (we're talking years) before I even realized how closed off I was. And, while I'm still good friends with both of them (I think I've spoken to one of them nearly every single day since she moved), it's still different not having them here in the "every day" of my life.

And, finally, let's not forget to include a very challenging work environment where something I've been working toward for nearly two years seems further away than ever before. The people I thought were advocates for helping me transition into a new position have failed me. I feel like they've been dangling a carrot in front of me for 18 months, and every time I get close to grasping it, the rules change. I feel unseen, unappreciated, unvalued and taken advantage of...honestly, just plain disappointed and devastated. I dared to risk trusting them to help me achieve this dream and it feels like they haven't made me a priority. And, instead, that they've actually helped advance other people in the company while leaving me behind. While I know the truth that people do care about me and that I can trust others...this work situation has only tried to drive home the opposite....

I find my heart and mind at war with the competing thoughts of "See, no one ever comes through for you...it's not safe to trust or depend on anyone else. Everyone will disappoint or abandon you. If you want to make something happen, you've got to do it yourself. It's not worth the risk to do otherwise." and "This is just a work situation. This isn't indicative of your value, your worth or reality. People don't always fail you; they are trust-worthy. Keep risking. Keep daring to hope. Stay open and soft. You can trust your friends...even if this work situation is disappointing and frustrating."

The other day, I was explaining all this to one of the friends who moved, and he said two things: "It's really awesome that you're that self aware...that you know what's going on and why you're acting/feeling/reacting how you are." and "Wow, sometimes ignorance is bliss, isn't it? I mean, this is good stuff you're working through...but life sure is easier and less emotional when you're not aware."

Isn't that the truth? It's both great and really hard all at once. I've worked hard for years to be this self aware...and yet, I still have so far to go...and the journey is scary and painful at many points. But, I'm trying and choosing to push past the fear and disappointment to stay open, to risk, to trust, to be free, to not always be in control, and to allow others in. I have to believe that even if it's painful and risky, it's so much more worth it, so much more life-giving, so much freer to live that way.

I tasted that freedom and joy a few weeks ago...and believe that what I tasted was more than momentary...that it is the enduring and delectable feast that awaits me....