The church stuff I relayed in the last post was just part of all that's happened in the past 24 hours. Huge things have started to come together at work as well.
At one point in the six or so weeks that I was struggling with so many things, I had decided that I was quitting everything I was doing at my church and that I was going to take a new position at work...one that I was excited about, one that allowed me to do more project work...but one that also allowed me to work very closely with the one person in my office I have no business working that closely to...so needless to say, my motivations for quitting everything at church and taking this new position were skewed in about twelve ways.
But, even though my approach was wrong, some of the underlying issues weren't. While I love my current job, I also am ready for more of a challenge and so believe in what my company's doing that I want to be a more direct contributor to projects than I can by being the front office administrator/receptionist.
During this process, I actually told my boss and the "one person" mentioned above that I was ready to move into that new position if/when it became available the way I wanted it to (there were some specifics that needed to work out in a certain way for me to take the job and those specifics were actually pretty unlikely to happen).
Then, I had my first conversation with Jay where I shared everything I was struggling through - including the work stuff and the guy situation. And, that's when, among lots of other things, he challenged me that I was in no position or mindframe to be making drastic changes (including the potential work position) until I was reconnected with Jesus.
The very next day after that conversation, I was actually offered exactly the job I wanted it (even though it had seemed so unlikey and impossible). I turned it down. I apologized for being so fickle but explained that I was having a bit of personal crisis and needed some time to figure some stuff out before I made major changes. It was truly one of those key moments when I made the right decision while every single part of me didn't want to make the right decision....
That was about four weeks ago...and since then, I've been trying to figure out so much about so many things, including what in the world I wanted to do with my life. And, adding to the stress was that I knew that our company's annual "alignment session" (where everyone makes goals for the upcoming year) was scheduled for yesterday. I felt like I needed to have some answers about my life before I could approach the alignment session and come away from it with any sort of direction.
Well, somewhere along the line in the past few weeks, as I've been really seeking the Lord about how I'd serve at my church, I realized that I'd believed (for nearly my entire life) that ultimately, I was only ever really "supposed to" or called to work at a church or ministry. That I couldn't seek out work or want to succeed in any other type of profession outside of a church or ministry. I don't think that anyone had ever told me that was true...I had just decided and believed it.
And, in just the last week, as I worked through the specifics of how I'd serve at my church, something broke and changed in me...and I finally realized and believed that I don't actually have to ultimately work at a church or a ministry. I've had lots of people tell me that I didn't at different points in my life...but somehow, it wasn't until this week that I finally believed it.
Since that point, I've felt the freedom to explore other jobs...or more specifically, to actually transition to another role at my company (since I really love working there and really believe in what they're about) where I'd be able to use more of my skills and contribute to project work. Of course, I can't work with that "one person" mentioned above....and luckily, they've already filled that position with someone else (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little disappointed though). So, even though I've felt freedom to explore another position, I've also felt a little stuck since there are a limited number of positions at my company for people who are not landscape architects or urban planners.
Also, Thursday afternoon, in preparation for the alignment session, we watched a video series called "Trombone Player Wanted" which is all about playing/working to your strengths (the things that fulfill and empower you rather than simply the things you're good at). And, it was super validating and exciting based on all I'd been processing, telling Jay and realizing about work.
Well...after all that, you're caught up until yesterday. Sorry for all the background but none of what happened yesterday would make sense without all of it.
Yesterday, my boss (and friend) S and I happened to be on the same bus to work. So, we were chit-chatting and I mentioned that I had talked to my pastor and was starting to figure out some stuff about my life (she's been aware of all I've been processing), how inspiring "Trombone Player Wanted" was for me and the whole idea that I'd just realized I'm not destined to have to work at a church...and how, that all gives me vision and excitement to really plug into something new at work.
Then, we walked into the alignment session and went through our day. During the session, there was time to brainstorm goals for the year and two breakout sessions with different mixes of people to give and receive feedback on each other's goals. By the end of the brainstorming and breakout sessions, I had four goals written but I wasn't super passionate about them. And, the feedback I'd recieved from others wasn't all that exciting.
So, at the very end of the day, I asked my boss S to give me some feedback and it was SO GREAT! She looked at the goals I'd written down and said they were really flat...especially in light of our conversation earlier that morning...and asked me if I was excited about them. I sure wasn't...so she helped me formulate them to be things that I could really be passionate about. She kept saying how I'd mentioned that I knew there was a higher purpose to my job than simply answering phones and managing the office and that I needed to encapsulate that into my goals. Then, she somehow figured out a way to do it - to fit my love and passion for people (and ultimately, mentoring and counseling) into my job as the receptionist and office manager. By the time I left, I had real vision and passion for my role...and how to expand it in ways that will give me opportunities to pour into the people I work with (without putting a counselor's couch behind my desk! :) ) and to engage in and contribute to project work in the office. I left the session so jazzed and ready to jump into these new things that minute!
I guess I just gave you a TON of details to simply explain that things are lining up at work as well. I feel like I'm about to enter into a new season professionally...that I have the freedom (both from God and from my employers) to do exactly what I desire to do. And, not only what I desire to do but what's needed and vital for the office I work in.
At one point yesterday, someone mentioned that I was the glue that held the office together...and while it was flattering (I mean, I AM glad that what I do is noticed and appreciated by others), it was meant in reference to the administrative tasks I do and I think that (as cheesy as this is about to sound), I want to be the glue that holds the office together relationally...that not only will I do the administrative tasks I need to but I'd really like to help keep people mentally, psychologically and spiritually held together too....And, it's just crazy that I'm getting the chance to do that.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Significant Progress, Part 1
So much has advanced and changed in just 24 hours that I can hardly believe it. I'm sitting here in awe as I realize that I'm already starting to not just see, but to tangibly experience and flesh out answers to the things I've been consciously wrestling with for the past six weeks (but only just shared in my last post) but that have been underlying issues to so much else I've struggled with for years.
For most of these last six weeks as I've wrestled with these issues, I really lost sight of who God was and who He was to me specifically. I questioned Him, His goodness, His character, His care for me and honestly lost hope for many of the things that He'd promised me over the years. I was exhausted, disillusioned, disconnected from Him and really just lost.
But, now, looking back, I can see how pivitol and truly vital the struggle has been. That, although it was so dark and dispairing (I don't know how to explain how apathetic, listless and passionless I've been...it was bad), the result is so much more freeing and hopeful than I could have ever imagined it to be. And, the reality is: I still don't have much nailed down...but, major things have shifted and/or are in process....I finally have peace again, settledness again, vision, direction, hope....answers.....reconnection with Jesus. It's good. Really good.
I met with Jay for lunch yesterday. And, even though I was about to present something major to him - dropping off of the council - I had such peace. The process that I'd been on and the conclusions I was drawing and honing in on made such sense to me and I felt like I was getting so much confirmation from Jesus that I really felt at peace...and knew that things would ultimately be okay with Jay and my role at the church. The one underlying issue that I had...and one that I didn't present in my last blog entry...was the fact that in part, my role as a council member meant that I got to pastor those overseeing worship, audiovisual and women's ministry. And, that part of being a council member was actually really fulfilling....but the parts that weighed me down far out-weighed that benefit. I was bogged down by the admin side of it and the responsibility that I felt to make sure that everything was working well in those ministry areas.
So, at lunch, I explained everything and the entire process I've been on....the journey to figure out what's good vs great/right...what Jesus really had for me in this season, etc....and how, though I'm still processing, the conclusion I'm leaning toward is to step off the council entirely and really plug into counseling and worship...and that I think that I'd like to have the transition complete by the end of this calendar year....that ultimately, I may be good at admin stuff but actually don't really like it nor am I energized by it. I shared an example of a past ministry experience of how vital the people factor is for me and how much I dislike the admin stuff in ministry situations.
He was so great...really listening to everything I had to say, not reacting or freaking out...but seeking to understand. He validated so much of what I said and was shocked by the fact that I don't like admin stuff... He didn't know that but totally accepted it and understood it. He kept saying that ultimately he wants me to be where I'm supposed to be and where God has for me to be...and that if that means walking away from the council entirely, that's what needs to happen. But, he also said that he wanted to pray about it and include the assistant pastor, Steve, in on it to pray and process. He said that he wanted to be careful and not have me throw out the baby with the bathwater - meaning, yes, getting rid of the admin responsiblities - that that'd be no problem at all (that maybe my time in that role was to help architect and build the system...but not maintain it) - but maybe not getting rid of the oversight/discipling piece with worship and women's ministry.
And, to be honest, that feels really good and really right. That's something I can totally do...where I'm still getting to love on those ministry coordinators and pour into their lives...but that that's all I have to do. That releases ALL the burden and pressure that I'm feeling right now.
So, we're still praying about the complete specific details and time-table...but we're going in the right direction. And, it was so unbelievably encouraging, validating and freeing to have Jay resonate and support the journey I've been on, the conclusions I've come to and all that Jesus is doing in me.
Overall, I can just see how much sense and how healthy this entire process has made/been...everything, even all the craziness in Chicago and the crisis it brought to me to have to really look at things and make some changes. To re-evaluate my calling and purpose. To wrestle with my motivations. To learn that it's okay to say no to things and to learn how to put margins in my life. It's been so freeing to actually start making some of my own things priorities (like working out three times a week, for instance) and not feel guilty or bad about it.
I can see so much change in me and how I respond to things...even in a few short weeks. I feel like something in me broke....like I was freed of some burdens and mistaken thinking/living patterns.... my motivations have changed and I'm not so worried about pleasing others or making myself appear a certain way for acceptance/approval. I don't know any other way to say it, other than It's just really good. Things feel right and more aligned and back to normal...yet healthier and more right than they ever have before. It's just really good.
And, all that I've shared is just one part of the past 24 hours.
For most of these last six weeks as I've wrestled with these issues, I really lost sight of who God was and who He was to me specifically. I questioned Him, His goodness, His character, His care for me and honestly lost hope for many of the things that He'd promised me over the years. I was exhausted, disillusioned, disconnected from Him and really just lost.
But, now, looking back, I can see how pivitol and truly vital the struggle has been. That, although it was so dark and dispairing (I don't know how to explain how apathetic, listless and passionless I've been...it was bad), the result is so much more freeing and hopeful than I could have ever imagined it to be. And, the reality is: I still don't have much nailed down...but, major things have shifted and/or are in process....I finally have peace again, settledness again, vision, direction, hope....answers.....reconnection with Jesus. It's good. Really good.
I met with Jay for lunch yesterday. And, even though I was about to present something major to him - dropping off of the council - I had such peace. The process that I'd been on and the conclusions I was drawing and honing in on made such sense to me and I felt like I was getting so much confirmation from Jesus that I really felt at peace...and knew that things would ultimately be okay with Jay and my role at the church. The one underlying issue that I had...and one that I didn't present in my last blog entry...was the fact that in part, my role as a council member meant that I got to pastor those overseeing worship, audiovisual and women's ministry. And, that part of being a council member was actually really fulfilling....but the parts that weighed me down far out-weighed that benefit. I was bogged down by the admin side of it and the responsibility that I felt to make sure that everything was working well in those ministry areas.
So, at lunch, I explained everything and the entire process I've been on....the journey to figure out what's good vs great/right...what Jesus really had for me in this season, etc....and how, though I'm still processing, the conclusion I'm leaning toward is to step off the council entirely and really plug into counseling and worship...and that I think that I'd like to have the transition complete by the end of this calendar year....that ultimately, I may be good at admin stuff but actually don't really like it nor am I energized by it. I shared an example of a past ministry experience of how vital the people factor is for me and how much I dislike the admin stuff in ministry situations.
He was so great...really listening to everything I had to say, not reacting or freaking out...but seeking to understand. He validated so much of what I said and was shocked by the fact that I don't like admin stuff... He didn't know that but totally accepted it and understood it. He kept saying that ultimately he wants me to be where I'm supposed to be and where God has for me to be...and that if that means walking away from the council entirely, that's what needs to happen. But, he also said that he wanted to pray about it and include the assistant pastor, Steve, in on it to pray and process. He said that he wanted to be careful and not have me throw out the baby with the bathwater - meaning, yes, getting rid of the admin responsiblities - that that'd be no problem at all (that maybe my time in that role was to help architect and build the system...but not maintain it) - but maybe not getting rid of the oversight/discipling piece with worship and women's ministry.
And, to be honest, that feels really good and really right. That's something I can totally do...where I'm still getting to love on those ministry coordinators and pour into their lives...but that that's all I have to do. That releases ALL the burden and pressure that I'm feeling right now.
So, we're still praying about the complete specific details and time-table...but we're going in the right direction. And, it was so unbelievably encouraging, validating and freeing to have Jay resonate and support the journey I've been on, the conclusions I've come to and all that Jesus is doing in me.
Overall, I can just see how much sense and how healthy this entire process has made/been...everything, even all the craziness in Chicago and the crisis it brought to me to have to really look at things and make some changes. To re-evaluate my calling and purpose. To wrestle with my motivations. To learn that it's okay to say no to things and to learn how to put margins in my life. It's been so freeing to actually start making some of my own things priorities (like working out three times a week, for instance) and not feel guilty or bad about it.
I can see so much change in me and how I respond to things...even in a few short weeks. I feel like something in me broke....like I was freed of some burdens and mistaken thinking/living patterns.... my motivations have changed and I'm not so worried about pleasing others or making myself appear a certain way for acceptance/approval. I don't know any other way to say it, other than It's just really good. Things feel right and more aligned and back to normal...yet healthier and more right than they ever have before. It's just really good.
And, all that I've shared is just one part of the past 24 hours.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Sifting...Redefining....Reprioritizing...Minimizing
Ever since I made this blog public, I've found how much less I actually say from my heart. There are fewer details and less of my heart processed here for the world to share than there used to be. Maybe I'm gun-shy because of a previous blog and sharing gone awry.
But, there's lot's going on. I've alluded to a lot of it but never really touched on the specifics. It's no secret that I've been overwhelmed with life....I'm simply trying to do too much and not taking care of myself spiritually or physically. And, though I've said it before, this time something's really going to change. The overwhelming that I've been feeling these last few weeks is not healthy, is not just seasonal or momentary and is not just mental. It's reality. If anyone saw my calendar - all I'm trying to do and thinking I have to do - you'd think I was crazy. Maybe I have been. But no more.
My pastor, Jay, gave a sermon a few weeks back about having margins in our lives and honestly, the entire rest of the room could have been gone...he could have been just speaking to me and it would have been fine. It was SO PERFECT. (You can download it off of our iTunes podcast.)
So, I'm in the midst of figuring out just what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing....how to really put margins in my life and not live to the extremes, to the limits of everything.
Here's the list of everything in my life right now:
-VLI (about 20 hrs per week)
-Work (with commute time, about 50 hrs per week)
-Participating on the worship team
-Overseeing the worship ministry and the worship ministry coordinators
-Overseeing the women's ministry the women's minstry coordinator
-Overseeing/coordinating the sound/audio-visual ministry until we find someone else to run it...then, simply overseeing that person/ministry area
-Coordinating the entire church council (aka elder board) - scheduling, deadlines, all other administrative tasks
-Joining the counseling ministry (to counsel others)
-Participating in small group
-Mentoring a girl in my small group
-working out
-relaxing
-keeping up with friends and family who aren't in Denver
-having fun
-spending time with Jesus
-spending time with friends
-enjoying other hobbies, etc
-taking care of my house
-space for a potential relationship to grow (IF/WHEN one comes about...right now there's absolutely no room for one even if someone was to be delivered to my doorstep)
See...there's a lot.
And, while I've already realized that this is completely not a sustainable way to live, I'm trying to figure out just what I need to/want to be doing and what things can go, I've been re-evaluating my calling/purpose in life (that I've felt God gave to me years ago) versus my gifting/talents versus common sense and am starting to formulate a plan (this is all in relation to the ways that I serve at church...SO that I can actually have room for the other, non-ministry, more "life" sorts of things listed above) .
About seven years ago, I made a personal life's mission statement that said something to the effect of being involved in worship, discipleship and administration.
Then, about three years ago, I realized that my real calling was to tell others about Jesus and His character - through worship and discipleship/counseling.
Then, just a few months ago, it was the discipleship/counseling thing that was driven home. You can read about that here.
So....when I look at all I'm involved in through the lens of those things, it seems that the admininstrative stuff shouldn't be part of the picture any longer - especially if, in addition to its not being a obvious part of my calling for the past few years, it feels more like a burden than a joy to do admin stuff outside of work (since I do admin stuff all day every day there).
So, I think that means the entire Council piece is out...no longer overseeing worship, sound or women's ministry and no longer coordinating the Council itself. Seems like the things I should be pressing into are participating on the worship team (since it's a joy to me and since singing/playing on a particular Sunday doesn't really take much out of me...but really energizes me), joining the counseling ministry, mentoring my friend C and completing VLI (since there are only three quarters left, since I'm learning so much about how to lead/pastor people and since for the next three quarters, I'll be getting mentored by our assistant pastor on counseling).
Still seems like a lot....and yet, not really that much and obviously far less than I'm doing right now. Plus, eliminating the weight of responsibility it is to oversee three ministry areas of the church and to coordinate the entire council will do wonders for my life. Wonders.
The next step is to share and process this out with Jay. To get his perspective. His advice. His thoughts. I've been processing it out with lots of people who are the closest to me - my parents, my sister, my closest friends Jennie and Ini, my friend/former mentor Carin - and they all seem to agree with the conclusion I've come to. I'm praying that my pastor does too.
I want to talk to him because (a) he's my pastor and I'm submitted to him, (b) I want to make sure that I've not overlooked or mis-processed any of this stuff and (c) I trust his insight and perspective.
I shared all the struggles and stress I was feeling with Jay about a month ago, so he knows what's going on. Then, he said that he wanted me to take some time to reconnect with Jesus and that once that happened, we'd come back to the other questions about what I can eliminate from my life, etc. He said that he thought about 90% would disappear once I reconnected with Jesus...but that if any/all of the stress and issues remained, he'd gladly relieve me of everything on my plate if necessary.
It's interesting, because on the one hand, I truly trust him and his perspective and I know that he cares about ME...not just the things I do. So, I know he's FOR ME. But, on the other hand, I'm scared that he's going to dismiss everything I've processed thus far and tell me that while the process is correct, my conclusions are incorrect. But, it's not that I'm afraid of HIM....I think I'm more afraid that my conclusions ARE incorrect.
I know that time will tell - or more importantly, God will tell. I know that. During a recent Sunday sermon, my assistant pastor Steve shared from Mark 1: 35-39 and I really felt like God was speaking to me through the sermon. Here's what I got out of it (as written in my journal):
"It was Mark 1:38 - how Jesus spent time with the Father. Then, He (Jesus) was being pressed by the people in that town to do certain things. And He said, 'Let's go to another town - that's what I was sent to do.' After spending time with the Father, Jesus knew what He was supposed to be about. And as 'good' or 'meritable' as the requests the people had for Him were, as legitimate as they were, they weren't the right things for Him at that time. He wasn't swayed but knew what He was to be about.
I just so feel like the sermon - and that bit of insight from that Scripture - was so key for me and a specific, timely answer to the questions that have been rolling around in my head for the last few days. The question I was weighing this morning was 'How can I justify to everyone that I shouldn't be on the council anymore?' And, I feel like I got my answer. Sort of.
It was a specific answer but not the specific answer. Meaning, I will be able to justify my decisions because I'll have spent time with Jesus and be certain that He will have spoken direction to me. But that right now, because I'm not quite back in relationship enough with Jesus to really know/trust what I'm hearing, I can't quite make the full decision and justify it at this moment."
That was all ten days ago...and as I've pressed more into Jesus and re-establish an intimate relationship with Him, these answers and conclusions haven't disappeared or changed...they've only strengthened (there are more examples....but I've written way too much here already today).
So....that's where I'm at. That's what's going on. And time will tell what the final result of all this is. We'll see.
When all's said and done, what I really want to be doing is only and everything that Jesus wants me to be doing....I'm just trying to figure out what that is. What's "great" vs "good"? What's what Jesus has for me in this season vs what I think I ought to be doing, feel obligated to do or what others think I ought to be doing? Those are the questions....hopefully the answers will come soon.
But, there's lot's going on. I've alluded to a lot of it but never really touched on the specifics. It's no secret that I've been overwhelmed with life....I'm simply trying to do too much and not taking care of myself spiritually or physically. And, though I've said it before, this time something's really going to change. The overwhelming that I've been feeling these last few weeks is not healthy, is not just seasonal or momentary and is not just mental. It's reality. If anyone saw my calendar - all I'm trying to do and thinking I have to do - you'd think I was crazy. Maybe I have been. But no more.
My pastor, Jay, gave a sermon a few weeks back about having margins in our lives and honestly, the entire rest of the room could have been gone...he could have been just speaking to me and it would have been fine. It was SO PERFECT. (You can download it off of our iTunes podcast.)
So, I'm in the midst of figuring out just what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing....how to really put margins in my life and not live to the extremes, to the limits of everything.
Here's the list of everything in my life right now:
-VLI (about 20 hrs per week)
-Work (with commute time, about 50 hrs per week)
-Participating on the worship team
-Overseeing the worship ministry and the worship ministry coordinators
-Overseeing the women's ministry the women's minstry coordinator
-Overseeing/coordinating the sound/audio-visual ministry until we find someone else to run it...then, simply overseeing that person/ministry area
-Coordinating the entire church council (aka elder board) - scheduling, deadlines, all other administrative tasks
-Joining the counseling ministry (to counsel others)
-Participating in small group
-Mentoring a girl in my small group
-working out
-relaxing
-keeping up with friends and family who aren't in Denver
-having fun
-spending time with Jesus
-spending time with friends
-enjoying other hobbies, etc
-taking care of my house
-space for a potential relationship to grow (IF/WHEN one comes about...right now there's absolutely no room for one even if someone was to be delivered to my doorstep)
See...there's a lot.
And, while I've already realized that this is completely not a sustainable way to live, I'm trying to figure out just what I need to/want to be doing and what things can go, I've been re-evaluating my calling/purpose in life (that I've felt God gave to me years ago) versus my gifting/talents versus common sense and am starting to formulate a plan (this is all in relation to the ways that I serve at church...SO that I can actually have room for the other, non-ministry, more "life" sorts of things listed above) .
About seven years ago, I made a personal life's mission statement that said something to the effect of being involved in worship, discipleship and administration.
Then, about three years ago, I realized that my real calling was to tell others about Jesus and His character - through worship and discipleship/counseling.
Then, just a few months ago, it was the discipleship/counseling thing that was driven home. You can read about that here.
So....when I look at all I'm involved in through the lens of those things, it seems that the admininstrative stuff shouldn't be part of the picture any longer - especially if, in addition to its not being a obvious part of my calling for the past few years, it feels more like a burden than a joy to do admin stuff outside of work (since I do admin stuff all day every day there).
So, I think that means the entire Council piece is out...no longer overseeing worship, sound or women's ministry and no longer coordinating the Council itself. Seems like the things I should be pressing into are participating on the worship team (since it's a joy to me and since singing/playing on a particular Sunday doesn't really take much out of me...but really energizes me), joining the counseling ministry, mentoring my friend C and completing VLI (since there are only three quarters left, since I'm learning so much about how to lead/pastor people and since for the next three quarters, I'll be getting mentored by our assistant pastor on counseling).
Still seems like a lot....and yet, not really that much and obviously far less than I'm doing right now. Plus, eliminating the weight of responsibility it is to oversee three ministry areas of the church and to coordinate the entire council will do wonders for my life. Wonders.
The next step is to share and process this out with Jay. To get his perspective. His advice. His thoughts. I've been processing it out with lots of people who are the closest to me - my parents, my sister, my closest friends Jennie and Ini, my friend/former mentor Carin - and they all seem to agree with the conclusion I've come to. I'm praying that my pastor does too.
I want to talk to him because (a) he's my pastor and I'm submitted to him, (b) I want to make sure that I've not overlooked or mis-processed any of this stuff and (c) I trust his insight and perspective.
I shared all the struggles and stress I was feeling with Jay about a month ago, so he knows what's going on. Then, he said that he wanted me to take some time to reconnect with Jesus and that once that happened, we'd come back to the other questions about what I can eliminate from my life, etc. He said that he thought about 90% would disappear once I reconnected with Jesus...but that if any/all of the stress and issues remained, he'd gladly relieve me of everything on my plate if necessary.
It's interesting, because on the one hand, I truly trust him and his perspective and I know that he cares about ME...not just the things I do. So, I know he's FOR ME. But, on the other hand, I'm scared that he's going to dismiss everything I've processed thus far and tell me that while the process is correct, my conclusions are incorrect. But, it's not that I'm afraid of HIM....I think I'm more afraid that my conclusions ARE incorrect.
I know that time will tell - or more importantly, God will tell. I know that. During a recent Sunday sermon, my assistant pastor Steve shared from Mark 1: 35-39 and I really felt like God was speaking to me through the sermon. Here's what I got out of it (as written in my journal):
"It was Mark 1:38 - how Jesus spent time with the Father. Then, He (Jesus) was being pressed by the people in that town to do certain things. And He said, 'Let's go to another town - that's what I was sent to do.' After spending time with the Father, Jesus knew what He was supposed to be about. And as 'good' or 'meritable' as the requests the people had for Him were, as legitimate as they were, they weren't the right things for Him at that time. He wasn't swayed but knew what He was to be about.
I just so feel like the sermon - and that bit of insight from that Scripture - was so key for me and a specific, timely answer to the questions that have been rolling around in my head for the last few days. The question I was weighing this morning was 'How can I justify to everyone that I shouldn't be on the council anymore?' And, I feel like I got my answer. Sort of.
It was a specific answer but not the specific answer. Meaning, I will be able to justify my decisions because I'll have spent time with Jesus and be certain that He will have spoken direction to me. But that right now, because I'm not quite back in relationship enough with Jesus to really know/trust what I'm hearing, I can't quite make the full decision and justify it at this moment."
That was all ten days ago...and as I've pressed more into Jesus and re-establish an intimate relationship with Him, these answers and conclusions haven't disappeared or changed...they've only strengthened (there are more examples....but I've written way too much here already today).
So....that's where I'm at. That's what's going on. And time will tell what the final result of all this is. We'll see.
When all's said and done, what I really want to be doing is only and everything that Jesus wants me to be doing....I'm just trying to figure out what that is. What's "great" vs "good"? What's what Jesus has for me in this season vs what I think I ought to be doing, feel obligated to do or what others think I ought to be doing? Those are the questions....hopefully the answers will come soon.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Yes, I was "safe"
I'm fresh off my little excursion to the mountains with some girlfriends fromwork this weekend. Though tired, I had a great time! We had so much fun just relaxing, hanging out, watching movies, talking, eating, playing games.
And, in response to a previous post: yes, I was safe. I didn't do anything stupid. Nothing got out of hand. There was drinking, but I only had a few over the course of the entire evening. Go me!
The best part is that I had prayed that I'd get a chance to share about Jesus since none of the girls I went with is a believer. And, it happened. We had this long conversation about faith, Jesus, my life, etc while sitting on the porch at like 2 a.m.
Then, the next morning, as my friend J (who was silent during the previous night's conversation and who is a completely non-religious person) and I were driving back to Denver, she asked a lot of questions about my church and what makes it different from all the others around. I was able to share openly and honestly - addressing most of the major issues she has with Christians and church.
And, in response to a previous post: yes, I was safe. I didn't do anything stupid. Nothing got out of hand. There was drinking, but I only had a few over the course of the entire evening. Go me!
The best part is that I had prayed that I'd get a chance to share about Jesus since none of the girls I went with is a believer. And, it happened. We had this long conversation about faith, Jesus, my life, etc while sitting on the porch at like 2 a.m.
Then, the next morning, as my friend J (who was silent during the previous night's conversation and who is a completely non-religious person) and I were driving back to Denver, she asked a lot of questions about my church and what makes it different from all the others around. I was able to share openly and honestly - addressing most of the major issues she has with Christians and church.
Made My Day!
At around 1pm Friday, I got the most delightful surprise! I phone call from my wonderful friend Jennie...all the way from Uganda!
I can't even begin to tell you how lifei-giving it was to hear her voice, to get to have an actual conversation with her...rather than an email or a facebook message. SO GREAT!
An entire month has gone by already. It went so quickly...and so slowly all at once. She's doing well and is where she's supposed to be....but also walking through the joys and pains of transition and homesickness. The only thing that's really changed for me is that she's gone...my entire life hasn't changed....but WOW do I miss her.
Talking to her really made my day!
I can't even begin to tell you how lifei-giving it was to hear her voice, to get to have an actual conversation with her...rather than an email or a facebook message. SO GREAT!
An entire month has gone by already. It went so quickly...and so slowly all at once. She's doing well and is where she's supposed to be....but also walking through the joys and pains of transition and homesickness. The only thing that's really changed for me is that she's gone...my entire life hasn't changed....but WOW do I miss her.
Talking to her really made my day!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Should I be thankful, amused or saddened?
I'm going away with some friends from work this weekend. Just for 24-hours to my good friend JJ's parents' cabin. Just girls. Super chill time. But, I have a meeting Sunday afternoon that I have to get back to Denver for. Here's the conversation as it went with my friend JP (who's a part of the meeting too).
N: Since I didn't hear anything from anyone saying that they couldn't attend, we're planning to go ahead and have our meeting THIS SUNDAY, at 5 pm.
JP: Uh oh. I can't be there... That's not good. Does it work for you to have breakfast on Sunday instead? Are you on the worship team? Shoot me back an email before you start changing everything around...
N: I'm actually going to be out of town from noon Sat through about 2 on Sunday....so I won't even be at church on Sunday.....
JP: Ok...Could we do Sunday @ 2:00 instead? I have a flight leaving @ 7:45... So I should be at the airport @ 6:15... Can you do that?
N: I'm going to the mts with some friends...and I'm not the one who'll be driving. But I think I'll be back by 2. So, why don't we just plan on 2 and you all can start without me. And, I'll just get there as soon as I can. Maybe B can take notes until I get there.... But, that's all assuming that everyone else can do 2 on Sunday. So, should I check with everyone else?
JP: By the way, who are you going to the mountains with? Any other church folks?
N: Nope....just a couple of girlsfriends from work. We've been planning it for about three months....
JP: Cool...Are you being "safe" on this trip? I'd kick myself if I didn't ask and something happened....I'm feeling over protective lately...
That last message was sent after I left work on Wednesday and I didn't check my email again until the next day. So, when I got in, I had the above message and this one:
JP: Did you get this?
---- Original Message -----
Cool...Are you being "safe" on this trip? I'd kick myself if I didn't ask and something happened....I'm feeling over protective lately...
N: I just got both of these.... you make me smile...and I REALLY appreciate the questions and concerns. You can be as over-protective as you'd like. Yes, I'm going to be safe. No guys are going...just a few of my girlfriends. I'll probably have a drink or two over the course of the 24 hours but nothing crazy. We're just hanging out at my friend's parents' cabin - playing games, watching movies, hanging out, enjoying the scenery and enjoying each other. I promise, nothing crazy's going to happen. But, thanks for asking!
Now....JP is like an older brother to me. So wonderful. And he knows all about my time in Chicago and how I partied a little too hard (again, nothing actually crazy...but crazy for me) and didn't make completely wise decisions the entire time and how there was potential for stupid things to have happened with that guy from work that I have a bit of an attraction to (but through God's mercy, nothing did.)
I love that JP's worried about me. (I'm being sincere.) It just makes me laugh/pause for reflection that given my time in Chicago, I'm now being checked on. I like it. It's just interesting to me because I've never had to have these questions asked to me before.
Have I finally crossed over or am I just finally admitting that I'm human and don't always want to do the "right" thing?
N: Since I didn't hear anything from anyone saying that they couldn't attend, we're planning to go ahead and have our meeting THIS SUNDAY, at 5 pm.
JP: Uh oh. I can't be there... That's not good. Does it work for you to have breakfast on Sunday instead? Are you on the worship team? Shoot me back an email before you start changing everything around...
N: I'm actually going to be out of town from noon Sat through about 2 on Sunday....so I won't even be at church on Sunday.....
JP: Ok...Could we do Sunday @ 2:00 instead? I have a flight leaving @ 7:45... So I should be at the airport @ 6:15... Can you do that?
N: I'm going to the mts with some friends...and I'm not the one who'll be driving. But I think I'll be back by 2. So, why don't we just plan on 2 and you all can start without me. And, I'll just get there as soon as I can. Maybe B can take notes until I get there.... But, that's all assuming that everyone else can do 2 on Sunday. So, should I check with everyone else?
JP: By the way, who are you going to the mountains with? Any other church folks?
N: Nope....just a couple of girlsfriends from work. We've been planning it for about three months....
JP: Cool...Are you being "safe" on this trip? I'd kick myself if I didn't ask and something happened....I'm feeling over protective lately...
That last message was sent after I left work on Wednesday and I didn't check my email again until the next day. So, when I got in, I had the above message and this one:
JP: Did you get this?
---- Original Message -----
Cool...Are you being "safe" on this trip? I'd kick myself if I didn't ask and something happened....I'm feeling over protective lately...
N: I just got both of these.... you make me smile...and I REALLY appreciate the questions and concerns. You can be as over-protective as you'd like. Yes, I'm going to be safe. No guys are going...just a few of my girlfriends. I'll probably have a drink or two over the course of the 24 hours but nothing crazy. We're just hanging out at my friend's parents' cabin - playing games, watching movies, hanging out, enjoying the scenery and enjoying each other. I promise, nothing crazy's going to happen. But, thanks for asking!
Now....JP is like an older brother to me. So wonderful. And he knows all about my time in Chicago and how I partied a little too hard (again, nothing actually crazy...but crazy for me) and didn't make completely wise decisions the entire time and how there was potential for stupid things to have happened with that guy from work that I have a bit of an attraction to (but through God's mercy, nothing did.)
I love that JP's worried about me. (I'm being sincere.) It just makes me laugh/pause for reflection that given my time in Chicago, I'm now being checked on. I like it. It's just interesting to me because I've never had to have these questions asked to me before.
Have I finally crossed over or am I just finally admitting that I'm human and don't always want to do the "right" thing?
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Arvada Harvest Festival Parade
Every year, my church takes part in our town's fair. And, for the past three years, we've had a float in the parade. This year was definitely our best attempt. (I don't have any pictures of last year's but here are some from 2005: here, here and here.) The theme of the parade was "Let's Dance" and we decided to put an 80's spin on it. Our band (all members of our worship team) did some great 80's cover songs - including Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer," New Wave's "Video Killed the Radio Star," and Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" among others. Plus, we had about 10 people dancing in front of and around the float, handing out candy. It was hilarous and wonderful and so fun!
I really hope that people saw the joy we carried - even as we looked ridiculous - and can attribute that joy to Jesus. We'll see...
But, here are some pictures:
I really hope that people saw the joy we carried - even as we looked ridiculous - and can attribute that joy to Jesus. We'll see...
But, here are some pictures:
The Float
Although I wore my hair like this back in the 80's, I'm certainly glad it's not so popular anymore! My friend Angie did a great job as Cyndi Lauper, didn't she?
Some of the groupies/dancers, Carrie and Christina.
Some of the guys in the band, Jon and Josh.
Wow...I think we pulled this off a little too well. Funny, though, huh? :)
Thursday, September 6, 2007
All Over the Place
It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I've been all over the place mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And, I haven't even been capable of really articulating what's been going on - thus very few posts. All I know is that I haven't felt like myself, thought like myself or even acted like myself.
Today's the first day that I can say this with any modicum of confidence: I really believe that Jesus is doing something substantial, monumental and super important...even though at times I've definitely felt like I'm just going crazy (literally, one night last week, I got in my car and burst into tears - for no then conscious reason (and it WASN'T hormones!) - and said out loud, "I have no idea what's wrong with me...I must be going crazy").
I can't even tell you what it is He's doing....'cuz I actually have no idea what the end result will be. But, I'm sure it's going to be good. I'm sure that much of the stuff I've been saying - about my crazy schedule, my busyness, tiredness, constant striving and beginnings of understanding my motivations for things all play a part...but I think that whatever He's doing is much broader than that.
What I can say with certainty is that it's always in times like these that I forget WHO God is. I forget His character - His love, His kindness, His goodness, His good intentions, His truth, His mercy, His forgiveness, His purposes, His grace, His plans. And, I forget how He sees me and how I have known Him and seen Him. It all gets fuzzy. It all gets skewed. It all seems so flimsy...when it's the true subtance of life.
So, for the past few days, He's really been reminding me of who He is....and honestly, that's been annoying at times because I've had lots of questions that I've wanted Him to answer. But, instead, once again - as I've said numerous times during many other trying times in my life - He been answering with truer, more important and more relevant answers...reminding me of who He is and how much He loves me.
And, I know that the other answers will come, just when they're supposed to and not a minute sooner. I've been fighting Him, fighting against something I knew that I'd inevitably lose to and I've finally surrendered...because I've finally remembered that He really is trustworthy, He really is loving, He really does care about my heart, He really does pursue me and He really has my best intentions at heart....and I'm back to being simply His little girl, deeply loved and wrapped up in His arms. It probably sounds a little silly or gooey....but, it's true. Nothing else really matters...it ALL pales in comparison to knowing His love.
I do have to say, though - I feel like I'm always having these DRAMATIC issues in my life....always struggling with these HUGE things. And, either I'm just a super emotional, dramatic person who makes a big deal out of very little or I'm a really honest person with whom Jesus is able to do a lot of big, deep things. I often feel like I'm the former....but I'm hoping I'm actually the latter.....
Today's the first day that I can say this with any modicum of confidence: I really believe that Jesus is doing something substantial, monumental and super important...even though at times I've definitely felt like I'm just going crazy (literally, one night last week, I got in my car and burst into tears - for no then conscious reason (and it WASN'T hormones!) - and said out loud, "I have no idea what's wrong with me...I must be going crazy").
I can't even tell you what it is He's doing....'cuz I actually have no idea what the end result will be. But, I'm sure it's going to be good. I'm sure that much of the stuff I've been saying - about my crazy schedule, my busyness, tiredness, constant striving and beginnings of understanding my motivations for things all play a part...but I think that whatever He's doing is much broader than that.
What I can say with certainty is that it's always in times like these that I forget WHO God is. I forget His character - His love, His kindness, His goodness, His good intentions, His truth, His mercy, His forgiveness, His purposes, His grace, His plans. And, I forget how He sees me and how I have known Him and seen Him. It all gets fuzzy. It all gets skewed. It all seems so flimsy...when it's the true subtance of life.
So, for the past few days, He's really been reminding me of who He is....and honestly, that's been annoying at times because I've had lots of questions that I've wanted Him to answer. But, instead, once again - as I've said numerous times during many other trying times in my life - He been answering with truer, more important and more relevant answers...reminding me of who He is and how much He loves me.
And, I know that the other answers will come, just when they're supposed to and not a minute sooner. I've been fighting Him, fighting against something I knew that I'd inevitably lose to and I've finally surrendered...because I've finally remembered that He really is trustworthy, He really is loving, He really does care about my heart, He really does pursue me and He really has my best intentions at heart....and I'm back to being simply His little girl, deeply loved and wrapped up in His arms. It probably sounds a little silly or gooey....but, it's true. Nothing else really matters...it ALL pales in comparison to knowing His love.
I do have to say, though - I feel like I'm always having these DRAMATIC issues in my life....always struggling with these HUGE things. And, either I'm just a super emotional, dramatic person who makes a big deal out of very little or I'm a really honest person with whom Jesus is able to do a lot of big, deep things. I often feel like I'm the former....but I'm hoping I'm actually the latter.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)