Significant Progress, Part 1

So much has advanced and changed in just 24 hours that I can hardly believe it. I'm sitting here in awe as I realize that I'm already starting to not just see, but to tangibly experience and flesh out answers to the things I've been consciously wrestling with for the past six weeks (but only just shared in my last post) but that have been underlying issues to so much else I've struggled with for years.

For most of these last six weeks as I've wrestled with these issues, I really lost sight of who God was and who He was to me specifically. I questioned Him, His goodness, His character, His care for me and honestly lost hope for many of the things that He'd promised me over the years. I was exhausted, disillusioned, disconnected from Him and really just lost.

But, now, looking back, I can see how pivitol and truly vital the struggle has been. That, although it was so dark and dispairing (I don't know how to explain how apathetic, listless and passionless I've been...it was bad), the result is so much more freeing and hopeful than I could have ever imagined it to be. And, the reality is: I still don't have much nailed down...but, major things have shifted and/or are in process....I finally have peace again, settledness again, vision, direction, hope....answers.....reconnection with Jesus. It's good. Really good.

I met with Jay for lunch yesterday. And, even though I was about to present something major to him - dropping off of the council - I had such peace. The process that I'd been on and the conclusions I was drawing and honing in on made such sense to me and I felt like I was getting so much confirmation from Jesus that I really felt at peace...and knew that things would ultimately be okay with Jay and my role at the church. The one underlying issue that I had...and one that I didn't present in my last blog entry...was the fact that in part, my role as a council member meant that I got to pastor those overseeing worship, audiovisual and women's ministry. And, that part of being a council member was actually really fulfilling....but the parts that weighed me down far out-weighed that benefit. I was bogged down by the admin side of it and the responsibility that I felt to make sure that everything was working well in those ministry areas.

So, at lunch, I explained everything and the entire process I've been on....the journey to figure out what's good vs great/right...what Jesus really had for me in this season, etc....and how, though I'm still processing, the conclusion I'm leaning toward is to step off the council entirely and really plug into counseling and worship...and that I think that I'd like to have the transition complete by the end of this calendar year....that ultimately, I may be good at admin stuff but actually don't really like it nor am I energized by it. I shared an example of a past ministry experience of how vital the people factor is for me and how much I dislike the admin stuff in ministry situations.

He was so great...really listening to everything I had to say, not reacting or freaking out...but seeking to understand. He validated so much of what I said and was shocked by the fact that I don't like admin stuff... He didn't know that but totally accepted it and understood it. He kept saying that ultimately he wants me to be where I'm supposed to be and where God has for me to be...and that if that means walking away from the council entirely, that's what needs to happen. But, he also said that he wanted to pray about it and include the assistant pastor, Steve, in on it to pray and process. He said that he wanted to be careful and not have me throw out the baby with the bathwater - meaning, yes, getting rid of the admin responsiblities - that that'd be no problem at all (that maybe my time in that role was to help architect and build the system...but not maintain it) - but maybe not getting rid of the oversight/discipling piece with worship and women's ministry.

And, to be honest, that feels really good and really right. That's something I can totally do...where I'm still getting to love on those ministry coordinators and pour into their lives...but that that's all I have to do. That releases ALL the burden and pressure that I'm feeling right now.

So, we're still praying about the complete specific details and time-table...but we're going in the right direction. And, it was so unbelievably encouraging, validating and freeing to have Jay resonate and support the journey I've been on, the conclusions I've come to and all that Jesus is doing in me.

Overall, I can just see how much sense and how healthy this entire process has made/been...everything, even all the craziness in Chicago and the crisis it brought to me to have to really look at things and make some changes. To re-evaluate my calling and purpose. To wrestle with my motivations. To learn that it's okay to say no to things and to learn how to put margins in my life. It's been so freeing to actually start making some of my own things priorities (like working out three times a week, for instance) and not feel guilty or bad about it.

I can see so much change in me and how I respond to things...even in a few short weeks. I feel like something in me broke....like I was freed of some burdens and mistaken thinking/living patterns.... my motivations have changed and I'm not so worried about pleasing others or making myself appear a certain way for acceptance/approval. I don't know any other way to say it, other than It's just really good. Things feel right and more aligned and back to normal...yet healthier and more right than they ever have before. It's just really good.

And, all that I've shared is just one part of the past 24 hours.