In my time with Jesus lately, I've been studying in the book of Galatians. It's been a really good study for me - as it talks so much about freedom from the law and the fruit of the spirit and such. That's been so beneficial as Jesus frees me of my my performance issues.
Earlier this week, I had to use a different Bible (I'd left mine in my car the night before and didn't want to go out in the cold to get it at 6 in the morning). As I paged through my very worn Women's Devotional Bible (that I had used in college) and opened to the chapter I was reading in Galatians, the devotional below essentially jumped off the page for me.
Christianity isn't a narcotic that dulls you into obedience. It involves battle - it's excruciating to give up control. But that is why we must not feel despair if we are struggling. To struggle does not mean we are incorrigible. It means we are alive!
A disciple says, "I hear you, Lord. It's the nuttiest thing I ever heard of. It's risky. I'll look like a fool but I'll do it. Because my life is no longer committed to doing my thing but Your thing." Heaven will not be filled with innocent people, running around saying "Oh, was there another way? I guess I never noticed." Rather, they will say, "You bet there were other options that begged to control me. By God's grace and my struggle, Jesus is my Lord."
Is Jesus' desire to be the Lord of our lives some little fetish of His? Why is it so important to Him? Why should we want Him to have control of our lives? Besides the fact that He deserves it because of who He is, He knows He is the only one in the universe who can control us without destroying us. No one will ever love you like Jesus. No one will ever know you better, care more for you wholeness. The last breath Jesus breathed on this planet was for you. Jesus will meet you wherever you are and He will help you. He is not intimidated by past failure, broken promises or wounds. He will make sense out of your brokenness. But He can only begin to be the Lord of your life today, not next Monday or next month, but now.
The great and joyful paradox is that while He totally transforms us He makes us more ourselves than ever before.
The writer's words were like balm to my soul. To be reminded (and honestly, to probably begin to really grasp and embrace for the first time) that the struggle to choose obedience is actually okay is huge for me. So encouraging, so freeing.
For the past few months, I've felt so guilty as I've struggled so much each day to consciously choose to do what I know to be right, to do what I know Jesus is asking of me. It's never been this difficult before in my entire life. But, I think it's because it's the first time ever that I'm actually being myself, being free, finally living and admitting who I am and what I want.
Until recently, I really was numb to my own desires or to any options other than doing exactly what Jesus wanted all the time. Of course, even now, in my heart of hearts, I still do want to do all that He's asking of me. BUT, the struggle to choose that when other options and alternatives seem so attractive in the moment is so much more real than I'd ever realized or experienced before. And, I think that as I've felt that struggle more and more, I'd begun to think that something was wrong with me, that my faith had swayed, that I was getting closer to walking away from Jesus than growing closer to Him, that I was getting apathetic and letting "the world" overtake me.
But, what He's been showing me - these past few weeks specifically- is that I'm actually growing closer to Him now than I've ever been before because the choice is so much harder, because the real me is choosing Him (or at least trying to) - not some emotionally numb individual who's so desperate for acceptance and love that she thinks perfection is the only way to receive those things. I'm so much more aware of my own desires, my sinfulness and my humanity and am still (trying to) choose Him and His ways. I'm seeing more my need for His grace than ever before. I'm seeing how deep His love really is; how gentle, compassionate, patient and kind He truly is. It is a battle. But, it's producing in me a deeper love and appreciation for who Jesus really is than I've had before and also a softness and settledness in my person that translates into a much nicer, more peaceful, fun and real person than I've ever been before.
This is hard. But, as I feel like I say at naseum, it's also really good.
2 comments:
I am really glad that you read a different Bible and were able to read this devotional. It really spoke to me as well. I feel like you and I are going through some similar things (well at least what I can tell from what you write on here). Keep on the journey girl, and keep fighting that battle!!
wow, Natalie, this is really profound!
I, too, love Galatians. It was earth-shattering for me to read and study during Lent last year--part of the huge paradigm shift away from acceptance-on-the-basis-of-performance. One of my favorite parts--I don't usually use The Message but I love the way he paraphases this part:
"...it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. ...For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough [or good enough] to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it?" (Galatians 3:1,3, The Message)
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