No real update

I don't really have anything monumental to share...and, honestly, all the things I alluded to in the last post are still in the works...nothing's finalized yet.

But, rather than keeping some of you hanging, I thought I'd write simply to say that I'm still here and still trying to figure out which end is up.

I feel like I'm swinging from one extreme to the other - wanting to make drastic changes in my life and then wanting to change things back, all the while questioning everything...and I know it's because my relationship with Jesus is completely off-center. So, for the next few weeks, I'm going to focus simply on restoring that part of my life and then figure out what's next. Through the busyness and chaos of my life these past few months, I've managed to squelch out the One who is the most important to my very physical, mental and spiritual survival. I've got to get that back on track. That's priority number one.

And, once things have stabilized in my heart, mind and spirit, I'll share more about what in the world I've been alluding to....

Freaking Out

Why is change so scary, even when it's the right kind of change?

I actually know that answer...it has to do with comfort zones and the unknown, etc etc etc.

But, wow, I'm full of anxiety and need today. I'm excited about the potential of some changes that are coming. But at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind of the unknown. I know this is where faith comes in and believing that God's in control...but I'm still freaking out. I can feel the weight on my chest getting heavier and heavier....I hate this feeling.

It's in these moments that I have to remember past moments when I've been in this same place, feeling these same things. It's been in this place of not quite knowing what's next that God's done some of the most remarkable and fantastic things in my life. He's always been faithful....even when I'm far from faithful myself.

Yet, even knowing that, I'm freaking out....I'm about to make some changes in my life without having the certainty of the outcome.... There are certainly some things I'm hoping for but none of those are guaranteed. And so, one more time, I'm about to take a step without knowing exactly where it'll lead me....

And, pair that with really understanding my (unhealthy) motivation for all the busyness in my life - basically a desire to feel like I matter to people...I don't think that I'd have ever acknowledged before now that the main reason I'm so busy, doing so many things and flitting around from person to person is simply in an attempt to prove that I matter and have value...I've found my identity in all that I'm doing, rather than in simply WHO I am. So, all that's coming to the surface and it's jacking me up. I'm excited to be free of lving that lie but the process through which I have to go to get there is anything but fun.

I really like freedom but the cost is so high. (novel thought, I know....)

Part 3: Visiting Friends from College

It probably comes as no surprise that my life's a little overwhelming and out of control right now. My schedule is crazy. I'm overcommitted. I'm exhausted. And, until this FANTASTIC and MUCH NEEDED weekend with from friends from college, I didn't see a way out or an end in sight.

But, Jesus is very merciful to me. My time in Fort Wayne was ordained by God, I'm sure of it.

First, Thursday night, I drove about an hour outside of Chicago and spent the night at my friend Laura's house. We were good friends our freshman year, before she transferred to the main campus. And, somehow, through the years, we've managed to keep in touch. It'd been about three years since I'd seen her and it was so wonderful. Her house is so cute, dinner was wonderful and conversation was even better.

Here we are (and look, we're even super cute early in the morning!):

Friday morning, I left her house to drive to Fort Wayne. It should have taken me about four hours. Instead, it took EIGHT. Traffic was horrible on one of the interstates....as a result of really bad rain storms the night before. The highway was closed but there were no signs indicating such things. I literally sat with the car in "park" for the better part of three hours. It took me three hours to go about five miles. Agh! But, it was really good time for me to just decompress and process the full week I'd had in Chicago and the craziness that is my life right now.

When I finally did get into Fort Wayne, I pulled up to my mentor Carin's house and felt the relief wash over me. Not just relief to get to my destination but much moreso, to know that I was with someone who really knew me, had history with me and in so many ways is like a mother to me. I knew that by the time I left her house that weekend, I'd feel a bit more like myself and have a handle on the insanity that had become my life. (High hopes, huh?)

Dinner that night with Carin and Tom was wonderful. They just let me pour out all the stuff going on in my head and heart. They helped me process things. Spoke much needed truth. Gave me perspective that I obviously haven't been able to see myself. And, shared thoughts and advice. SO HELPFUL. I really did feel like even in those first few hours, a plan was beginning to emerge to make more sense of my life and to bring more peace to it. I began to understand my motivations - why I overcommit and and flit around from friend to friend to friend without really going deep with anyone (or if I do, without sticking around long enough to see what they do with my sharing my heart to them). It was good.

Saturday morning, I spent a few hours with one of my old college roommates, Jenny, and her three kids. I loved seeing her, seeing her beautiful kids and seeing how she's so settled into life. She may have a busy life...but it's not harried, anxious or shallow. I saw in her something I long for - far more than simply having a husband and some children (though I want those things desperately) : she was enjoying and actually living and experiencing the life she has. She has a contentedness and a connectedness that I dream of but don't have now...even as I do so much and have so many great people in my life.

Then, that afternoon, I walked around my old college campus for a little while. It's changed so much. Plus, I just can't believe how such a small campus held such a huge part of my life for four years. I loved those four years....God did so much in me during those four years. But wow....it's changed so much and I'm glad I'm not there anymore.

After walking around the campus, I was able to reconnect with one of the guys I took to East Asia to teach English a few years ago. It was great to spend some time with Amos and to meet his lovely wife Ashley. (I forgot to get a picture of us all!!!)

And that evening, I had dinner and hung out with another former college roommate, Natalie (yeah, we made things fun for everyone! :) ) and her husband (and my friend) Jeremy. Dinner was yummy. And far better was hanging out with them for hours, hearing how they're doing, sharing my life, pouring over yearbooks and trying to find out what other classmates have been up to for the past few years. It was awesome to reconnect.

And again, just as with Jenny earlier in the day and with Amos and Ashley earlier that afternoon, I saw a settledness, a calmness, a contentedness in Natalie and Jeremy that I just don't have. That's not to say that all of their lives are easy or problem-free. Far from it. But, there was this elusive peace and settledness that they all had (and so did Tom and Carin) that I just don't have.

The next morning, I visited my old church - a church where God did so much in me and showed me so many models that I've taken to my current church. I love that place. And those people. But, it's changed. And so have I. It was fantastic to go back. And, it was fantastic to realize that I really am where I belong right now.

Then, I raced back to Chicago to catch my flight to Denver. No traffic - woo hoo! And, now...back into the chaos that is my life.

But....changes are coming. I've even plugged back into my life at a much slower pace in the few days I've been back. Hopefully, I can keep this up and actually follow through on the plan that developed while I was in Fort Wayne. We'll see....

Part 2: Afterhours With My Co-Workers

The people I work with work very hard and play very hard, as evidenced by our evenings in Chicago.

Sunday night was supposed to be a night out for me and my close girlfriends. We've joked for months about going to keroke sometime...so we thought it'd be great to do while in Chicago. Unfortunately, there were no keroke bars open on Sunday night....so, after trying to go to a piano bar (for which we were under-dressed and not allowed in!), we decided on a local Irish pub/restaurant. But, by that time, our group grew from five or six to about 30 or 40! Here are a few pictures:

Sunday night was by far the tamest night of the week.

Monday night, I went out for some delicious Thai food with my HR team friends. Then, my roommate Hillary and I met up with some folks at a local pub. The others at the pub were all part of a "pub crawl" - which basically means that they rented a trolly that took them from pub to pub to pub all night. We were not a part of that! We simply stayed at the one bar with a few folks. It was a great, great night! The six or so of us just hung out, talked and laughed for hours! We didn't get back to the hotel until about 1:30 but Hillary and I were WIDE AWAKE so we ended up talking in bed 'til about 3 am (yes...I was EXHAUSTED the next day...and for the rest of the week).

Tuesday night, I walked around Michgan Avenue with a few friends, had a quick dinner and then went back to the hotel. I wasn't sure I was going to go out but when Hillary got back from dinner with her sister, she suggested we see what some of the guys were up to. So, we did. And, let me tell you....this was by far the most fun I've had in a very long time and I was completely out of my league the entire night.

It's a long story but we somehow ended up at the newest, most exclusive club in the city. We were personally escorted to our friends' table. The bouncers were about 8 ft tall and 3 ft wide. We had a waiter at our beck and call - devoted exclusively to the 10 of us. We ordered a $300 bottle of vodka to share and one of the guys ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne. There were girls just walking around in hot pants and some go-go dancers. There was even a woman in the bathroom who's sole job was to greet you and hand out paper towels after you've washed your hands. It was way more swanky than anywhere I'd ever been (or will probably ever be again). And none of us was dressed appropriately - I was in a little hawaiian summery dress!

I had so much fun with my coworkers that night. I even danced (Jennie, can you believe it?!) It's been a very long time since I just had that much fun and let my hair down that much. While I don't think I'll be doing anything even remotely close to that evening's festivities again for a long time, it was still one of the highlights of the week.

Wednesday night was the final night of the retreat so my company planned a dinner cruise on Lake Michigan for us all. And, to make it a little more exciting, it was a masquerade party. It was pretty fun! Here are some pictures:

And, after the cruise, most everyone (though, thankfully NOT me...there's no way I could have done it) went out to a salsa dancing bar. I think they were out until like 3 or 4. Crazy. But, I'm sure it was fun!

All in all, I had a great time...though, I probably didn't make the best decisions all the time. Nothing terrible happened...and in comparison to a lot of the stories I heard from/about other people, my entire week was super tame. But, for me, it was probably more partying and ridiculousness than I've ever done in my life....definitely making up for no partying in high school, college or my early 20's. Okay...maybe not (since I didn't really do all that much this past week) but for me, it was a lot. And, it'll probably be the end of such things for a looooooooong time.

Part 1: The Work Design Retreat

Like I said in a recent post, my seven days in the midwest felt more like three lifetimes.

It's very true.

And the only rational way to share about the trip is to break it into those three parts.

So, first, the Actual Work Design Retreat - afterall, that's the whole reason I was away in the first place, right?

The retreat itself was really fantastic. My company went above and beyond all expectations - closing down all seven of our offices and flying every single member of the staff to Chicago for the retreat. It was four-and-a-half days long and jam-packed of really wonderful content.

The four guiding principles of our company - things we strive to focus on with every project we do - are environment, art, economics and community. Last year, the design retreat was focused on environment and art. This year, economics and community. And, I've got to say, I LOVED IT!

We toured Chicago - seeing examples of really well-planned parks and communities and some of the poorest neighborhoods in Chicago and heard what's being done to revitalize those places. Especially significant was seeing Cabrini Green, the notorious public housing neighborhood. It's crazy what they're doing there...crazy but good.

And we sat in sessions for long days talking about community and economics. I know that doesn't sound so fantastic but honestly, it was great. And, though it's a little difficult to try to explain right now, the entire experience made me want to actually play a bigger role in the work my company does - to do something more significant than answering phones- and to actually contribute to actual projects. And, so I'm investigating ways that can happen. There are some options for me...but nothing concrete is happening yet. I'll keep you posted on if/when something develops.

I guess, all in all, the retreat made me appreciate and respect what it is that our company really does...and to want to be a part of it in a grander way. Some people say that our company's like a cult or something...because everyone's so positive about it and because they indoctrinate everyone with their design philosophy. There's some truth to that, I guess. But, while it's definitely not a perfect company, they're really doign some great stuff. It's a privilege to work for them.

Saying Goodbye

I've been talking about this for months...but it's finally happened. Jennie left for Uganda a little over a week ago.


I'm not sure that I can adequately articulate how excited I am for her and how sad I am for me. I miss her SO MUCH already (but thank goodness for email and Facebook!).


Over the past few months, there've been a myriad of goodbye parties for her. First, there was the surprise one before she left for her training in Switzerland:


Then, of course, there was our entire trip to Italy. I've already posted all the pictures and talked about that a whole lot.


Then, two weeks ago, there was a large, 'official' goodbye party.



And, then, the night before she left, there was the final sushi dinner (I couldn't go because of my VLI intensive) and then the Ben & Jerry's Feast/Friends Marathon with Jennie, Tiffani and I.



Gosh...so many events in an attempt to spend time with someone so dear to so many people. So many words spoken about how much she means to me/us, how blessed the people of MedAir and Uganda are to have her with them for this (at least a) year and just how wonderful she really is. But, all the events and all the words seem so pithy, so not enough.


It was excrutiatingly difficult to hug her for that last time that Saturday morning. I drove to my VLI intensive sobbing, barely able to see the road. And, truth be told, it wasn't really a goodbye - as in, we'll never see each other again. But, more of the "I'll see you in a few months." But, the idea of these next (at least) 12 months without seeing her and being in the same room with her makes me so sad - even if we will get to communicate via Skype and the Web. I've loved being Jennie's roommate for three of the six years I've lived here and it's just plain weird without her here. There's a definite hole in my life now.


I'm so very excited for her - to know that she's where she ought to be, doing what she was made to do. She's such an amazing woman of compassion, wisdom, generosity, kindness, fun, prayer and love....and to know that she's finally living out something she's wrestled with, investigated and prepared for is so awesome and such an example to me. I think I'd be mad at her if she didn't go pursue this....if she stayed in Denver and denyed this call on her life. But, wow...I do still miss her even if she is where she belongs for this season.


She's been one of the key people who's shown me it's okay to be me - whoever and whatever that looks like. She's shown me the value of simplicity, prayer, faith and loving people unconditionally. She's helped me gain the confidence to believe that I matter to people - the big and the small things in my life, she's always been interested in. And, she's been really fantastic at kicking my butt and putting some cold hard reality into my life when I need it.


I'm making this post sound like a memorial or something...and goodness knows she's not gone permantently or even out of my life for the next 12 months. But, things just different for a while...and that makes me sad! I really miss her!!

One week away? It feels more like three lifetimes....

I'm back, safe and sound - albeit exhausted, from my trip to Chicago and Fort Wayne. And, like the title says, even if I was only gone for seven days, it truly feels like about three lifetimes.

And, maybe that's because there were three distinct parts....the actual work design retreat (the whole reason I was in Chicago in the first place), the afterhours time with co-workers in Chicago, and then my time visiting friends from my college years. It was sure a busy, tumultuous and exciting seven days.

I'll share more about my time away in a upcoming (maybe even today) post. But, just wanted everyone to know that I made it through my crazy weekend before leaving for Chicago and have also made it through my time IN Chicago.

Crazy!

There's lots to say...just no time to say it.

And, there's a good chance there won't be time for another week or more. I'm off to Chicago and Fort Wayne on Sunday...but the pile of things to get through before I get on that plane is overwhelming....

• Tonight: dinner with some of my classmates and our instructor
• Tonight: VLI intensive
• Tonight: Jennie's final goodbye with her closest girlfriends before she leaves for Uganda tomorrow morning
• Tomorrow: VLI intensive
• Tomorrow: writing a VLI report
• Tomorrow: packing
• Tomorrow: finding someone to house- and cat-sit while I'm away
• Tomorrow: cleaning my house
• Tomorrow: dinner and movie with a friend and former co-worker

If I don't die between now and Sunday morning, it'll be a miracle.

AGH!!!!!

Undisciplined

For the past six or eight years, most of the major things that God's been working out in my life have been emotional - uncovering emotional wounds and judgments and getting healing from them. Learning (and choosing to learn) how to think differently, process differently, live differently.

While I'm not naive enough to think that there'll never be times in my life where I go through emotional pain, processing and healing again, it seems that - at least for now - that season is over. Now we're working on and I'm growing in much more practical, life skills sorts of ways. Those are the things I'm being challenged on, being taught and trying to learn and incorporate into my life.

In one sense, some of this stuff is a little embarrassing - shouldn't I have learned this before my late 20's? But on the other hand I'm acutely aware that I'd not have learned it well or embraced it in the right fashion/for the right motivations had I not had the season of tearing up and rebuilding.

Anyway, the big lesson right now is that I'm a terribly undisciplined person. Pick an area of my life and there really aren't any long term disciplines that I follow or embrace.

Let's see...I'm not disciplined with my:

• Time
• Money
• Relationships
• Relationship with Jesus
• Body (working out or eating well consistently)
• House
• Work
• Church commitments and service
• VLI

That's been surprising to most people I've mentioned it to. Most people look at how well my life has turned out, how administrative I am, how well I follow process, etc and think that I'm a really disciplined person.

But, it's not true. I rely on my ability to multitask and my ability to do things well and quickly. I don't build margins in any part of my life - even to the point where I aim to always be ON TIME for things but never a minute early (which is to my detriment if I hit traffic or a snare of some sort). When I have a little unexpected extra money, I spend it. If I have a few hours here or there, I fill them with something (except late at night, at which point, I end up vegging out in front of the TV rather than going to bed at a decent hour). I work out and eat well for seasons...but make "exceptions" all the time. My house isn't dirty...but, especially since I don't have a roommate right now, it's messy all the time. I'm inconsistent with nearly all the relationships in my life...most especially Jesus (which I mentioned in my previous post).

I'm really making an effort to be more disciplined now. I realize that if I attempt to tackle all of these things at once, I'm going to fail miserably. But, I also realize that if I don't attempt to start tackling this problem at all - one step at a time - I'm going to be worse off down the line than I am now....and, quite frankly, everything feels so out of control and with no foundation right now that I need to attempt to address the things I can control - to the best of my abilities - right now before it gets worse and before I have a family of my own to manage too. So, the first thing I'm going to address is my relationship with Jesus and the time I spend with Him. That has to come first as everything else in my life stems from that.

I found a podcast that Andy Stanley's doing at his church, North Point Community Church right now called "Taking it to the Limits" and it's been amazing. Basically points out, using lots of real life and Biblical examples, that though we were all created with or given certain capacities for things (talents, time, energy, resources, money, etc) that doesn't mean we were meant to live to that capacity...but to build margins in our lives.

He goes on to say a lot more (and I've only listened to one of the six teachings so far). But everything I've heard to this point has made an impression upon me - explaining motivations behind why we take things to the limits and the main things that are effected by our living that way. It's been so good for me.

So, please pray with me that I'll become a more disciplined person, that the principles that I'm picking up from this podcast and from friends whom I respect would actually be put into practice and change my life...rather than just being added to the pile of good information and ideas I just have laying in the recesses of my brain doing nothing.

I got some sleep

...and so I'm not nearly as grumpy and whiney today. Aren't you thrilled? :)

The test went well...I think. Although I griped about how much time it took to catch up and to actually really learn the information - rather than simply regurgitating facts for an exam - I have really enjoyed the info that I'm learning this quarter. And, I love how it's all working together - the two classes (church history and theology with systematic theology) really play off of each other well. I like having to interact with the material and really come to terms with what I believe and how what I'm reading/learning affects how I do ministry and live life.

In other news - although this will seem like a no-brainer to many of you - I'm realizing afresh how absolutely vital my time and intimacy with Jesus really is. I think it was Bill Hybels (of Willow Creek Community Church) who wrote a book called Too Busy NOT to Pray. I've never read it but would said that I agreed with the sentiment. Now, I not only agree with the sentiment but am desperate to live that way....and I should probably read the book, huh?

I'm not proud to admit this but I find that I always default to putting my time with the Lord on the back burner when the rest of my life gets out of control. And, in the back of my head I find myself rationalizing it by saying that it's okay...that I'm still talking with God during the day...that a few days won't make a difference...etc.

But, then, as issues and situations arise, I find myself not trusting my own responses or I find myself having these irrational thoughts, feelings and responses to things....and because I typically am a very discerning person, I tend to really trust and believe those thoughts, feelings and responses in the moment...then I look back later and realize that I was being irrational or off the wall. And it's been happening more and more lately.

Yesterday, I was out of control...and far worse than even that last post would have seemed to indicate. And, yes, a big part of it was because I've been going non-stop and am really physically, mentally and emotionally tired. But, it's really also because I've spent zero time with Jesus lately. I've been doing a lot of stuff for or about Him but nothing with Him. (It seems I get in these patterns far too often and far too easily.)

So...here's to hoping that I've finally (begun to) get this through my thick skull for real this time. That my low key evening with a friend tonight and then an entire day with nothing on the calendar tomorrow will help me get my priorities and life re-aligned with Jesus.

I can hope, can't I? :)

I'm tired and I'm ranting....

I'm tired.

So I'm grumpy.

And, I have that feeling I always had in college at the end of the semeseter when everything was due: pressure in my chest and the desire to just run from all of it, ignore it and not really care how I do combined with a ridiculous sense of responsibility and a desire to be a perfectionist...to prove that I can actually do it (whatever "it" happens to be) really well.

I have a VLI midterm tonight. One for which I've barely studied and one for which the format has changed (read: gotten harder) since the last quarter.

This quarter didn't start out well for me - considering I missed the first two lectures (of Church History...our weekly class) because I was in Italy and considering that I didn't know until the night of the third lecture whether I was going to do VLI this quarter anyhow.

Then, we've had technology problems....DVD players not working at the church, etc. So, we ended up having to listen to the third lecture on our own. Then, one of the intenstive lectures (systematic theology) skipped out on an entire section of the DVD...so one more we had to listen to on our own.

So, in the midst of my already-chaotic life, I had to find time to catch up on two weeks' worth of reading, three and a half lectures (at two hours each) and then study. And, the format's gotten harder because the classes are now really being offered as college credit for some seminaries (Asbury Seminary being the main one). That's great in the long run (not that I think that I'm going to ever pursue a graduate degree...).

As I shared in a previous post, I actually really like the content of these classes...but it's just a lot to take in in a short amount of time (which I don't have a lot of anyway). And, with the new format, we actually have to interact with the content and reading a lot more and form our own (supported) opinions. Like I said, really great in the long run. But, right now it's all just super irritating....I'm NOT prepared for this test at all. And, when I start to feel like this, I get the aforementioned pressure in my chest and sense of overwhelming to the point where I decide that I just don't care.

But obviously I do care...or I'd not be irritated and venting here.

Let's just add one more thing - I've been studying late at night (since I've had council meetings and harvest festival meetings and all) so I'm absolutely exhausted. Then grumpy at work. Then absent-minded at work. It's a beautiful cycle.

And, another thing: I've got a TON of stuff to do for church in the next few weeks....there are so many exciting, exciting things happening and we're shifting into lots of exciting stuff...but of course, that means a lot of work. Right now. So that we're ready for the "launch" in September. And, I'm tired.

Plus (this is the last thing, I swear), I'm going to Chicago for work in two weeks and since I'll probably have limited, if any, internet access (or time to even look at a computer) I have to get everything done before I leave. And, I want (lots of) time to spend with my dear, dear, dear friend Jennie before she leaves for (at least) an entire year in those two weeks too.

I'd cancel my trip if I could....but I can't. Yet, the one exciting piece of being in Chicago is that I'm going to get to go back to Fort Wayne and visit with some equally dear friends that I've not seen in more than three years. That's going to be wonderful. And, even last night at the Council meeting, while I was getting prayer for my anxiety about all of this, the Lord spoke so sweetly that this upcoming trip will be a blessing for me...that He has something special for me while I'm there.

And, that's super exciting.

But, that's only if I can get through the next two weeks alive and/or without having a heart attack. Or if I can get some sleep.

Okay...this rant is officially over.