Telling My Story, Part 2

While this isn't exactly the way in which I'd share my story with someone verbally, and, if I were to truly write the entire thing out it would quite literally fill up an entire book (which I do plan on writing some day), I think this is a good basic synopsis of why I follow Jesus. Imagine I'm in mid-coversation with someone...

Have you ever wondered why I live the way I do? Why I say I'm a follower of Jesus? Have you ever wondered what the allure was? I mean, we're good friends. You see the way I live my life. We've talked. You know my values and how I fill my time. And, I think it's safe to say you don't think I'm crazy. In fact, I've actually heard you say, "Yes, she's a Christian but she's the coolest Christian I've ever met." So, I know you like me and see me differently from other people who call themselves a Christian. But, have you ever wondered why I live, talk and think this way?

It all comes down to one thing. Unconditional love. I know that sounds super cheesey. But, it's true.

I was raised in what I like to call the "most functional disfunctional family" you'll ever encounter. We're a big, gregarious, fun, caring, classy, crazy bunch - imagine My Big Fat Greek Wedding meets Everybody Loves Raymond. That's us. :) But, within that, amazing atmosphere was lots of pain and disfunction.

My mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was five years old. And, as such, wasn't available to her children in the ways a mother should be. In a lot of ways, as the oldest kid at home (I have an older half sister who never lived with us), I became mom to my two younger sisters and two younger brothers - and pseudo-wife to my father.

My father really did do the best he could - modeling Jesus to us and trying to keep a family together without a stable wife. But he had pain and brokeness of his own - that insidiously seeped into our family culture since so much of our focus was on my mom's illness and its effects on us.

Over the years, we ended up in and out of foster homes a few times (three total that I can remember) and my mother was in and out of mental institutions. Even when we were all under one roof, there was so much pain, so much instability, arguing, chaos and uncertainty that it really wasn't a great place to grow up.

Then, when I was 18, my mother divorced my father and moved away. (And, since then, we've had next to no contact with her...though we've had a general idea of where she was.) My father ended up remarrying just two years after my mom left - and my step mother became the mom my younger siblings never had.

A month after my mom moved away, I also left - to go to college 10 hours away. My freshman year, I was a shell of a person. I was confused, empty and broken. I had always thought that my family was going to be that poster family - you know, the one that can say, "Things were terrible but God healed everything. We're all in one piece and better than ever." But, that didn't happen. Instead, my family was in shambles. And, I was on my own to pick up the pieces of my own life (while still trying to pick up my father's and siblings' as well).

I think each of us bares different effects of that time. But, for me, it was emptiness, confusion and insecurity. I had always been the one to take care of everyone else (mom for my siblings, pseudo-wife for my dad) that I had never really paid any attention to my own needs and desires. I actually didn't think I had a right to anything...but that everyone else was legitimately more important...that my needs didn't matter and weren't allowed to matter. I had gotten my identity from taking care of my family and from overachieving in school. I had always sworn that I wouldn't be a victim of my environment...I didn't want anyone to look at me and say "oh, poor Natalie. She could have been so much more but for her childhood."

So, once my parents divorced, I moved out and my dad had a present and sane wife, I didn't know what to do or where to get my identity from. So, of course, I turned - again - to overachievement. I was going to prove I was lovable and acceptable by how hard I worked, how well I did at everything and how much people liked me. And, truth be told, I did do pretty well. I was very successful in school, ministry, life.

In the 13 years since my parents divorced, I have done some really fascinating and interesting things: gone to and graduated from college, moved half-way across the country, bought a house, started my own business, traveled to numerous countries around the world, built successful ministries at my church and so much more.

But, I'd say the hallmark of my adult years so far has been working through my childhood. And, that's where the unconditional love piece comes in. I actually grew up knowing Jesus...knowing that He died for my sins and that I had eternal life with Him in heaven. And, what's more, the reality is, He was the only constant thing in my life and I knew that. Given my circumstances, I'm pretty convinced that without Him, I'd have become a drug-addicted, strung out mother of 15 kids at this point. (I'm not joking.) But, even with His evident presence and provision in even the most difficult of moments, I didn't really know Him. I still didn't feel loved, known, cared for, seen, understood, acceptable, wanted. My feelings were definitely the product of an absent mother and an emotionally broken father...so they were legitimate in once sense...but, had I really known the Father then like I do now, I'd not have struggled with any of those feelings.

It's taken 13 years to break through the lies that I don't matter, that my value is only in my achievement and that I'm not allowed to have needs and desires. And, it's not because of some self-help book or decision to ignore my pain that I believe I do matter, that my value lies so far outside of my achievement that it's not even funny and that every single need and desire is allowed to be acknowledged (though, maybe not always a legitimate desire worthy of being fulfilled). It's not because I've just chosen to believe that everything's okay.

Instead, it's because of Jesus' love. It's been through a series of big and small major and minor breakthroughs. Moments where the Father showed me His truth, revealed who He actually is and how the truth of who He actually is affects and changes me. Moments when I chose to believe what He said was true about Him, rather than what I thought was true. Moments when He intervened in ways that I can't chaulk up to mere coincidence. I've given my life fully and wholly over to Him...not because it's a security blanket to believe in something or Someone..but because I've interacted with the living God and allowed Him to interact with me. He's shown me that He loves me for me, plain and simple. And, honestly, all that emptiness and confusion is gone. No longer am I stiving to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough, kind enough, rich enough or liked enough. The truth is, whatever I did was never enough anyway...and never truly satisfied all of that emptiness. I was always striving but never satisfied. Now, I'm satisfied and at rest.

And, the brilliant and exciting part is that I get to live in that knowledge, freedom and rest now. It completely changes how I see the world, relationships, experiences, even hardships. And, the greatest joy of my life now is somehow trying to show others in every way I can who God really is, how He really sees them and how desperately and fully He loves them. My deepest desire is for others to know the fullness and freedom of His unconditional love.

Life isn't perfect. My family is still a wreck in a number of ways. But, I'm not defined by any of the circumstances around me. I'm only defined as one thoroughly and unconditionally loved by God. And that changes everything.