Being Squeezed

I've followed Jesus long enough to know that there are peaks and valleys to life and to my journey following and serving Him.

Last year - even with some big stuff going on in my family (see here and here) and with challenging things at work - was definitely a mountain top year. I had NEVER experienced the freedom and joy that I experienced in every area of my life and heart as I did in 2010. It was a banner year.

With almost three full months of 2011 now past, I can easily say 2011 seems like it's going to be a valley year (though I hope it doesn't actually last all year). I'm being squeezed in virtually every area of my life. It's hard excrutiating. It's unnerving. It's scary. It's risky. It's unsettling. Yet - while desperately longing for this valley to be over already or to be able to push the "fast forward" button right now - I can already see the beauty that's emerging in and through me as a result.

The details of what's going on don't matter. But, suffice it to say that back in November a friend from church emailed me to say that she had a dream about me. A dream where she felt like God was telling her to tell me that He was going to be bringing me into a season of deepening with Him - that it would feel like He was taking from me but in fact would be giving me more of Himself.

And, it's happening. I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating when I say this is THE most unnerving season I've ever walked through in my life. I've found myself in situations I would have never imagined being in in a million years. The places and activities where I've felt the most safe have been rattled and rocked. Old pain - thought to have been long healed and removed - has returned. Old fears - also thought to have been long satisfied - have returned. Old questions - long forgotten or believed answered - are bubbling up from my innermost parts, begging to be answered and satisfied. I'm confused. Rattled. Unsure. Exposed. Vulnerable. Without recourse. Helpless. I feel like I'm being stripped of everything.

Yet....

Yet, I'm more rooted in God than ever before. I'm more sure of who He is in my life and how He comes through for me. More dependant than ever before. More aware of His love, intervention, protection, faithfulness, direction, plan, hope, grace and mercy than EVER.

I'm not sure if it's possible to truly feel like I'd do anything to get through this season more quickly and yet to also truly feel like I am more grateful for this amazing opportunity to connect with Him at a deeper level than I can express. But, it's true. I can already see the deepening happening. I can already feel it. I'm already experiencing it.

He's calling me to HOPE when it seems all hope is lost. He's calling me to TRUST when circumstance would say otherwise. He's teaching me that He's faithful - truly, literally FAITHFUL - in the exact moment I need Him to be...not a moment before or a moment after. And, really, as much as the planner in me would prefer to know things before I need to, I'm learning to not despise this new way of living and working...yes, it's unnerving and scary...but actually moreso, it's secure and safe.

I'm not saying that I like this season. I surely don't. But, I don't hate it either. And, even though my heart's beating a bit faster as a type these words, I know that whatever else will come at me in this season will be okay because HE's with me.

These are the words of life I know the Lord spoke to me this morning (emphasis mine):

¹ Praise the LORD.^[b]

   Blessed are those who fear the LORD,
   who find great delight in his commands.

 ² Their children will be mighty in the land;
   the generation of the upright will be blessed.
³ Wealth and riches are in their houses,
   and their righteousness endures forever.
⁴ Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
   for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous.
⁵ Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely,
   who conduct their affairs with justice.

 ⁶ Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
   they will be remembered forever.
⁷ They will have no fear of bad news;
   their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
⁸ Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
   in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
⁹ They have freely scattered their gifts to the poor,
   their righteousness endures forever;
   their horn^[c] will be lifted high in honor.

 ¹⁰ The wicked will see and be vexed,
   they will gnash their teeth and waste away;
   the longings of the wicked will come to nothing. (Psalm 112)