Not Yet...and Yet, Now - Explained, Part 2

And, finally (catch up here) - 

3. The heart of a mother? This year, we had our Easter church service on Sunday evening...so after the potluck, we all headed over to church together. One of the guys in my small group sat next to me and at the end of the service, I really felt impressed by the Lord to pray for him. He's a newer guy to our group and someone I've not had the chance to get to know very well yet - my co-leader had been the one to really pastor him up until this point. My interactions with him had been more humorous and silly - nothing really deep or personal. But, I did know that he was a really good guy who was in the midst of really difficult situation and newly trying to be more serious in his relationship with Jesus. I asked him if I could pray for him - and, while a bit taken off guard, he was grateful and said I could. So I did...and I felt this overwhelming compassion and empathy for him rise up in me....I just wanted to be able to "fix" everything that was going wrong for him...to make this whole, horrific season of his life better. The only way I could explain it was that I felt how I imagine a mother feels when her child is going through something difficult. As strange as it sounds, while not at all pitying or belitting him, I really just wanted to take him in my arms, hold him tight and tell him everything was going to be okay. Or be able to have him come over to my house, give him some dinner and let my husband counsel or talk with him. Weird - esp since I barely knew the guy - and impossible, since I'm not married. So, I obviously restrained myself to just praying for him. :)


And then it all became clear. That night and even the next morning, I was still really affected by praying for him (and, in fact, by everything else that'd happened that weekend). The next morning, I remember expressly journaling/praying something like "Lord, I'm so thankful for all that happened this weekend - for all the opportunities You gave me and for all the great people You've placed in my life. But, now I feel teased and let down. I feel like I got to taste a bit of the very things my heart longs to do and now I have to go back to life as normal...with a gaping hole of desire and longing to help others, host others and love on them. But, alas, I still must wait.... please bring my husband to me so I can fully press into all these things I'm longing to do... please....I don't want to have to wait any longer...my heart feels like it's going to burst from longing to move in these ways..."

I shared my experiences and thoughts from the weekend with a co-worker and dear friend later that day. Her response was "You're already having a greater impact on people's lives than you think."

While I appreciated her kind words, I definitely blew them off as simply kind words from a dear friend. But, then, I got an email from the person I had prayed for on Sunday night. His email was simple but to the point: "Thank you so much for praying for me at church yesterday...it may have felt like a small thing, but believe me, it was not!"

I tried to blow off his words as well...but that's when the Lord stepped in and wouldn't let me overlook the obvious: that I really am free to do all the things on my heart now - that I don't have to wait until I'm married and have a family of my own before I can walk in these dreams. I know it all sounds so simplistic...but it's freed and revolutionized my life and heart.

If I'm honest, I think I've always felt that I was sort of cheating...that by trying to do  - before I'm married - some of the things my heart longs to do, I was proving how impatient and undisciplined I was. That I was in sin or that God was disappointed in me because I couldn't wait and/or be content in the season I was in. I don't know where all of that came from but gosh, how stupid.

In that moment, all the lies were lifted and I saw clearly - these are the things I've been created to do...both now as a single person and later if/when I'm married. And, since those lies have lifted, I've felt more peace and rest than I can articulate. No longer impatient to be married. No longer a feeling of being left out, not good enough or "still not ready" - instead, there's a joy, a peace, a settledness in fully embracing and enjoying exactly what's in front of me. I think that perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm really at rest...content with the present, while hopeful and not impatient for the future.

So so very grateful for the ways my Lord continues to free and realign my heart.