Safe to be Weak

Anyone who knows me well knows that among other things, I seem to come across as a) competant to a fault, b) always in control and c) unwilling to show my weaknesses. These are not necessarily traits I'm proud of or aspire to...but they're more often true of me than I'd like to admit.

But these same friends also know that as the Lord continues to bring me more and more healing from my past, I am increasingly less desirous of holding everything together and increasingly more desirous of the freedom and relief that comes from being known, showing my weaknesses and just "letting go." The reality is, I hate carrying everything on my own and having to hold everything together. It's exhausting, depressing and lonely.

The journey to freedom and healing has brought much self-discovery and understanding as to why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. Most recently, I've become somewhat obsessed with the personality test, the Enneagram for the revolutionary (for me) insights I'm receiving from it. (A few slight divergences - while the Enneagram is typically considered a "new-age" type of tool, there is lots of truth to its ability to assess a person. And, for what it's worth, its origins can actually be traced back to the church. If I had more time, I'd explain more about it and why I think it's a powerful tool for Christians. But suffice it to say, one of the most powerful aspects is that it unveils a person's "core driver," or in Christian terms, "core sin." Kind of intense, yes...but actually really powerful if one's willing to be humble and honest about his/her shortcomings.  And, on another though related note, I happen to love personality tests, as I feel that while they're not 100% accurate for anyone, they do offer good insights into behaviors and drivers in our personalities. Plus, while one on its own is insightful, combining the results of many different ones (DISC, Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, etc.) give great insights into a person.)

When I took the Enneagram, I came out as a Type 7 - the Enthusiast. I could write a whole post about why I find this description of myself so fascinating (and mostly accurate), but the bottom line is that Enthusiasts seek pleasure or any distraction from having to deal with pain...in short, they avoid pain at all costs. They're the type who can say something like "yes, my life's been incredibly hard but doesn't everyone have hard lives? And really, it's fine as I've learned and gleaned so much from my hardships" all in one breath without allowing themselves to acknowledge that their hardship ever actually hurt. They keep their lives incredibly busy - with things, people, work, activities, etc. - and when they do experience pain, they tend to rationalize it away. Plus, they tend to be people who had traumatic childhoods and/or a lack of nurture and had to learn to fend for themselves in many ways. They are the quintessential "jack of all trades; master of none."

Guilty. As. Charged.

But, upon deeper examination, it's not merely a desire to avoid pain for pain's sake as much as it's a belief that since there's no one safe or dependable enough to reveal their weaknesses to (a core belief with its foundations in their childhoods), why dwell on that pain? It's believing at their core that they'll always be alone and have to gut things out alone. It's deciding that dwelling on the loss and pain or being sad about it will neither accomplish nor change anything, so why not just do what you have to do yourself and choose to be happy about it?

The Lord's been unpacking so much of this to me recently. Revealing so much of my core motivations behind why and how I do things. But, also showing me just how very far I've come over the years while also bringing more freedom to me every day. At times, it's been frustrating to realize that I still have so far to go, that I still feel like an orphan in many ways, that I'm often still afraid that others won't come through for me and/or that I'm not worth their coming through for. But, it's also been really freeing and redemptive - as He's provided friends who and situations that are showing me the opposite. Moments - even just this past Memorial Day weekend - where when I actually chose to not be in control or to not hide my fear, weakness or struggle, I was seen, taken care of and protected. And, awesome moments of letting my hair down and having some seriously silly and wonderful fun - running through fountains, barrelling down hills, singing ridiculous songs, dancing in cars and laughing til my sides hurt. These moments were life altering, precious, redemptive...moments that cause my eyes to brim over with tears whenever I think about them.

My goal now is to stay in this place...to learn how to live in the tension between being the called, competant, capable person God's created me to be while also being free to be weak, not in control, incompetant, needy, ridiculous and silly....to trust that others want to and will come through for me. To give them the space to actually do so.

There's something about the kindness of the Lord that's so arresting, isn't there? Yes, often, the journey we're asked to walk is hard, long and with more detours than we'd ever have expected - but yet, it's also more beautiful, redemptive, freeing and life giving than we could have ever hoped for.