Realigned

I feel like I have about seven posts running through my mind these days - things God's been up to, things I'm learning, things I'm experiencing, things I've been challenged with, things I'd love to share. But, just as I have a lot to share, there seems to be negatively proportionate amount of time to write about it all.

But, regardless, I'd like to share a bit of a journey I've been on - well, actually, if you've read anything here ever, you've gotten glimpses of it (specifically here, here, here and here). So, I guess, this is just the latest installment. :)

For over two years - really since I first launched my freelance business three years ago now - I've also been working to transition from the Front Office Administrator to the firmwide Writer/Editor at my full-time job. It's been a LONG, exciting, disappointing, confusing journey frought with all sorts of detours and setbacks and carrots dangled in front of me that would move just as I grasped them, etc. In short, it. was. hard.

So, you'd think that when the announcement was made two weeks ago that the Board approved my working exclusively on writing, editing and publishing for the next four months (with the possibility of full time after that, depending on business conditions), I'd be beyond excited. Afterall, it's the first truly significant step in realizing this professional goal.

But, I actually haven't been that excited. At first, I thought it was just because I'd stopped caring about it. Or maybe that I was still unwilling to hope since the rules seemed to have changed so much up until this point that they still might. Maybe I was just self-protecting from future disappointment? Or had just shut off emotionally since it was easier than getting my hopes up for something else that would just end up not moving forward (as I've mentioned previously, there've been lots of disappointments and set-backs...hadn't the last half of the 2012 been all about feeling stuck in every area of my life?!)?

What I've discovered, actually, is that it's not any of those things. I actually am excited and grateful for this new opportunity. There definitely is a certain level of satisfaction in finally realizing a goal I've been working toward for so long. But, it's a measured sort of excitement and gratitude. Basically because this achievement isn't actually the point. This temporary (and maybe eventually permanent) new role isn't the biggest goal of my life. My professional life is NOT where my satisfaction and identity lie.

But, it took me the better part of this last year to remember that. I think as everything (work, life, relationships, ministry, etc.) was feeling so stagnant, I started grasping at anything in front of me that I could make work, that I could change. And, I got my priorities out of whack. I started making THE goal being in this new position...and was truly pissed off every time one of my efforts, sacrifices, or the vast amount of extra responsibilities I took on was not acknowledged or rewarded or didn't take me closer to the "ultimate" goal. Yet, when I first took my job at this company over seven years ago, I purposefully chose a role where professional achievement and advancement weren't the point. A paycheck was....so that I could focus on people and ministry.

But, in the "twilight," I'd gotten lost. And, I needed my journey - just exactly as it's gone this past year - to realize that. What an annoying - but ultimately and definitely fruitful and worthwhile - journey. I'm a different - better, healthier, calmer, freer, wiser - person as a result of this latest leg of my journey.

I've talked for years about wanting to help the broken and less fortunate, to be a foster and adoptive parent, etc. And, in the midst of all the job/role drama and disappointment, God was subtly actually aligning things to allow me to finally move forward in those - ultimately more impactful - things.

Specifically, He's opened my heart up to the vast needs of those involved in human trafficking - specifically domestic trafficking. I'll share more about what that all means in my next post.....