Safe to be Weak

Anyone who knows me well knows that among other things, I seem to come across as a) competant to a fault, b) always in control and c) unwilling to show my weaknesses. These are not necessarily traits I'm proud of or aspire to...but they're more often true of me than I'd like to admit.

But these same friends also know that as the Lord continues to bring me more and more healing from my past, I am increasingly less desirous of holding everything together and increasingly more desirous of the freedom and relief that comes from being known, showing my weaknesses and just "letting go." The reality is, I hate carrying everything on my own and having to hold everything together. It's exhausting, depressing and lonely.

The journey to freedom and healing has brought much self-discovery and understanding as to why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. Most recently, I've become somewhat obsessed with the personality test, the Enneagram for the revolutionary (for me) insights I'm receiving from it. (A few slight divergences - while the Enneagram is typically considered a "new-age" type of tool, there is lots of truth to its ability to assess a person. And, for what it's worth, its origins can actually be traced back to the church. If I had more time, I'd explain more about it and why I think it's a powerful tool for Christians. But suffice it to say, one of the most powerful aspects is that it unveils a person's "core driver," or in Christian terms, "core sin." Kind of intense, yes...but actually really powerful if one's willing to be humble and honest about his/her shortcomings.  And, on another though related note, I happen to love personality tests, as I feel that while they're not 100% accurate for anyone, they do offer good insights into behaviors and drivers in our personalities. Plus, while one on its own is insightful, combining the results of many different ones (DISC, Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, etc.) give great insights into a person.)

When I took the Enneagram, I came out as a Type 7 - the Enthusiast. I could write a whole post about why I find this description of myself so fascinating (and mostly accurate), but the bottom line is that Enthusiasts seek pleasure or any distraction from having to deal with pain...in short, they avoid pain at all costs. They're the type who can say something like "yes, my life's been incredibly hard but doesn't everyone have hard lives? And really, it's fine as I've learned and gleaned so much from my hardships" all in one breath without allowing themselves to acknowledge that their hardship ever actually hurt. They keep their lives incredibly busy - with things, people, work, activities, etc. - and when they do experience pain, they tend to rationalize it away. Plus, they tend to be people who had traumatic childhoods and/or a lack of nurture and had to learn to fend for themselves in many ways. They are the quintessential "jack of all trades; master of none."

Guilty. As. Charged.

But, upon deeper examination, it's not merely a desire to avoid pain for pain's sake as much as it's a belief that since there's no one safe or dependable enough to reveal their weaknesses to (a core belief with its foundations in their childhoods), why dwell on that pain? It's believing at their core that they'll always be alone and have to gut things out alone. It's deciding that dwelling on the loss and pain or being sad about it will neither accomplish nor change anything, so why not just do what you have to do yourself and choose to be happy about it?

The Lord's been unpacking so much of this to me recently. Revealing so much of my core motivations behind why and how I do things. But, also showing me just how very far I've come over the years while also bringing more freedom to me every day. At times, it's been frustrating to realize that I still have so far to go, that I still feel like an orphan in many ways, that I'm often still afraid that others won't come through for me and/or that I'm not worth their coming through for. But, it's also been really freeing and redemptive - as He's provided friends who and situations that are showing me the opposite. Moments - even just this past Memorial Day weekend - where when I actually chose to not be in control or to not hide my fear, weakness or struggle, I was seen, taken care of and protected. And, awesome moments of letting my hair down and having some seriously silly and wonderful fun - running through fountains, barrelling down hills, singing ridiculous songs, dancing in cars and laughing til my sides hurt. These moments were life altering, precious, redemptive...moments that cause my eyes to brim over with tears whenever I think about them.

My goal now is to stay in this place...to learn how to live in the tension between being the called, competant, capable person God's created me to be while also being free to be weak, not in control, incompetant, needy, ridiculous and silly....to trust that others want to and will come through for me. To give them the space to actually do so.

There's something about the kindness of the Lord that's so arresting, isn't there? Yes, often, the journey we're asked to walk is hard, long and with more detours than we'd ever have expected - but yet, it's also more beautiful, redemptive, freeing and life giving than we could have ever hoped for.

Living it Out

Someone recently asked me about my spiritual journey...below is my response as well as his response to what I shared. I think his response is among one of the best compliments I've ever received in that it's just so meaningful to realize that the things about who you are are in fact making a difference in someone else's life...that the ways you aspire to live are, in fact, reality and actually being lived out (even if only briefly or momentarily).

May I always be so open and honest about the work my Father has done in my life.

Me: "My journey has definitely been an interesting one. It would take volumes to truly articulate it all. But, the long and short of it is that my parents both also have a Catholic background (Catholic school and the whole bit) and I was baptized in the Catholic church, etc – even went to Catholic school myself for 2nd grade). But, for both of them, it was definitely a cultural/family/obligatory thing that they just did. No real connection with God or desire to actually try to connect with Him.

Then, my father had a few specific experiences where he knew God was trying to get his attention (kinda weird sounding but definitely true), and they changed my father forever. He started going to a Charismatic Catholic church and then moved to a more evangelical/non-denominational church. As his life changed, he obviously shared his relationship with God with his family. And, that’s how I started understanding who God was. I went to Sunday school and heard all the bible stories, etc.

A few years later, my mom got really sick and my parents started having some major problems. Things got really really tricky at home and the only way I could cope was to cling to God. All the things I’d heard in Sunday school about who Jesus was started to actually make sense to me and feel true. I started having experiences with and understanding of God myself. So, fast-forward a lot of years and that’s still where I’m at – though obviously I’m beyond simple Sunday school stories.

I’ve had a lot of hardship in my life and a lot of things that should have wrecked me and/or turned me into a broken, strung-out, bitter woman. But, instead, every step of the way, Jesus has intervened and protected me or worked out that hard/bad situation to show me more of who He is, of His love, His protection, His care, His goodness and His kindness. It’s so much more than a religion or ascribing to a set of rules or a way of living…as cheesy as it may sound, it really is a living, active relationship with a God who makes Himself known to me, works in my life and uses me to share and extend His love to others. I can’t imagine who I’d be or what my life would look like without Him."


My Friend: "[Your response] was interesting, insightful and thorough.... I feel like I got a rare glimpse at parts of your background .... It's not often that I get those glimpses when communicating with most people... whether it be writing talking chatting, etc...I'm a bit guarded myself. So thanks for the refreshing change...."




So simple and yet so powerful.

I'm so grateful for the reminder and the encouragement. Just what I needed today....

Not Yet...and Yet, Now - Explained, Part 2

And, finally (catch up here) - 

3. The heart of a mother? This year, we had our Easter church service on Sunday evening...so after the potluck, we all headed over to church together. One of the guys in my small group sat next to me and at the end of the service, I really felt impressed by the Lord to pray for him. He's a newer guy to our group and someone I've not had the chance to get to know very well yet - my co-leader had been the one to really pastor him up until this point. My interactions with him had been more humorous and silly - nothing really deep or personal. But, I did know that he was a really good guy who was in the midst of really difficult situation and newly trying to be more serious in his relationship with Jesus. I asked him if I could pray for him - and, while a bit taken off guard, he was grateful and said I could. So I did...and I felt this overwhelming compassion and empathy for him rise up in me....I just wanted to be able to "fix" everything that was going wrong for him...to make this whole, horrific season of his life better. The only way I could explain it was that I felt how I imagine a mother feels when her child is going through something difficult. As strange as it sounds, while not at all pitying or belitting him, I really just wanted to take him in my arms, hold him tight and tell him everything was going to be okay. Or be able to have him come over to my house, give him some dinner and let my husband counsel or talk with him. Weird - esp since I barely knew the guy - and impossible, since I'm not married. So, I obviously restrained myself to just praying for him. :)


And then it all became clear. That night and even the next morning, I was still really affected by praying for him (and, in fact, by everything else that'd happened that weekend). The next morning, I remember expressly journaling/praying something like "Lord, I'm so thankful for all that happened this weekend - for all the opportunities You gave me and for all the great people You've placed in my life. But, now I feel teased and let down. I feel like I got to taste a bit of the very things my heart longs to do and now I have to go back to life as normal...with a gaping hole of desire and longing to help others, host others and love on them. But, alas, I still must wait.... please bring my husband to me so I can fully press into all these things I'm longing to do... please....I don't want to have to wait any longer...my heart feels like it's going to burst from longing to move in these ways..."

I shared my experiences and thoughts from the weekend with a co-worker and dear friend later that day. Her response was "You're already having a greater impact on people's lives than you think."

While I appreciated her kind words, I definitely blew them off as simply kind words from a dear friend. But, then, I got an email from the person I had prayed for on Sunday night. His email was simple but to the point: "Thank you so much for praying for me at church yesterday...it may have felt like a small thing, but believe me, it was not!"

I tried to blow off his words as well...but that's when the Lord stepped in and wouldn't let me overlook the obvious: that I really am free to do all the things on my heart now - that I don't have to wait until I'm married and have a family of my own before I can walk in these dreams. I know it all sounds so simplistic...but it's freed and revolutionized my life and heart.

If I'm honest, I think I've always felt that I was sort of cheating...that by trying to do  - before I'm married - some of the things my heart longs to do, I was proving how impatient and undisciplined I was. That I was in sin or that God was disappointed in me because I couldn't wait and/or be content in the season I was in. I don't know where all of that came from but gosh, how stupid.

In that moment, all the lies were lifted and I saw clearly - these are the things I've been created to do...both now as a single person and later if/when I'm married. And, since those lies have lifted, I've felt more peace and rest than I can articulate. No longer impatient to be married. No longer a feeling of being left out, not good enough or "still not ready" - instead, there's a joy, a peace, a settledness in fully embracing and enjoying exactly what's in front of me. I think that perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm really at rest...content with the present, while hopeful and not impatient for the future.

So so very grateful for the ways my Lord continues to free and realign my heart.

Not Yet....and Yet, Now - Explained, Part 1

Here are some specific examples to go along with my last post - sorry it's taken nearly a month to share them (April was CRAZY busy!) Here they are:

1. My "little" sister A (via BBBS - BigBrothers BigSisters). If I'm honest, I only signed up with BBBS four years ago because I wanted to be doing something with underpriviledged kids while I was single. I was determined to not adopt or have foster kids until I was married, and in my mind, BBBS was a good alternative. Don't get me wrong - I've totally enjoyed my time with A thru the years. But, even in the past few months have found myself wondering if we should continue our relationship since she's a pre-teen and it feels like we have next to nothing in common anymore.

Recently, however, I've begun to identify as least a piece of the purpose of our relationship and, truly, how vital my place in her life is. It started when her mom called me crying a few weeks ago - telling me that A had been suspended from school. She begged me to try to talk to A since neither she nor A's teachers had been able to make much progress. I was honestly a bit overwhelmed with the heaviness of the situation - not being sure what difference I would be able to make. Yet, the Lord opened the door for a really great, meaningful conversation between A and me. She asked if I was going to lecture her like everyone else had, and when I said "No, I'm just curious to know what happened and why," she was shocked and let her defenses down. As a result, we had a very candid conversation about how her choices now as a seventh grader - though seemingly minor - could very well lead her down the very path she doesn't want to go (ie - be labled as a "trouble-maker" and/or prohibit her opportunities to go to college). She was SO responsive. Truly a miracle.

A couple weeks later when we were again together (the day before Easter), she was excited to share all the positive changes she'd been making and how much better things were going in school. She even talked about how she was hoping to go to Harvard to be a pediatrician. (?!) We "happened" to stop in my office for a moment and one of my bosses was there, working on a Saturday. One thing led to another and "randomly" he mentioned that he'd gone to Harvard. When he found out A wanted to go there, he gave her all these tips and pointers on what she can do now (in addition to get stellar grades) to make it happen. She was clearly deeply affected. And, we've already begun to discuss how we can implement some of his suggestions.

That afternoon, it all just felt like a random coincidence.

2. An Easter potluck. On Easter Sunday this year, my small group hosted an Easter potluck. We invited what felt like everyone we knew - whether a part of our church or not. And, we ended up with roughly 35 people in attendance. My house isn't big enough to host anywhere near that many people so some of the girls in our small group hosted in their house. Everything was lovely - in fact, I can't imaging the day having gone better.

But, while cooking the ham and a few other dishes for the potluck earlier that day at home, I had made a sort of snide comment to my roommate about how I was dreaming of the day when I didn't have time the cooking of my dishes to include transport time to another location...how I'd love to have a home large enough that people could come to my house for a big party or event.  I didn't dwell on that disappointment for very long and really did enjoy myself at the girls' house that day...but there were definite moments where the pang of not being able to host in my own space hit me.

Not Yet....And Yet Now

I don't quite know when it happened...I don't know when I specifically realized and defined my life's dreams and aspirations to include being a foster parent; an adoptive parent; and someone who has the time, practical resources and emotions to help others get on their feet - specifically by allowing them to live with my family, learn life/coping skills, grow closer to Jesus and move into their callings and dreams. But, it happened.

It's been a number of years in the making, I'm sure. Perhaps it included having been a foster kid myself - three times - and having been blessed to have three great foster families (when that's totally not the norm). And, I know it included participation in the World Vision 24-Hour Famine when I was like 14 or 15 and I committed to adopting children one day. And, when watching The Pursuit of Happyness, sobbing outright in the theater, exclaiming, "I would give them a place to live! I would give them the break they need to get on their feet!" without even realizing that, though it was based on a true story, I was watching a movie.

Or there's the time when, after watching another movie, Amazing Grace (the story of British anti-slavery pioneer, William Wilberforce), I was so shaken to the core by his compassion and sheer determination to go against the grain of society and work for change that I knew my reaction was based on more than just a well-written story that grabbed my heart strings. I knew God was stirring something in me for my future.

Or exclaiming, while watching (yes, yet another movie) The Blind Side, "I knew it was possible!" (I was thrilled to be witnessing an example of how a foster family could make such an enormous impact on one life.)

And, while there are tons more examples that keep popping into my head as I write this, I'm sure you get the point: this is something that's been stirring in me for a while. It's something that's been building and building in my heart. The intensity of my desire to be doing this stuff right now gets more mind consuming and acute with every breath.

In the past few months, I simply cannot recount how many prayers I've prayed that somehow relate to these dreams - longing to be able to step into it all right now, to be adopting kids now and to have a home larger than my current 695-square-foot one now so that I could have a place for someone in need. Even my deep longings to be married now seem to stem more from the desire to have a partner in these dreams than anything else.

And, yet, I wait. Feeling this acute desire and yet, feeling like I am still in a holding pattern, unable to move forward...honestly sometimes thinking that God must think I'm still "not quite ready" to be allowed to move into these things that He's stirring in me.

But, I got a great dose of reality this weekend (read more here and here). While my dreams aren't completely fulfilled now, it's actually not true that I'm stuck in a holding pattern doing nothing. I'm getting the chance to care for, love and serve lots of people around me right now. God's answering my prayers - just in different ways than I was expecting (and than I know He will ultimately bring about in my life). Some of my dreams are being fulfilled now, even while I wait for those not yet a reality.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude - for both the actual experience as well as the eye-opening perspective this weekend to see it.

Thank You, Jesus, for fulfilling your purposes in me. For knowing my heart and my dreams and allowing me to see them realized.

The Accident that was a Blessing

So, that was a really long series! Thanks for reading along!

To recap:

• Hiatus Explained
• The Unimaginable
• Court Appearance (#1)
• A Curve Ball
• A Warning Meant to Be a Blessing (?)
• Court Appearance (#2)
• As If I Didn't Have Enough Pulling at Me
• Safe Places No Longer Safe
• Court Appearance (#3)
• The Hunt for a Lawyer Begins
• Moment by Moment, Step by Step
• The Provision of a Lawyer
• Just When I Thought it Couldn't Get Any Worse....
• Three Days to Absolute Transformation
• Resolution

Resolution

The transformation that happened in my heart and mind was no small thing. In fact, when I finally heard back from my attorney, it felt somewhat anti-climactic (although, obviously, I was still interested and concerned about how everything would turn out).

Here's what he said: "While it's terrible that this woman has passed away, I think your insurance agent is right. I think that this clears everything up for us. We all know that she had previous and outside medical issues. I'll get in touch with the DA and see how she wants to proceed."

Well, the DA decided that she still wanted to meet in court. When we got there, however, she gave the judge an update about the pedestrian and said something like, "Your honor, while we have no reason to believe that the pedestrian's death has anything to do with the accident, we are asking for another continuance to give us time to do our due process" (emphasis mine).

While that was annoying (as was the waste of an hour of my and my attorney's time (which cost me a pretty penny...) ), it wasn't that big a deal. Our next (and final !!!!) court appearance was scheduled for the end of May - the Monday before Memorial Day, 2011.

The preceding Friday, my attorney called to tell me that he'd spoken to the DA and she had an offer for us. She wasn't willing to drop the charges (for careless driving) because there was witness testimony that I had pulled away from the intersection after the pedestrian had stepped off of the curb. BUT, she also didn't have any evidence that the accident had had anything to do with the woman's death. So...her offer was that if I pled guilty to the intial charge of careless driving, she'd let the case drop and not proceed any further with any investigation.

(Apparently -- and I think I definitely neglected to explain this in any of my prior posts -- the hold up every time we were in court previously had been because, while the DA did have evidence for that initial charge of careless driving, she wanted to see if the charge should be changed (increased to something more serious) like careless driving with bodliy injury (why she wanted to and kept trying with no success to actually speak with the pedestrian) or careless driving resulting in death (why she asked for that further continuance at the last appearance).)

Also - she was willing to make the offer because a) everything had gone on for long enough, b) she didn't have any further evidence and knew she wouldn't get it and c) the deadline for my "speedy trial" guarantee was about three days after Monday's court appearance...so resolution HAD to happen by then.

My attorney suggested that I accept her offer (the alternative would be to go to trial....very long, arduous and EXPENSIVE). So, on that day in May - over seven months after the initial accident - I pled guilty to careless driving.

My punishment? Four points on my license and 24 hours of community service (which I ended up serving at the local public library).

My reward? A deeper, freer, truer relationship with my kind and gracious heavenly Father and more peace and confidence in my own heart and life.

Would I want to do it again? No.

Was it worth it? Absolutely.