"And Suddenly"

(Catch up by reading the back story)

Suddenly, everything changed for me. Through a God-ordained series of events, I was able to reduce my hours at my company and take a temporary, part-time role with one of my freelance clients. That was exciting enough, I thought. But, when I was told in no uncertain terms that I was going to have to go back to the front desk come May or find a new job, my freelance client told me he wanted to hire me permanently (part-time for now, with the intention of full time down the road). And, if that wasn't fabulous enough, my church also told me they wanted to hire me (also part-time now with the possibility of full time later).

So, as of next week, I will be the Director of Communication and Administration for an amazing organization called Peace Catalyst International (PCI) as well as the Circles and Connect Administrator for my amazing church, the Mile High Vineyard (MHV). Each of these organizations holds key aspects of my heart, and I can't explain how truly honored, blessed and privileged I feel to get to play such a vital role at each.

You should check out each website for more info on the organizations themselves...but, basically I'm using my skills in public relations, communication, marketing and administration to help PCI stimulate peacebuilding between individuals and peoples. I get to help "promote multi-dimensional reconciliation (with God, people, and creation) [in a world rife with conflict]." Then, at MHV, I get to use my skills of administration, leadership, pastoring, planning and implementation to oversee the main community-building engines of our church - helping ensure all new guests feel welcomed, known and connected as well as helping ensure everyone in our church has access to a small group of people with whom to connect, live life, grow and learn. What?? How in the world did I get so blessed???

And, here's where it comes full circle - I can look back at the last 7.5 years and realize that every single second at that company was worth it. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. I had space to heal, grow, learn and risk. And, I observed how (and how not to) lead others, grow an organization, care for people, accomplish tasks, navigate difficult circumstances (both internal and external), monitor and measure growth, and fulfill mission.

With each passing day of my life, I am more and more overwhelmed at just how phenomenal an Orchestrator the Lord is. He weaves seemingly mundane and disparate circumstances together into the most marvelous of tapestries - for each of us. He is so so kind, and I'm just so so thankful.

Looking Back

On the eve of my last day at a job I've held for over seven years and have both loved and hated, I'm even more introspective than normal. I find myself looking back, remembering who I was when I accepted the job back in late 2005 and realizing just now much I've grown up since then. And, I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude and reminded afresh what a remarkably kind and gracious Father I have.

At this job, during these seven-plus years, I started in a very low-stress, low-difficulty role...I could do my tasks in my sleep. But, it paid well, provided great benefits, allowed me to interact with people, and mostly, gave me the mental and emotional space to really work through deep, personal things. There are so many days I remember just sitting at that front desk, blogging (!), processing, even chatting on the phone with close friends and family - and getting paid for it...while still fully accomplishing all of my regular tasks. What?! Who gets that lucky and is that fortunate to have that kind of space in their life for such things??

Then, as the recession hit and my company decreased to one-third its original size, I found myself with opportunities to spread my wings a bit, get more involved in the bigger workings of the company, use my skills and actually contribute in meaningful ways. I built great relationships with my co-workers. Loosened up. Had tons of fun. And, learned a lot.

While navigating the recession wasn't easy (every day wondering if I would be laid off), I was ridiculously fortunate to get to keep my job...especially as my position was eliminated in each of our other offices. While others were losing their jobs, I was being entrusted with more and was beginning to be seen for all that I was capable of.

Yet, slowly - amidst the blessings, things changed. Rather than being valued, I was being taken advantage of. I was encouraged to work toward a new position that I desperately wanted - as the company's writer and editor. But, after over two years, I'd gotten no where. I was no closer to stepping into my new position than I had been at the start. I was doing everything being asked of me, continually taking on more and more responsibilities, being assured that each additional task would take me closer to my goal. Yet...the rules kept changing, the carrot kept being dangled...and then kept getting moved. I'd get my hopes up, only to have them dashed and to be told I had to wait or do more or expect less or wait longer. Most recently, I got to taste what it felt like to be in the long-desired role...though bluntly warned that it was a temporary, four-month stint...with the potential for, but no guarantee of, permanency.

By that point (earlier this year), I knew that the likelihood of truly getting to remain in this long-sought-after role was slim at best. Plus, a myriad of other issues and situations (far too mundane to detail here) were transpiring that made my stomach turn at the thought of staying with the company any longer. So I started to think and pray about a change. Yet, I had zero idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I just knew I didn't want to be there anymore.

But, then suddenly....

Realigned

I feel like I have about seven posts running through my mind these days - things God's been up to, things I'm learning, things I'm experiencing, things I've been challenged with, things I'd love to share. But, just as I have a lot to share, there seems to be negatively proportionate amount of time to write about it all.

But, regardless, I'd like to share a bit of a journey I've been on - well, actually, if you've read anything here ever, you've gotten glimpses of it (specifically here, here, here and here). So, I guess, this is just the latest installment. :)

For over two years - really since I first launched my freelance business three years ago now - I've also been working to transition from the Front Office Administrator to the firmwide Writer/Editor at my full-time job. It's been a LONG, exciting, disappointing, confusing journey frought with all sorts of detours and setbacks and carrots dangled in front of me that would move just as I grasped them, etc. In short, it. was. hard.

So, you'd think that when the announcement was made two weeks ago that the Board approved my working exclusively on writing, editing and publishing for the next four months (with the possibility of full time after that, depending on business conditions), I'd be beyond excited. Afterall, it's the first truly significant step in realizing this professional goal.

But, I actually haven't been that excited. At first, I thought it was just because I'd stopped caring about it. Or maybe that I was still unwilling to hope since the rules seemed to have changed so much up until this point that they still might. Maybe I was just self-protecting from future disappointment? Or had just shut off emotionally since it was easier than getting my hopes up for something else that would just end up not moving forward (as I've mentioned previously, there've been lots of disappointments and set-backs...hadn't the last half of the 2012 been all about feeling stuck in every area of my life?!)?

What I've discovered, actually, is that it's not any of those things. I actually am excited and grateful for this new opportunity. There definitely is a certain level of satisfaction in finally realizing a goal I've been working toward for so long. But, it's a measured sort of excitement and gratitude. Basically because this achievement isn't actually the point. This temporary (and maybe eventually permanent) new role isn't the biggest goal of my life. My professional life is NOT where my satisfaction and identity lie.

But, it took me the better part of this last year to remember that. I think as everything (work, life, relationships, ministry, etc.) was feeling so stagnant, I started grasping at anything in front of me that I could make work, that I could change. And, I got my priorities out of whack. I started making THE goal being in this new position...and was truly pissed off every time one of my efforts, sacrifices, or the vast amount of extra responsibilities I took on was not acknowledged or rewarded or didn't take me closer to the "ultimate" goal. Yet, when I first took my job at this company over seven years ago, I purposefully chose a role where professional achievement and advancement weren't the point. A paycheck was....so that I could focus on people and ministry.

But, in the "twilight," I'd gotten lost. And, I needed my journey - just exactly as it's gone this past year - to realize that. What an annoying - but ultimately and definitely fruitful and worthwhile - journey. I'm a different - better, healthier, calmer, freer, wiser - person as a result of this latest leg of my journey.

I've talked for years about wanting to help the broken and less fortunate, to be a foster and adoptive parent, etc. And, in the midst of all the job/role drama and disappointment, God was subtly actually aligning things to allow me to finally move forward in those - ultimately more impactful - things.

Specifically, He's opened my heart up to the vast needs of those involved in human trafficking - specifically domestic trafficking. I'll share more about what that all means in my next post.....

Our Choices

One of my favorite bands, Mumford and Sons, released its second album, Babel, a few months ago. And, while nearly all the songs have profound lyrics in some sense, the last line (below) from "Broken Crown" struck me as especially significant while in the midst of my aforementioned tantrum:

"But in this twilight our choices seal our fate."

I'm sure one could come up with many interpretations for this specific lyric...but for me, it really felt like a word of caution and encouragement all wrapped into one. Essentially, my response to this in-between time of my life...when I've struggled and been a little impatient and disappointed...will direct the entire course of my life. I could choose to remain sad and resigned or I could choose to hope.

I'd been little more than simply mindful of the profundity of that thought until last week, when my pastor did a talk on suffering and hope, specifically in light of the awful Jessica Ridgeway tragedy the Denver metro area has been dealing with. While the content of his talk was not necessarily anything I'd never heard before, it just so happened to be the perfect moment for me to hear it again. It was one of those moments when his words went straight to my heart and I'm now forever altered.

Here's the long and short of what struck me from his talk: "Every leader who's ever made a difference in the world faced suffering, setbacks and disappointment in the present...but had their eyes ever on their future Hope and so they never gave up" and "When we face suffering and disappointment, our choice is to continue on with that eternal hope or to despair and resign ourselves to our present circumstances."

As I heard his words, I realized how I've always been an optimistic, hopeful, glass-half-full type of person - that is, until about two months ago...when I gave into resignation and despair...truly beginning to believe that the life I presently live (where everything's circumstantially the same as it has been for the past six years) would be the life I live until the end of my days...never getting to actually realize the dreams in my heart. And, in that moment, everything changed for me. I made the decision to hope. I chose to not give up.

And, while nothing has circumstantially changed in the 10 or so days since I heard that talk and made that decision, I feel like a completely different person. Actually, I feel like myself again. But a better version of myself. The cloud of disappointment, despair and resignation has lifted and what has emerged is a joyful, confident, silly, peaceful, at-rest, hopeful person. The power of my seemingly simple choice to hope has been profound. And, once again, I'm overwhelmed with the kind, patient, faithful love of my Father and overwhelmed with His goodness and dreams for my life that are more vast than my own....

I do think there's a deeply profound truth to that song lyric...how we choose to live and what we choose to believe and set our hope on in the dark, difficult and disappointing times will affect the rest of our lives. I'm sure to have many more dark moments in the course of my life, as I'm sure you are too, but my prayer is that we'll both have the strength, courage and tenacity to continue to set our hope beyond the circumstantial and onto the eternal One.

Grateful.

Blessed Assurance

It'd be nice to say that by the time I share something in this forum, I've already not only processed through that truth or concept but also applied it to my life in such a way that I am forever altered.

It'd be nice.

If it were true.

And, specifically with the concept shared most recently, it's as if once I shared it, I no longer had any idea what in the world I had shared. It's as if the idea of living in that tension between patience and desire, between reality and hope, between gratitude and impatient anticipation, disappeared completely and instead, I became a bitter, disappointed, listless, angry, hopeless person.

It's as if.

Too bad it's not "as if"....

It is.

It's funny terribly unfortunate devastating how easy it is to lose sight of truth and thus become the worst version of yourself...someone who has forgotten all of the grace and freedom and promise and space afforded to you and instead, so quickly and easily digresses back to the person you were years ago, to the person who lived in fear and doubt and insecurity and hopelessness and a willingness to settle.

Yet.

Yet, there's then the grace and kindness of a Father who so patiently waits while you throw your tantrums (even when a 33-yr old's tantrum literally matches a 3-yr old's or 13-yr old's), who quietly listens to your accusations and frustrations hurled right at Him, and who gently gives you the opportunities to wrestle and question...and relent, finally seeing the truth...but a truth made so much more true by the wrestling than it ever could have been from merely the thinking and processing.

That's the Father I am privileged and humbled to call my own.

For the past six weeks, I've (kind of) pretended I was doing fine...only to have allowed the seeds of bitterness and entitlement to root and grow in my heart...and every time there was a seeming setback to my dreams (and there were surprisingly more than one in such a short amount of time), instead of seeing it as an opportunity to learn and grow and grasp more of who the Lord is and what He's ultimately up to in and through my life, I'd chosen to see it as further proof that I still wasn't good enough...or worse yet, He was holding out on me just to be vindictive.

How arrogant. How misguided. How stupid. How utterly and completely false.

Yet truly, He took all of my arrogance and anger and entitlement and bitterness in stride, patiently waiting until I'd stop for five seconds and realize just how good He is being to me; how truly not getting the thing(s) I think I want right now is evidence of His vast love; how willingly I settle (as CS Lewis says) for playing in the mud when a trip to the ocean is offered to me; how a setback is only that - a setback, not a failure and not a "no" - but rather an opportunity to learn and continue on in the same manner; and how above all else, He is the Prize, the End and the Point of my pursuit.

I wish I could pinpoint what triggered the digression. But, I can't. More importantly, I wish I could pinpoint what triggered the turnaround. But, I can't do that either. Except to say that it was somewhere in the wrestling and whining and arguing...because, as is true every time I wrestle with God, I'm once again changed and altered...and see God just a bit more clearly, like Jacob did.

May I ever attain to be in this place:
"Perfect submission, all is at rest;
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love." 

Living in the Tension

For whatever reason, I've found myself saying the following quite often these past few weeks: "Everything's the same but nothing's the same." Meaning - at the basest level, for the past six-ish years I've had the same job, lived in the same house, gone to the same church, driven the same car, and had the same relationship status but yet have experienced such a depth of healing and freedom that I am no where near the same person I was six years ago.

Everything's the same but nothing's the same.

Also, I've been in situations that have caused me - sometimes viscerally - to remember what I was like and what life was like "back then," to marvel at the depth of brokenness I lived with and the profound and undeserved grace that has been mine since, to look at where I came from and be arrested by the vast beauty that is my life now. And yet these same situations (and others) have caused me to struggle. To watch so many friends and acquaintances "move on with their lives" - get married, have children, advance in ministry, move, progress professionally, step into dreams long held, etc. etc. etc. while I still haven't experienced most of those things.

Everything's the same but nothing's the same.

It's interesting because I know the right answers. At the end of the day, what I know to be true...what I rest in (in the good moments) and cling to (in the hard moments)...are the realities that:

• God is good.
• He loves me.
• He has the perfect plan for me.
• He knows my heart, my dreams and my desires even more clearly than I do.
• The healing and freedom I have experienced are far more valuable than any circumstantial change ever could be.
• Others may have the circumstantial things I long for but not yet the healing and freedom I do.
• He is the perfect Orchestrator of my life, and, ultimately, I want things to turn out the way He has planned, rather than my meager and sub par expectations.

Yet, the walking out of these two realities that nothing and everything are the same...when the dreams and desires I hold are only growing more acute with each day and close friends who've also had their own dreams tarry are finally experiencing fulfillment...gets tricky. So tricky. I find myself stuck squarely in the tension of overwhelming gratitude and an impatient anticipation and eagerness.

There are moments of despair. There are moments of futilely trying to take matters into my own hands. There are moments of deep joy. There are moments of profound disappointment. There are moments of overpowering grace. There are moments of tear-inducing, life-altering gratitude.

But, really - thankfully, gratefully and definitely frustratingly - there's nothing else I can do but wait, hope and trust.

And so I live in the tension.

Pushing Through

When I last wrote, I was basking in the wonder, freedom, joy and redemption of relinquishing control, showing my weaknesses and still feeling safe.

In the weeks since that post, I've been anything but basking in freedom and joy. Instead, I've been an emotional mess...albeit almost entirely internally and not letting many people know just how bad/hard it's been. (Man, that description I gave about being a "7" on the Enneagram was more accurate than I care to admit. NAILED.)

Why an emotional mess? Well, basically because I had tasted what it was like to feel so free and secure with the people around me...and now I am afraid of losing it. So, I teeter between old coping mechanisms (of shutting down, pulling back, holding back, being distant, caring for others and pretending everything's fine - essentially of controlling the situations and relationships around me so I can't be hurt) and trying to push through the fear, be honest and risk by staying open emotionally and showing my need/weaknesses.

Add to that having two very dear friends move away in the past few months. Two people who dared to push through all of my walls and supposed "strength" long (we're talking years) before I even realized how closed off I was. And, while I'm still good friends with both of them (I think I've spoken to one of them nearly every single day since she moved), it's still different not having them here in the "every day" of my life.

And, finally, let's not forget to include a very challenging work environment where something I've been working toward for nearly two years seems further away than ever before. The people I thought were advocates for helping me transition into a new position have failed me. I feel like they've been dangling a carrot in front of me for 18 months, and every time I get close to grasping it, the rules change. I feel unseen, unappreciated, unvalued and taken advantage of...honestly, just plain disappointed and devastated. I dared to risk trusting them to help me achieve this dream and it feels like they haven't made me a priority. And, instead, that they've actually helped advance other people in the company while leaving me behind. While I know the truth that people do care about me and that I can trust others...this work situation has only tried to drive home the opposite....

I find my heart and mind at war with the competing thoughts of "See, no one ever comes through for you...it's not safe to trust or depend on anyone else. Everyone will disappoint or abandon you. If you want to make something happen, you've got to do it yourself. It's not worth the risk to do otherwise." and "This is just a work situation. This isn't indicative of your value, your worth or reality. People don't always fail you; they are trust-worthy. Keep risking. Keep daring to hope. Stay open and soft. You can trust your friends...even if this work situation is disappointing and frustrating."

The other day, I was explaining all this to one of the friends who moved, and he said two things: "It's really awesome that you're that self aware...that you know what's going on and why you're acting/feeling/reacting how you are." and "Wow, sometimes ignorance is bliss, isn't it? I mean, this is good stuff you're working through...but life sure is easier and less emotional when you're not aware."

Isn't that the truth? It's both great and really hard all at once. I've worked hard for years to be this self aware...and yet, I still have so far to go...and the journey is scary and painful at many points. But, I'm trying and choosing to push past the fear and disappointment to stay open, to risk, to trust, to be free, to not always be in control, and to allow others in. I have to believe that even if it's painful and risky, it's so much more worth it, so much more life-giving, so much freer to live that way.

I tasted that freedom and joy a few weeks ago...and believe that what I tasted was more than momentary...that it is the enduring and delectable feast that awaits me....

Safe to be Weak

Anyone who knows me well knows that among other things, I seem to come across as a) competant to a fault, b) always in control and c) unwilling to show my weaknesses. These are not necessarily traits I'm proud of or aspire to...but they're more often true of me than I'd like to admit.

But these same friends also know that as the Lord continues to bring me more and more healing from my past, I am increasingly less desirous of holding everything together and increasingly more desirous of the freedom and relief that comes from being known, showing my weaknesses and just "letting go." The reality is, I hate carrying everything on my own and having to hold everything together. It's exhausting, depressing and lonely.

The journey to freedom and healing has brought much self-discovery and understanding as to why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. Most recently, I've become somewhat obsessed with the personality test, the Enneagram for the revolutionary (for me) insights I'm receiving from it. (A few slight divergences - while the Enneagram is typically considered a "new-age" type of tool, there is lots of truth to its ability to assess a person. And, for what it's worth, its origins can actually be traced back to the church. If I had more time, I'd explain more about it and why I think it's a powerful tool for Christians. But suffice it to say, one of the most powerful aspects is that it unveils a person's "core driver," or in Christian terms, "core sin." Kind of intense, yes...but actually really powerful if one's willing to be humble and honest about his/her shortcomings.  And, on another though related note, I happen to love personality tests, as I feel that while they're not 100% accurate for anyone, they do offer good insights into behaviors and drivers in our personalities. Plus, while one on its own is insightful, combining the results of many different ones (DISC, Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, etc.) give great insights into a person.)

When I took the Enneagram, I came out as a Type 7 - the Enthusiast. I could write a whole post about why I find this description of myself so fascinating (and mostly accurate), but the bottom line is that Enthusiasts seek pleasure or any distraction from having to deal with pain...in short, they avoid pain at all costs. They're the type who can say something like "yes, my life's been incredibly hard but doesn't everyone have hard lives? And really, it's fine as I've learned and gleaned so much from my hardships" all in one breath without allowing themselves to acknowledge that their hardship ever actually hurt. They keep their lives incredibly busy - with things, people, work, activities, etc. - and when they do experience pain, they tend to rationalize it away. Plus, they tend to be people who had traumatic childhoods and/or a lack of nurture and had to learn to fend for themselves in many ways. They are the quintessential "jack of all trades; master of none."

Guilty. As. Charged.

But, upon deeper examination, it's not merely a desire to avoid pain for pain's sake as much as it's a belief that since there's no one safe or dependable enough to reveal their weaknesses to (a core belief with its foundations in their childhoods), why dwell on that pain? It's believing at their core that they'll always be alone and have to gut things out alone. It's deciding that dwelling on the loss and pain or being sad about it will neither accomplish nor change anything, so why not just do what you have to do yourself and choose to be happy about it?

The Lord's been unpacking so much of this to me recently. Revealing so much of my core motivations behind why and how I do things. But, also showing me just how very far I've come over the years while also bringing more freedom to me every day. At times, it's been frustrating to realize that I still have so far to go, that I still feel like an orphan in many ways, that I'm often still afraid that others won't come through for me and/or that I'm not worth their coming through for. But, it's also been really freeing and redemptive - as He's provided friends who and situations that are showing me the opposite. Moments - even just this past Memorial Day weekend - where when I actually chose to not be in control or to not hide my fear, weakness or struggle, I was seen, taken care of and protected. And, awesome moments of letting my hair down and having some seriously silly and wonderful fun - running through fountains, barrelling down hills, singing ridiculous songs, dancing in cars and laughing til my sides hurt. These moments were life altering, precious, redemptive...moments that cause my eyes to brim over with tears whenever I think about them.

My goal now is to stay in this place...to learn how to live in the tension between being the called, competant, capable person God's created me to be while also being free to be weak, not in control, incompetant, needy, ridiculous and silly....to trust that others want to and will come through for me. To give them the space to actually do so.

There's something about the kindness of the Lord that's so arresting, isn't there? Yes, often, the journey we're asked to walk is hard, long and with more detours than we'd ever have expected - but yet, it's also more beautiful, redemptive, freeing and life giving than we could have ever hoped for.

Living it Out

Someone recently asked me about my spiritual journey...below is my response as well as his response to what I shared. I think his response is among one of the best compliments I've ever received in that it's just so meaningful to realize that the things about who you are are in fact making a difference in someone else's life...that the ways you aspire to live are, in fact, reality and actually being lived out (even if only briefly or momentarily).

May I always be so open and honest about the work my Father has done in my life.

Me: "My journey has definitely been an interesting one. It would take volumes to truly articulate it all. But, the long and short of it is that my parents both also have a Catholic background (Catholic school and the whole bit) and I was baptized in the Catholic church, etc – even went to Catholic school myself for 2nd grade). But, for both of them, it was definitely a cultural/family/obligatory thing that they just did. No real connection with God or desire to actually try to connect with Him.

Then, my father had a few specific experiences where he knew God was trying to get his attention (kinda weird sounding but definitely true), and they changed my father forever. He started going to a Charismatic Catholic church and then moved to a more evangelical/non-denominational church. As his life changed, he obviously shared his relationship with God with his family. And, that’s how I started understanding who God was. I went to Sunday school and heard all the bible stories, etc.

A few years later, my mom got really sick and my parents started having some major problems. Things got really really tricky at home and the only way I could cope was to cling to God. All the things I’d heard in Sunday school about who Jesus was started to actually make sense to me and feel true. I started having experiences with and understanding of God myself. So, fast-forward a lot of years and that’s still where I’m at – though obviously I’m beyond simple Sunday school stories.

I’ve had a lot of hardship in my life and a lot of things that should have wrecked me and/or turned me into a broken, strung-out, bitter woman. But, instead, every step of the way, Jesus has intervened and protected me or worked out that hard/bad situation to show me more of who He is, of His love, His protection, His care, His goodness and His kindness. It’s so much more than a religion or ascribing to a set of rules or a way of living…as cheesy as it may sound, it really is a living, active relationship with a God who makes Himself known to me, works in my life and uses me to share and extend His love to others. I can’t imagine who I’d be or what my life would look like without Him."


My Friend: "[Your response] was interesting, insightful and thorough.... I feel like I got a rare glimpse at parts of your background .... It's not often that I get those glimpses when communicating with most people... whether it be writing talking chatting, etc...I'm a bit guarded myself. So thanks for the refreshing change...."




So simple and yet so powerful.

I'm so grateful for the reminder and the encouragement. Just what I needed today....

Not Yet...and Yet, Now - Explained, Part 2

And, finally (catch up here) - 

3. The heart of a mother? This year, we had our Easter church service on Sunday evening...so after the potluck, we all headed over to church together. One of the guys in my small group sat next to me and at the end of the service, I really felt impressed by the Lord to pray for him. He's a newer guy to our group and someone I've not had the chance to get to know very well yet - my co-leader had been the one to really pastor him up until this point. My interactions with him had been more humorous and silly - nothing really deep or personal. But, I did know that he was a really good guy who was in the midst of really difficult situation and newly trying to be more serious in his relationship with Jesus. I asked him if I could pray for him - and, while a bit taken off guard, he was grateful and said I could. So I did...and I felt this overwhelming compassion and empathy for him rise up in me....I just wanted to be able to "fix" everything that was going wrong for him...to make this whole, horrific season of his life better. The only way I could explain it was that I felt how I imagine a mother feels when her child is going through something difficult. As strange as it sounds, while not at all pitying or belitting him, I really just wanted to take him in my arms, hold him tight and tell him everything was going to be okay. Or be able to have him come over to my house, give him some dinner and let my husband counsel or talk with him. Weird - esp since I barely knew the guy - and impossible, since I'm not married. So, I obviously restrained myself to just praying for him. :)


And then it all became clear. That night and even the next morning, I was still really affected by praying for him (and, in fact, by everything else that'd happened that weekend). The next morning, I remember expressly journaling/praying something like "Lord, I'm so thankful for all that happened this weekend - for all the opportunities You gave me and for all the great people You've placed in my life. But, now I feel teased and let down. I feel like I got to taste a bit of the very things my heart longs to do and now I have to go back to life as normal...with a gaping hole of desire and longing to help others, host others and love on them. But, alas, I still must wait.... please bring my husband to me so I can fully press into all these things I'm longing to do... please....I don't want to have to wait any longer...my heart feels like it's going to burst from longing to move in these ways..."

I shared my experiences and thoughts from the weekend with a co-worker and dear friend later that day. Her response was "You're already having a greater impact on people's lives than you think."

While I appreciated her kind words, I definitely blew them off as simply kind words from a dear friend. But, then, I got an email from the person I had prayed for on Sunday night. His email was simple but to the point: "Thank you so much for praying for me at church yesterday...it may have felt like a small thing, but believe me, it was not!"

I tried to blow off his words as well...but that's when the Lord stepped in and wouldn't let me overlook the obvious: that I really am free to do all the things on my heart now - that I don't have to wait until I'm married and have a family of my own before I can walk in these dreams. I know it all sounds so simplistic...but it's freed and revolutionized my life and heart.

If I'm honest, I think I've always felt that I was sort of cheating...that by trying to do  - before I'm married - some of the things my heart longs to do, I was proving how impatient and undisciplined I was. That I was in sin or that God was disappointed in me because I couldn't wait and/or be content in the season I was in. I don't know where all of that came from but gosh, how stupid.

In that moment, all the lies were lifted and I saw clearly - these are the things I've been created to do...both now as a single person and later if/when I'm married. And, since those lies have lifted, I've felt more peace and rest than I can articulate. No longer impatient to be married. No longer a feeling of being left out, not good enough or "still not ready" - instead, there's a joy, a peace, a settledness in fully embracing and enjoying exactly what's in front of me. I think that perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm really at rest...content with the present, while hopeful and not impatient for the future.

So so very grateful for the ways my Lord continues to free and realign my heart.

Not Yet....and Yet, Now - Explained, Part 1

Here are some specific examples to go along with my last post - sorry it's taken nearly a month to share them (April was CRAZY busy!) Here they are:

1. My "little" sister A (via BBBS - BigBrothers BigSisters). If I'm honest, I only signed up with BBBS four years ago because I wanted to be doing something with underpriviledged kids while I was single. I was determined to not adopt or have foster kids until I was married, and in my mind, BBBS was a good alternative. Don't get me wrong - I've totally enjoyed my time with A thru the years. But, even in the past few months have found myself wondering if we should continue our relationship since she's a pre-teen and it feels like we have next to nothing in common anymore.

Recently, however, I've begun to identify as least a piece of the purpose of our relationship and, truly, how vital my place in her life is. It started when her mom called me crying a few weeks ago - telling me that A had been suspended from school. She begged me to try to talk to A since neither she nor A's teachers had been able to make much progress. I was honestly a bit overwhelmed with the heaviness of the situation - not being sure what difference I would be able to make. Yet, the Lord opened the door for a really great, meaningful conversation between A and me. She asked if I was going to lecture her like everyone else had, and when I said "No, I'm just curious to know what happened and why," she was shocked and let her defenses down. As a result, we had a very candid conversation about how her choices now as a seventh grader - though seemingly minor - could very well lead her down the very path she doesn't want to go (ie - be labled as a "trouble-maker" and/or prohibit her opportunities to go to college). She was SO responsive. Truly a miracle.

A couple weeks later when we were again together (the day before Easter), she was excited to share all the positive changes she'd been making and how much better things were going in school. She even talked about how she was hoping to go to Harvard to be a pediatrician. (?!) We "happened" to stop in my office for a moment and one of my bosses was there, working on a Saturday. One thing led to another and "randomly" he mentioned that he'd gone to Harvard. When he found out A wanted to go there, he gave her all these tips and pointers on what she can do now (in addition to get stellar grades) to make it happen. She was clearly deeply affected. And, we've already begun to discuss how we can implement some of his suggestions.

That afternoon, it all just felt like a random coincidence.

2. An Easter potluck. On Easter Sunday this year, my small group hosted an Easter potluck. We invited what felt like everyone we knew - whether a part of our church or not. And, we ended up with roughly 35 people in attendance. My house isn't big enough to host anywhere near that many people so some of the girls in our small group hosted in their house. Everything was lovely - in fact, I can't imaging the day having gone better.

But, while cooking the ham and a few other dishes for the potluck earlier that day at home, I had made a sort of snide comment to my roommate about how I was dreaming of the day when I didn't have time the cooking of my dishes to include transport time to another location...how I'd love to have a home large enough that people could come to my house for a big party or event.  I didn't dwell on that disappointment for very long and really did enjoy myself at the girls' house that day...but there were definite moments where the pang of not being able to host in my own space hit me.

Not Yet....And Yet Now

I don't quite know when it happened...I don't know when I specifically realized and defined my life's dreams and aspirations to include being a foster parent; an adoptive parent; and someone who has the time, practical resources and emotions to help others get on their feet - specifically by allowing them to live with my family, learn life/coping skills, grow closer to Jesus and move into their callings and dreams. But, it happened.

It's been a number of years in the making, I'm sure. Perhaps it included having been a foster kid myself - three times - and having been blessed to have three great foster families (when that's totally not the norm). And, I know it included participation in the World Vision 24-Hour Famine when I was like 14 or 15 and I committed to adopting children one day. And, when watching The Pursuit of Happyness, sobbing outright in the theater, exclaiming, "I would give them a place to live! I would give them the break they need to get on their feet!" without even realizing that, though it was based on a true story, I was watching a movie.

Or there's the time when, after watching another movie, Amazing Grace (the story of British anti-slavery pioneer, William Wilberforce), I was so shaken to the core by his compassion and sheer determination to go against the grain of society and work for change that I knew my reaction was based on more than just a well-written story that grabbed my heart strings. I knew God was stirring something in me for my future.

Or exclaiming, while watching (yes, yet another movie) The Blind Side, "I knew it was possible!" (I was thrilled to be witnessing an example of how a foster family could make such an enormous impact on one life.)

And, while there are tons more examples that keep popping into my head as I write this, I'm sure you get the point: this is something that's been stirring in me for a while. It's something that's been building and building in my heart. The intensity of my desire to be doing this stuff right now gets more mind consuming and acute with every breath.

In the past few months, I simply cannot recount how many prayers I've prayed that somehow relate to these dreams - longing to be able to step into it all right now, to be adopting kids now and to have a home larger than my current 695-square-foot one now so that I could have a place for someone in need. Even my deep longings to be married now seem to stem more from the desire to have a partner in these dreams than anything else.

And, yet, I wait. Feeling this acute desire and yet, feeling like I am still in a holding pattern, unable to move forward...honestly sometimes thinking that God must think I'm still "not quite ready" to be allowed to move into these things that He's stirring in me.

But, I got a great dose of reality this weekend (read more here and here). While my dreams aren't completely fulfilled now, it's actually not true that I'm stuck in a holding pattern doing nothing. I'm getting the chance to care for, love and serve lots of people around me right now. God's answering my prayers - just in different ways than I was expecting (and than I know He will ultimately bring about in my life). Some of my dreams are being fulfilled now, even while I wait for those not yet a reality.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude - for both the actual experience as well as the eye-opening perspective this weekend to see it.

Thank You, Jesus, for fulfilling your purposes in me. For knowing my heart and my dreams and allowing me to see them realized.

The Accident that was a Blessing

So, that was a really long series! Thanks for reading along!

To recap:

• Hiatus Explained
• The Unimaginable
• Court Appearance (#1)
• A Curve Ball
• A Warning Meant to Be a Blessing (?)
• Court Appearance (#2)
• As If I Didn't Have Enough Pulling at Me
• Safe Places No Longer Safe
• Court Appearance (#3)
• The Hunt for a Lawyer Begins
• Moment by Moment, Step by Step
• The Provision of a Lawyer
• Just When I Thought it Couldn't Get Any Worse....
• Three Days to Absolute Transformation
• Resolution

Resolution

The transformation that happened in my heart and mind was no small thing. In fact, when I finally heard back from my attorney, it felt somewhat anti-climactic (although, obviously, I was still interested and concerned about how everything would turn out).

Here's what he said: "While it's terrible that this woman has passed away, I think your insurance agent is right. I think that this clears everything up for us. We all know that she had previous and outside medical issues. I'll get in touch with the DA and see how she wants to proceed."

Well, the DA decided that she still wanted to meet in court. When we got there, however, she gave the judge an update about the pedestrian and said something like, "Your honor, while we have no reason to believe that the pedestrian's death has anything to do with the accident, we are asking for another continuance to give us time to do our due process" (emphasis mine).

While that was annoying (as was the waste of an hour of my and my attorney's time (which cost me a pretty penny...) ), it wasn't that big a deal. Our next (and final !!!!) court appearance was scheduled for the end of May - the Monday before Memorial Day, 2011.

The preceding Friday, my attorney called to tell me that he'd spoken to the DA and she had an offer for us. She wasn't willing to drop the charges (for careless driving) because there was witness testimony that I had pulled away from the intersection after the pedestrian had stepped off of the curb. BUT, she also didn't have any evidence that the accident had had anything to do with the woman's death. So...her offer was that if I pled guilty to the intial charge of careless driving, she'd let the case drop and not proceed any further with any investigation.

(Apparently -- and I think I definitely neglected to explain this in any of my prior posts -- the hold up every time we were in court previously had been because, while the DA did have evidence for that initial charge of careless driving, she wanted to see if the charge should be changed (increased to something more serious) like careless driving with bodliy injury (why she wanted to and kept trying with no success to actually speak with the pedestrian) or careless driving resulting in death (why she asked for that further continuance at the last appearance).)

Also - she was willing to make the offer because a) everything had gone on for long enough, b) she didn't have any further evidence and knew she wouldn't get it and c) the deadline for my "speedy trial" guarantee was about three days after Monday's court appearance...so resolution HAD to happen by then.

My attorney suggested that I accept her offer (the alternative would be to go to trial....very long, arduous and EXPENSIVE). So, on that day in May - over seven months after the initial accident - I pled guilty to careless driving.

My punishment? Four points on my license and 24 hours of community service (which I ended up serving at the local public library).

My reward? A deeper, freer, truer relationship with my kind and gracious heavenly Father and more peace and confidence in my own heart and life.

Would I want to do it again? No.

Was it worth it? Absolutely.

Three Days to Absolute Transformation

I had to wait three days before hearing from my attorney in regard to his opinion on how the pedestrian's death would affect my traffic case...and, more realistically, affect ME. Like I said, waiting felt like an eternity. But, that period of waiting ended up serving as proof of the most crazy, freeing transformation thus far in my life.

I was somehow remarkably calm during the wait. I was concerned. I was worried. I didn't have any idea what my attorney would say or how he'd react. I didn't know what the DA would do in response to this news. I didn't know if I'd somehow end up in jail for her death....

But, somehow - very abnormally for me up until that point in my life - I wasn't an emotional basketcase. I think I'd just gotten to a point with the entire situation where nothing surprised me anymore...nothing had gone as I'd expected it to so far and so I didn't feel like I had the ability to even guess what anything would look like in the future. I wasn't numb. I just didn't know how to feel or react. While aware of the potential massive and terrible implications for me, I was choosing to suspend judgment until I heard/had concrete facts in one direction or the other.

True to my friend's words so many months before, during that entire season everything felt like it had been stripped away from me - my sense of safety at work and behind the wheel of my car, my reputation, my ideas of fulfilled dreams and long-desired relationships, hope, security, expectations, pride, even my plans for my tax return (sounds silly now but I was MAD when I had to use that money to pay a lawyer)....

But, also true to my friend's words, through the entire nightmare that the process had been until that point, while I had been stripped of everything that meant anything to me, I actually gained so much more than I'd ever expected for my life period. I finally understood the great, unconditional, unending, unfailing love and tenderness of the Father. I know I mentioned the moment-by-moment ways that my gracious Father spoke, directed and provided for me, but they weren't just mere moments that He happened to intervene. They illustrated and drove home something so deeply into my heart that it's difficult even to put into words for you.

Those moments proved to me just how involved He is in my life, just how much He cares, just how much He sees every single element of my life all of the time, no matter what - whether He's silent or whether He acts. During the entire process of the accident and everything surrounding it, I was stripped of everything....and was no longer able to rely on anything of my own...my strength, my intellect, my experience, my reputation, my wisdom, my personality, my abiliites. BUT, I was finally able to see Him more clearly than I'd ever seen Him before. Turns out He's so much more real and tangible than everything else in life. Everything else in life truly is merely secondary, merely a vapor, so much LESS important and real than He is.

Before you decide that I'm insane, please hear me out. I wish I had adequate words to describe what I'm saying, what I experienced and how it's revolutionized my life...but the best I can do is compare it to the story of Stephen in the Bible. (And, no, I don't think of myself as a martyr....just keep reading....)

There's a moment in Stephen's narrative where Luke (the writer) says, "All who were sitting in the Sanhedrin looked intently at Stephen, and they saw that his face was like the face of an angel" (Acts 6:15 - emphasis mine), and later - just as Stephen was about to be stoned to death - "When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God” (Acts 7:54-56 - again, emphasis mine).

My entire life - whenever I'd read those words - I always wondered how Stephen could be so serene in the midst of chaos and how he could seem completely unaffected by the raging crowd - even ignoring it and his impending death, instead seeing God in front of him.

But, through my entire experience with the accident and its aftermath, Stephen's actions finally started to make sense. God was more real than everything else. God was more enduring that my momentary circumstances. God was more important than my reputation, my sense of security and safety, my dreams, my hopes, my money....my everything. And, yet, in finally truly grasping just how much more real and more important He was, I also realized (paradoxically) how truly important I was to Him, how deeply loved I was, how fully seen I was, and how He really did hold me in His hands.

SO....in those three days I was waiting to hear back from my attorney, all of the truths I just explained to you became mind-blowingly apparent to me. And, in so doing, I arrived at a moment of truth and decision in my heart. Not knowing it was just a few hours before my attorney would finally call me back, I remember coming face to face with everything and saying to the Lord, "I trust You. I surrender to You. I trust You with my reputation, with my future, with my everything. If I am charged with this woman's death somehow and have to go to jail, I will be terrified...and yet....and yet, I choose to believe that You have a purpose and reason even for that. That You will make good out of an awful situation. I trust You with my house, my mortgage, my small group, my family, my future and my life. Going to prison and/or losing everything in my life would be horrendous...but I trust You."

And, I don't know how to explain it - it took me a LONG time to get to the place I just described (not just the three days of waiting for my lawyer's call, not just the six months since the accident...but nearly 30 years of my life) - but, with that prayer, everything was over. In the best and most real of ways. It no longer mattered what my attorney said. It no longer mattered if I'd be charged with her death. It no longer mattered how everything would turn out. All that mattered was the sure-fire certainty I had - more real than anything I'd ever experienced, known or believed - that with God on my side, nothing I came up against in this life could compare to knowing Him.

Just When I Thought it Couldn't Get Any Worse....

(How's that for an ominous title...? Read on....)

Since I had finally selected and settled on an attorney only a few days before my next scheduled court appearance, my attorney requested a continuance. (I kind of liked that this time we were the ones asking for one and inconveniencing the assistant district attorney this time! Terrible but true!) :) Anyway, we were granted a continuance so the next appearance was scheduled for mid-April.

Things were going along as best they could (while still dealing with all of this and this) when one day at work, I received a phone call from my car insurance agent. Here's how the conversation went:

Agent (imagine a very matter-of-fact tone, with all of this being said with no pauses between key words or sentences): "Miss, we received a letter today from the pedestrian's attorney that she has died. We know that she had prior medical issues so I think this is only good news for us. I'm sure we'll have to pay some medical bills from her ER visit the day of the accident...but otherwise, I think we're free and clear."

Me: Silence as I tried to gather my thoughts. Then, "I'm sorry. WHAT? Did you say she DIED? How is this good news for us? How do you know that she died from her prior medical issues and not from anything to do with the accident? Are you SURE of everything you just told me? Did you really say she DIED?"

Agent: "Like I said, Miss, I received a letter from her attorney. And, while it doesn't list the cause of death in the letter, I can gather from the way the letter was written as well as the voicemail he left me that they will not be pursuing this further and they know the cause of death is not from the accident. I just wanted to let you know as soon as I found out."

Me (stated more calmly than I felt inside): "You 'can gather'? While I appreciate that you want to keep me informed of everything, it feels a little premature to be certain that we're now...that I'm now....'free and clear.' Would it be possible for me to see a copy of the letter you received so I can pass it onto my attorney for the traffic case I'm still involved in?"

Agent: "Miss, you're right - I probably should have waited until we had conclusive evidence or a conclusive statement as to her cause of death. But, again, I wanted to keep you posted on everything, and I've been involved in enough of these cases that I'm pretty sure that my assessment is correct. I will absolutely send you a copy of the letter I received."

End of conversation. He sent me the letter - which was so sparse in its contents that I'm not sure how anything could have been concluded from it. All it said was something to the effect that the pedestrian had passed away. That's it. So, I sent it onto my lawyer. And waited for his response.

And waited.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity....when in reality, it was only about three days.

The Provision of a Lawyer

My pastor did get back to me pretty quickly with some helpful information. And, just a few days later, I was able to actually speak to someone on the phone. This man was so different than the first lawyer I spoke to. After I shared my entire story, his first words were, "I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I will be praying for you."

Then, he went on to give me insight into the entire process from a legal standpoint. Given that he was a seasoned lawyer (and not just a few years post-law school like the first lawyer), I felt like he was offering legitimate insight and advice. Then, he personally endorsed two lawyers and gave me their contact information. In talking with him, I felt like a literal weight had been lifted off from me. While it was still a serious situation, it was seemingly FAR LESS serious than that first lawyer had led me to believe.

The next week I met with each of the lawyers recommended to me. They each had their pros and cons....and I didn't know how to decide which one to choose to represent me. Again, I brought the decision to the Lord. And, His simple answer this time was, "With whom do you feel more comfortable?"

Now, the idea of my decision having been based on something so subjective as to whom I felt more comfortable with sounds ludicrous. But, at that point in the story, I was really feeling so clueless, so timid, so fearful, so unsafe and so resourceless that I needed to be with someone with whom I felt safe. It was obvious that both men were capable of the job, were seasoned and knew what they were doing. They both actually knew the judge on the case and even gave me some insight into him...so, that was helpful too. So, it really did come down to the person with whom I felt more comfortable.

So, I chose a man named Dan. He was a very direct, wise, honest, grandfatherly man of few words. And, I knew I'd be taken care of by him.

The next hurdle was how to pay for his services. While he thought he could get the case settled without having to go to trial, he had said that for all new cases he required a $1,500 retainer. So, my next question to the Lord was, "Where do I get this $1,500?" I was expecting a bit more than that from my tax return but I knew I wouldn't receive my return for at least another few weeks. I needed to get my money to him immediately as the next court appearance was, at this point, just over a week away.

Again, the Lord answered simply and directly: "Get a pay advance from work."

Until this point, I'd been very quiet at work about this entire case. Only my boss and the people most directly affected by my frequent absence from work knew anything. But, now, I had to tell HR (who would then need to get approval from a few other people) before I could get the pay advance. I wasn't looking forward to it...and to the many questions I'd get (as at any workplace, some of my coworkers are quite gossipy and "busy-bodyish" - I wasn't looking forward to having to deal with them). But, in the end, the advance got approved and no one really said anything to me about it. It felt like more ways that Lord was protecting me.

And, it all worked out: my pay advance was approved, I was able to give my attorney his retainer, and my tax return was deposited into my account before my next pay check.

Another hurdle overcome.

Moment by Moment, Step by Step

A few days after meeting with the first lawyer, I was helping to lead worship at my church. I hadn't mentioned much of what was going on to any of the people on the band - including our then guest worship leader (who now is on staff with us) - and although my pastor knew (via email updates I'd give him and others), I hadn't really given him a recent update. So, he didn't know anything about my need for a lawyer. As the band and I were packing everything up after the service, my pastor came up to me and said, "Hey, are you okay? I've felt a really intense burden to pray for you all week."

All my anxiety, fear and emotions were just under the surface so even that simple question set me over the edge. I looked at him as tears filled my eyes and told him all about my most recent court appearance and the meeting with first lawyer. I shared how I didn't know where to go to get a second opinion and, even if I got one, how I would afford to pay whichever lawyer I ended up with.

He reassured me and said that he'd help me figure something out - that he knew someone who knew someone who could recommend the right lawyer for me. That was so relieving. But, quite frankly, the simple truth that the Lord had impressed upon my pastor to pray for me when he didn't even know what was going on was encouragement enough for that moment. I felt like my fear and my pain were seen - that I wasn't alone in this awful situation.

The Lord's tender, moment-by-moment, very specific care and direction for me only continued from there. About a week later, I still hadn't heard from my pastor with info on how to get ahold of his contact. I actually wasn't stressed...just aware that my next court date was looming ever closer. So, I simply asked the Lord, "What should I do? I know my pastor's busy...do I need to remind him? But, I don't want to bug him. I'm not sure what to do...."

The reply came in four simple words: "Work on your taxes."

That may seem like a strange reply - especially since it wasn't anything about a lawyer or my pastor. But, it made so much sense to me. The reality was - I had no control over anything at that point. Bugging my pastor wouldn't change anything - I knew he was working on my behalf. The only real thing I could do was gather everything to send my taxes to my accountant. The sooner I submitted everything to him, the sooner I'd get my tax return - which would supply at least some cash to pay any future lawyer bills. So, that night, I started on my taxes (no minor effort when I have my personal income, renter income, a business and a home).

The very next morning - I kid you not - I received a text message from my pastor that said, "I haven't forgotten about you. Still working on the lawyer. Will be in touch soon." His words were absolutely reassuring...but even more so, it felt like the Lord was saying, "I told you, I've got this. Watch how I work. One step at a time."

The Hunt for a Lawyer Begins

Where does one even start to look for a lawyer? Online? The yellow pages? And, what type of lawyer? A criminal lawyer (gasp!)? An ambulance-chaser who may sometimes represent the other side? I had absolutely no idea.

I did search online a bit but also started asking some of the folks who knew about the accident and my situation. One friend went to high school with someone who was now an attorney so I set up an appt to meet with him, tell him my story, and ask him his recommendations for next steps.

To make a very long story short, he was awful. Basically he said that since Colorado is a pedestrian-friendly state, my case was definitely going to trial (!) no matter what -- that even had I been driving on an interstate and hit a random pedestrian who had no reason to be walking on the interstate, I'd be at fault. And, he said, the cost of having him represent me through the trial would normally be about $7,000 (!) but that since I was a friend of a friend, he'd give me a $2,000 discount and so I'd only have to pay him $5,000 (still !!!).

I left his office so defeated and depressed. There was no hope, no easy out. This was going to go on forever and it was going to cost me $5,000 that I didn't have nor had any idea of how to get. I was devastated and afraid. He wasn't compassionate at all...instead, his attitude was essentially, "Yes, you certainly need help and I have a law degree so you need me."

Little could I have known that from that scary, desperate place, I'd begin to see the tender, moment-by-moment provision and care of the Father.

Court Appearance #3

In mid-January, 2011, I went to my next court appearance. By this point, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't really have any hope that everything would be finalized...but I also didn't know what would happen ultimately. I hadn't given up, necessarily...I just had given up trying to have any idea about what was going to happen. Nothing had gone as expected 'til this point so, quite frankly, I had little hope that anything would go as I excected it again.

Well, as in the past, the State still hadn't been able to contact the pedestrian and were asking for yet another continuence. There was one stark difference though - the judge asked me if I thought it was time to get a lawyer.

What?!

I think it was in that moment that the severity and reality of what has happening sort of sunk in. This wasn't a mere traffic court incident. This was serious.

Knowing that I had a month until my next court appearance, my mind immediately obsessed about finding a lawyer and the fact that I truly had NO money to pay for one.

How was I going to do all this? What would happen to me? How would this all end?